Difference Between Men and Women's New Year's Resolutions

1) I will lose weight. I will diet and go to the gym. I will use the step machine to make my butt smaller and firmer. I will do lots of crunches to make by stomach look like a washboard. I will use the arm machines to tighten up the skin under my arms that jiggles every time I wave. I will do lots of Jazzercise to tone up my entire body.

2) I will quit smoking. I have willpower and I will do it for my health. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to be around for my kids and my grandchildren. Plus it's expensive and makes my breath stink. I know I can do it.

3) I will eat healthier this year. I won't eat as many processed foods or fast foods or desserts. I will eat more fruits and vegetables. I'll spend time in the kitchen preparing heart-heathy meals. Less coffee, more fiber, more protein.

4) I'm going to be more romantic for my husband. I'm going to buy some new lingerie outfits with lace just as he likes. I'm going to wear high heels with my new outfits. I'll put special fruit-smelling lotions on so the mere scent of me will drive him crazy. I'm going to light candles in our bedroom. I'm going to give him the most sensual back rub of his life.

5) I'm going to stop spending so much money. When I walk by the handbag store, I'm going to close my eyes. When I walk by the clothes stores, I'm not going to stop in. When I see beautiful jewelry that is calling my name, I'm not going to buy it. I'm going to start making coffee at home rather than buy it at Starbucks.

Men's Top 5 New Year's Resolutions:

1) I will lose weight. I won't drink as much beer so hopefully my stomach will shrink.

2) I will quit smoking. No more cigarettes for me. Only cigars from now on.

3) I will eat healthier. No more french fries for me.

4) I'm going to be more romantic for my wife. I vow to remain awake at least 2 minutes after sex.

5) I'm going to save money by buying 1 less case of beer each week.