DIETING: The Most Annoying Trend EVER

Dieting is a joke. Oh the money they have made off of us. "If you just do this for 8 days, you'll lose 40 lbs." "Lose weight quick, drink our tonic." "Take this pill and your fat will just melt away."

Stop it.

Dieting will never work long term. If you're on a diet, have fun gaining back that extra 20 lbs in a few months. You should probably keep those larger clothes otherwise you'll have to buy some more.

If diets really worked would there be so many of them available to you? The South Beach diet. The Weight Watchers program. Jenny Craig. Nutrisystem. Slim Fast. Diet for your blood type. Diet for your body type. Cabbage diet. Atkins Diet. No Sugar diet. The Hollywood diet. The Evil Cupcake Diet.

I bet there is one called The Evil Cupcake Diet. If not, maybe I should create it. That's a good idea. Just eat cupcakes the rest of your life. Have one for each meal. The weight will come right off.

Disclaimer: With The Evil Cupcake Diet, or TECD, you will lose a lot of weight in the form of water and muscle. Please don't exercise. It will make you sweaty and tired. Make sure to only eat one cupcake per meal. Cupcakes can be made out of anything you like. If you are in to that whole "veggie" thing, you can put vegetables in it too. You agree not to sue or slander TECD when all of the weight you lost, and more, is gained back. It's your fault you fell for our diet.

The 50s were good; people ate at home for the most part, portions were smaller, and there was this thing people used to do. It was called MOVING. We don't move anymore. That's why we have to pencil in time at the gym like hamsters that need a running wheel. Our muscles are sluggish and depressed. They've lost the will to move. People work out for what, maybe an hour? PHEW! That's crazy. Get on with your bad self.

The meal replacement diets are the best. If you're on one of those, you have absolutely no will power. Those shakes only have about 200 calories in them. Not much for a full meal, but if you wanted to just eat real food you could replace your meal replacement shake with a yogurt, a granola bar or some grilled chicken.

Oh, that's another good diet idea; The Meal Replacement for Meal Replacement Diet, TMRMRD. What you do is eat food instead of a prepared drink made of corn oil, milk substitute and flavoring. It's crazy, I know, but it just might work!

Disclaimer: While on TMRMRD, please refrain from consuming nasty prepared diet aids. They taste like poo, have too few calories for a meal and will leave you hungrier than before you had them because, again, they taste like poo. Not to mention, the sweetness will leave you craving more sugar. Additionally, you agree to not sue us when you have more energy from eating real food. Hey, it's America. It could happen.

Ditch the sweeteners. Yeah, sugar isn't all that great for you but I'm sure sweeteners are even worse. Sweetners actually increase your desire for sweets because they are a thousand times sweeter than sugar. Not to mention if you are consuming your sweeteners in caffeinated beverages, you're dehydrating yourself at the same time which can send false hunger pains. That means the sweetener made you crave sugar and drinking the caffeinated beverage instead of water is going to leave you craving more drink and possibly food. Bad combination. Ditch 'em.

I could really make some money with this diet thing. I mean, it's a multibillion dollar industry. People are desperate for a quick fix to their weight problem. They want to be able to consume 4,000 calories per day while moving for only a half an hour. That's good rationale right there. This is where liposuction would have to come in.

I have a secret to tell you. I won't even charge you for it. It's FREE! If you consume more calories than you're burning, you will gain weight. There it is Folks! The dieting industry doesn't want this to sink in. They want you to think you have to follow the 7 day recipe plan or believe that popping a pill will help fat melt off of your body. It won't. It never will.

Healthy weight loss is sustained from a long term commitment to living better. That means getting a lot of exercise into your day and not eating more than your body needs to maintain itself. That doesn't have to be depriving. You can eat anything you want. You just have to realize that portion sizes do matter. Even if you were on a fruit diet, you couldn't eat all the fruit you wanted. It just comes down to calories in vs. calories out.

So please stop dieting. The high-carb, low-fat diets that everyone was raving about in the 80s and 90s blimped this nation out faster than if we hadn't been dieting at all. They're no good. Stay away from dieting. They are not a long term solution. If you only want to be thin for a month or so, by all means, diet away. If you'd like to be healthy and fit for the rest of your years on this planet, throw all that dieting stuff out, including the preformed notions you have in your head about weight loss.

If you're obese or moderately overweight, you're looking at a good year or two to get down to where you want to be. Your only goal should be to get moving more and follow portion sizes. You can eat whatever you want, but one serving of steak is around 4 oz. That is about the size of a stacked standard deck of cards, not the 12 oz steak you order in a restaurant. Portion sizes are the next most important thing next to fitness.

Oh no! You're feeling hungry? Good. You're supposed to feel hungry. That's your sign that your body is shifting to burning fat. It's a good thing. You should throw a foodless party when you're hungry. HOORAY! I'm hungry! Too many diets tout that they can help you lose weight without feeling hungry. Rubbish.

Oh, that's another new diet I could create; The Feel Hungry Diet. My slogan could be, "If you feel hungry, it's working!"

You shouldn't starve yourself though. If you're consuming less than about 1500 calories per day, you're killing your metabolism which is self defeating. Make sure to eat breakfast, lunch and have a few healthy snacks throughout the day. Dinner doesn't have to be a huge production. Why eat a huge meal right before you go to bed? In other parts of the world they have their large meal in the afternoon and just a light snack before bedtime. That makes more sense to me. Why would you need all that "energy" right before passing out?

After about a week or two of eating regular portion sizes, the larger portion sizes restaurants often serve will be too big for you. If you're worried about wasting that $11.95 you just spent on that huge meal and attempt to devour the entire thing, try splitting a meal with someone next time or better yet, eat at home. You can always save leftovers.

Diets don't work. They're a joke; a bad one at that. You decide how big you want to be by your lifestyle. Don't like your size? Choose a different lifestyle. Period.