Differences in Communication Between Men and Women

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" touts the cover of an American bestseller. The instant success of this book (over 14 million copies sold) hints at a polarized population eager to bridge the gender gap. Yet some readers feel that it is writing such as these that exacerbate differences between men and women by a faulty assumption that the sexes are inherently different. If the socialization of children were normalized between the sexes, self-help books such as these would not be necessary, and people in need of relationship advice would actually be able to pinpoint their unique needs rather than following a generalized formula that scapegoats gender differences.

Men in the media are portrayed as stoic, strong, and independent. In recent years, the dichotomy between the sexes has been exaggerated. Entertainers such as the Rock and Terminator take this to the extreme, pumping their bodies full of muscle and destroying everything in sight to a screaming fan base. Women, on the other hand, have been shrinking to a waiflike status. Waist measurements of winners of the Miss America pageant went from just under 26 inches (1920) to around 24 inches (1980s). Commercials play on men's fantasies, portraying women as brimming with desire, cornering men and undressing themselves (Axe deodorant, Herbal Essence shampoo, Dentyne gum). Women in rap videos are scantily clad and if not dancing like a stripper, cling onto the men. The line between reality and fantasy blurs as emcees at clubs host "booty-hop" contests where the prize is meager but perhaps most important of all, the winner feels desirable. Hordes of men should be the last place for women to look to gain esteem, but this appears to be a rising trend that radio personality Howard Stern has cashed in on, "auditioning" hundreds of women to assess their worthiness to appear in Playboy. The critics are harsh, pointing at every flaw as they peruse the contestants' bodies. To add insult to injury, the judges are usually unqualified (Mike is a perverted grocery store worker, and Lenny - a seasoned garbage man). Shows like these connote that the only bond between the sexes is sex itself.

Even babies are socialized, as evidenced by the Baby X study in which adults would choose different toys for the baby according to gender norms. Toys given to boys foster aggression whereas feminine toys teach them to nurture. Mass media makes a mess of male role models, leaving boys with macho heroes who gets the girl but fails to communicate. In the book Reaching Up for Manhood: Transforming the Lives of Boys in America, Geoffrey Canada pinpoints harmful associations: "The image of male as strong is mixed with the image of male as violent. Male as virile gets confused with male as promiscuous. Male as adventurous equals males as reckless. Male as intelligent often gets mixed with male as arrogant, racist, and sexist." Males who do not brashly display these qualities are stripped of their manhood and labeled "sissy" or "pussy". Busta Rhymes, a hip hop musician, threatens violators with "youse a bitch and while we bust yo' ass, yo' faggot peoples ain't even checkin... yeah, we move like stonefaced cold-hearted niggahs." On one side are the bitches and the faggots, and the other is the unemotional fighters. Listening to these lyrics, one would assume that you'd have to choose one side or another: kill or be killed, as connoted by the closing lines "And y'all survival of the fittest mother-fuckers, SURVIVE." Obviously anyone in survival mode would not be in an ideal position to maintain a symbiotic bond.

My brother and I practically looked like twins despite our two year age difference. I really looked up to him, and this was reflected in my style of dress as well as the sports I chose to participate in. We were so alike, yet I was the one always getting in trouble for bad behavior even though we had our fair share of temper tantrums. After dinner, my dad requested me to wash dishes while my brother played video games. It prompted me to write an essay that was published in the local paper, titled "Why is my dad like this?" Unfortunately that was never answered - not from my family anyway. My mom recalled our nanny's warning, "You need to watch this one. She's rambunctious." It didn't take long for my brother to pick up cues. He confiscated my weight set, saying that girls weren't supposed to work out. When Lion King came out, he told me I was abnormal because I didn't cry during the sad scenes. As an adolescent, I felt torn between behaving and getting ignored versus doing my own thing and getting scolded.

Myra and David Sadker documented sex bias in the classroom: "Whether male comments are insightful or irrelevant, teachers respond to them. However, when girls call out...suddenly the teacher remembers the rule about raising your hand before you talk" (Sadker 355). "If not nurture, then nature," argue theorists who look to biological adaptations to explain sexually dimorphic social behavior. David Geary suggests that women's tendency to be cooperative is actually a survival mechanism of our female ancestor's given that historically males are the philopatric sex. Kin based relationships tend to be unconditional, whereas friendships are characterized by reciprocity (Geary 248). Some claim that behavioral differences between girls and boys are as deep-rooted as DNA. It is useful to look at deviants such as girls with congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH) and David Reimer, the boy who was raised as a girl. CAH causes abnormally high levels of testosterone to be produced in fetuses. "Girls with CAH show increased male-typical playbehavior, including increased preferences for toys that areusually chosen by boys, such as vehicles and weapons, increasedpreferences for boys as playmates and increased interest inrough-and-tumble play (Hines 9)." Brenda recalls ignoring dolls she received as gifts, opting instead for her twin brother's toys.

When I worked with a co-ed team to produce a show, I was easily frustrated when dealing with three male coworkers. They were quick to criticize, so I corrected myself before they could open their mouth; but there was always something new. I joined in when Heather, the host of the show, made fun of these guys. One day, the owner of the company chastised my nemesis at work to the point where he wanted to quit right there and then. I thought that irreparable damage was done but was surprised to see them joking in Arabic the following week. Testing the waters, I complained about the boss' demand for perfection to Bauhaa, the cameraman. He told me that the trick is to not it personally. Seeing that Bauha had no hard feelings, I spoke up the next time he asked me to do something already done. Things went smoothly from there because I was able to establish boundaries regarding our separate duties. The message was loud and clear: "I know how to do my job." From that moment on, we worked splendidly with each other.

All was not smooth sailing from that point on however. When John, one of the aforementioned coworkers, quit, Heather began making me the butt of jokes. Being that she was generally unavailable and aloof, I never found an appropriate time to address her hostility except once when she went overboard.

My wish came true at the wrong time, as Bauha, John, and Dan were replaced by Michele, Sarah, and Helen. The problems I encountered with them were of a whole new variety. The first issue was the pace. Because every minute counts in a studio, requests must be communicated swiftly. Many times Sarah would whisper, "Could you please set up the shot" as a blank screen flashed before a nationwide audience. At first I thought she was being polite, but then I realized that everything was phrased as a question. Not wanting to offend her, I mimicked her speech, and the flow of communication inched forward.

Then I trained Helen, who seemed pleasant and eager to learn, but soon found that she had no initiative. One time I had to remind her ten times to show the back of the product. Interestingly enough, she'd say "sure" with a smile each time, so I gave her another chance... and another. However, if it were Bauhaa who needed the reminding, I would have cracked it out like a whip. Suddenly it was me who was the pushy one. From formalities to meta-messages, switching to an all female cast eventually took its toll on me. Although this case may only represent individual differences in communication styles, it has made me reluctant to work with women.

Robin Lakoff has composed a list of women's conversational style. First, women tend to phrase things as a question either by adding a tag such as, "Isn't that true" or by ending the sentence with a higher tone, as if speaking with less conviction. Deborah Tannen, sociolinguist and author of many interpersonal communication books, notes that even women who hold high titles use language that is interpreted by men as one-down. There are behavioral differences in the workplace as well. Then there is rapport versus report. It is no secret that females like to talk. In discussing a peeping tom with a male classmate, I found our conversation cut short by "You need to close the blinds." I was hoping for something a bit more empathetic, maybe even "that sucks." His response made me feel as if I weren't bright enough to deal with the situation on my own. This is an example of someone missing the context and viewing it as an open and shut case. Martha Barletta attributes this to the fact that when men communicate, they're more concerned with conveying information and establishing status. When women communicate, they're building connections through exchanging information. This pattern is reflected even in children. In recorded conversations, elementary school girls bonded by mirroring each other's opinions whereas boys liked to show off their prowess, each trying to one-up the other: (Boy 1)"I can jump as high as this slide." (Boy 2) "I can jump as high as a building." (Boy 1) "I can jump to infinity (Tannen 91)." As adults, women oftentimes feel bulldozed in meetings where they expect to take turns but are interrupted by men who talk to win. Schools and corporations have taken an interest in this dilemma and welcome seminars that address gender differences.

In Sadker's study, boys received most feedback in every area except for appearance. Even when Ashley brought a math medal to class after winning a competition, everyone only complimented her new look. What message is being sent to girls? This is a second area where females are socialized to be pleasant. Not only are they punished for assertiveness, they are reinforced to attend to second rate matters such as primping. It appears that no woman, from high powered prosecutors like Marsha Clark to bartenders like Darlene Jesperson, is exempt from the extra burden of aesthetics. At the beginning of the OJ Simpson trial, Clark revamped her wardrobe to soften her image at the recommendation of jury consultants. After 21 years of outstanding work at a casino in Nevada, Darlene Jesperson was fired when she refused to wear make-up. In every arena where women have made headway, a trace of the past lingers and posits a duality: office-worker/arm candy, career woman/housekeeper. Linda Chavez recalls feeling proud when she ascended to assistant business manager. She was soon deflated, however, when she realized that her colleagues viewed her more as an assistant than equal. "I'd be the only woman in a room of 20 men, and they'd say, 'Linda, why don't you take the minutes (Muoio 8).'" It's about time that "woman in the home" bunk gets thrown out. That is not to say that the chores and children should be abandoned. Vanderbilt professor Joni Hersch recently reported that women do 50% more housework than men regardless of profession. Where one steps off, another must take ownership. It is understandable that habits can't be changed overnight. An easier step would be to redeem the next generation by implementing a more egalitarian regimen.

Changing times calls for new tactics, and many companies are adopting strategies that utilize the best of both worlds. In this day and age where the school and the workplace is colored by different genders as well as cultures, adaptability is key for success. Those brave enough to move gender boundaries should not be ostracized.

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