Different Forms Domestic Violence Can Take

Domestic violence, as the name implies, is considered by many to be the physical harm perpetrated by one member of relationship on another member, whether it be between husband and wife or parent and child. But there is more to domestic violence, or spousal abuse, than physical attacks. As one who survived and escaped the abuse of an alcoholic spouse, I experienced the full range of different forms of domestic violence. It starts slow, with little things easily overlooked or ignored.

A playful smack on the arm can be a precursor to a full speed punch in the face. A rant about a bad day at work leads to vicious verbal tirades, personal attacks that leave emotional scars long after the bruises heal. And if a man will use his fists on a woman one day, he is likely to use a weapon the next day. Based on my personal experience as a victim of domestic violence for twenty years, it is a vicious on-going cycle that does not end until you leave, or end up dead. A few cases are only one or two forms of abuse, often not recognized as such. My case spanned them all: verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical/sexual abuse.

Verbal abuse is displayed in every way from minor name-calling, or joking, to furious, humiliating tirades, from giving orders to demanding you leave. The abuser uses vulgar language and insults, and shows no respect to the victim as a human being. He rants and raves about everything from a bad day on the job or his employer to money, to housework, to false accusations. My abuser frequently called me nasty, vulgar names and told me how worthless I was and that no other man would ever put up with me-part of the control factor of an abusive relationship. These tirades can vary in frequency, increasing over time, especially under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In my case, they occurred nightly by the time I left him.

Emotional abuse goes hand in hand with verbal abuse. When the verbal tirade puts the victim in tears, the abuser professes his love, often in an embrace, and swears it won't happen again. It is a lie as the abuser knows he has the victim right where he wants her. By now, he has alienated the woman from her family and if she has friends, they are often his friends so has no one to turn to for help. She depends only on him and he is in control. The abuser withdraws and bestows his love according to whether or not the victim agrees with him in everything. If she disagree or has a different opinion, or even just tries to defend herself, she 'doesn't care' and he withdraws that love until she gives in to him. Over time, the victim 'learns' not to oppose him in any way. She becomes an extension of him and loses sight of herself as a unique human being.

Psychological abuse encompasses al of the above forms and expands the effect. The abuser is very manipulative, often putting the victim on a guilt trip. The guiltier he makes her feel, the more she will do everything and anything in her power to prove her love and loyalty. My abuser was very manipulative and very dept at perpetuating lies. During any confrontation, on those occasions I dared stand up to him and defend myself, he used pain, either physical or faked emotions to change the situation so I'd end up soothing and pampering him. If I didn't' let him off the hook, he'd change tactics. He'd back off while I cried, swear it wouldn't happen again, and bestow his love once more. Soon, it would happen again, usually with an added order repeated several times to "get the [expletive] out."

The control factor reinforces the abuse. He sets the rules and enforces them with any method that works. The woman is required to show that she cares by being a virtual slave in the relationship, by following the abuser's rules. Even if the woman has a job, it is with permission and according to his dictates. If some criteria are impractical, the abuser allows it but spends time berating and abusing the victim, punishing her over and over again. In my case, I needed to get a job but my hours didn't match his. I worked nights and weekends and often came home to verbal tirades about my work hours and housework among other things. The abuser deems it his right to treat the woman in any way he sees fit for 'crossing' him.

Over time all forms of abuse combine and culminate in physical/sexual abuse. Yes, sexual abuse. The abuser believes he is entitled to sex, any sexual act, at any time he chooses regardless. The victim doesn't have to consent. He either coerces or forces her and she believes she must submit. But sexual submission isn't enough. When the abuser is in a rage, anything or anyone becomes a target of fists or any object he can grab. My abuser loved to throw things. If I mustered a tiny bit of courage and threw it back at him, he used his fists. If I hit back, it became a physical altercation-until the night he grabbed two knives and threatened to kill me. I realized then if I didn't get out, I would likely end up dead.

There is no one form of domestic violence. It takes many forms, put under general headings. These forms manifest themselves in as many different ways as there are abused and abusers. Abuse may be as subtle as a look or as vicious as a punch, but the signs are often there. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse are wrapped in one package-Domestic Violence.