Different Noble Titles One Can Obtain

No need to find a down-on-his-luck nobleman to obtain a title. If you have European ancestry, title rehabilitation may be feasible. It works like this: For a small fee, a thousand bucks or so, a peerage attorney inspects your family tree for long-lost noble ancestors whose titles you can claim. Suppose it turns out your great-great-great-grandfather's second cousin twice removed was the Baron of Slaphappy, who died without heirs. Bingo! You send the peerage attorney, say, $25,000, and he files a few papers and sends you a certificate identifying you as the rightful heir and new Baron of Slaphappy. Capitalism at its finest.

To get you started on your quest to acquire greatness, here are a few purveyors of noble titles and title rehabilitation services:

Burke's Titles

For 175 years, British nobles have turned to the venerable Burke's Peerage when they needed to know who's who. In keeping up with the times, Burke's has diversified into such unlofty areas as title sales and rehabilitation. Burke's specializes in Scottish and French baronies that come with a piece of land (typically one-half to five acres). Burke's seems to be a bit on the pricey side, but there is compensation: Your name gets listed in the official Burke's Peerage directory-handy if some twirp questions your bonafides.

Manorial Auctioneers

Although it sounds like the Sotheby's of noble titles, Manorial Auctioneers is more of a broker than an auction house. Manorial Auctioneers principally deals in lordships of the manor and feudal baronies, which are offered through a published catalog. Each title is described and accompanied by family history, lineage, coats of arms, etc. Titles are sold on a firstcome, first-served basis. Buyers pay a 10 percent premium to the sale price.

British Feudal Investments Ltd.

BFI handles a wide range of titles, including English lordships of the manor, baronies, viscountcies, Scottish lairdships, as well as feudal titles gathering dust in France and Germany. BFI has also gotten into Eastern European titles of nobility in the wake of the fall of communism. BFI, like Burke's, also searches for vacant titles that can be rehabilitated and claimed by a shirttail relative. Best of all, BFI publishes a monthly report on the state of your investment entitled "BFI Feudal Titles Market Index" (the Dow Jones, it ain't) English Titles Co.

English Titles purveys British seated titles on the cheap. Their list price is $1,600, which also covers a tiny square of land somewhere that you can call your own. They even offer titles of your own choosing on "as yet, unnamed areas of land." Yes, you can be the Lord of Benny Hill.

Nobilitat Regalia

Nobilitat Regalia caters to the aspiring noble on a budget. Prices range from $100 for a knight and $500 for a viscount of the Barony of Clermont. Apparently, St. Michel de Clermont was a tiny fiefdom of the Latin Empire of Constantinople founded during the 4th Crusade in 1232 A.D. Nobilitat Regalia keeps costs down by enlisting their very own fons honorum (font of honor), The Prince Douglas, St. Michel de Clermont. His Excellency The Prince can issue titles until his pen runs dry.

There's just one stipulation: The Prince will only grant honors to those who assure him of their good character and dedication to the ideals of chivalry (saving damsels in distress, that sort of thing). The Prince requests you write him a letter in care of his personal secretary, Count Sean Borelia ("Lord Sean"), and tell him why you are worthy of his graces (they ask that you keep it short since His Excellency gets a lot of mail). Assuming you pass His Excellency's stringent standards and your check clears, you will receive a calligraphic scroll signed by The Prince and, naturally, suitable for framing. Nobilitat suggests that before you tack it up on the wall, you have a reducedsize copy of it made for carrying in your wallet or attachment to your resume. Nobilitat Regalia also sells nifty medals, sashes, and other titular decorations for wearing to formal occasions (or job interviews).

General caveat: There are a number of unsavory operators marketing various titles as a means of avoiding the Internal Revenue Service. These groups frequently operate from offshore locations in Bermuda, Panama, and Belize, where assets are difficult for U.S. agencies to get at. Do not fall for these scams. As an American citizen, you are still liable for your taxes, whether you are the Duke of Frankincense or not.

Acting like nobility

Once you have obtained your title, you need to bear several things in mind if you wish to be properly assimilated into the upper reaches of society. First, royals and nobles feel very secure about their positions; they don't need to impress people with mere things. As critic Nancy Mitford said in A Talent to Annoy, "In England, if you are a duchess you don't need to be well dressed-it would be thought quite eccentric." Second, do not affect a phony British accent. Just say your father was in the Foreign Office and you were born and reared in the States. Do, however, sprinkle in a few British words for spice, such as, toffs (dandies), loo (toilet) and chinchin! (bottoms up!). Third, it is far better to be discretely introduced by a friend as nobility-never announce yourself as "Lord So-and-So"-people will be more apt to treat you with the respect you so richly deserve.