Digital Media Tycoon Unveils Her "Almighty Presence" To Mainstream Media

New York, NY-At 9:21 PM EST on April 13^th, Miss Arianna Huffington, the internationally recognized digital media tycoon who founded The Huffington Post in 2005 and later garnered a reputation as the 'Queen of All Digital Media Pertaining To Cats, Including But Not Limited To Kitty Cats, Pussy Cats, and Rich Fat Cats,' revealed to the mainstream media that exposure to her presence has the power to provide Americans with financial security, happy thoughts, and much more.

"I don't know why, but it appears that whenever men or women spend just five minutes around me, their wallets miraculously fill up with wads of cash," Miss Huffington told reporters at a press conference outside her headquarters on 675 Sixth Avenue Thursday evening, though her accent was so thick that three translators were required to decipher it. "And oftentimes they even start having many happy thoughts about adorable kittens."

She continued, "I like kittens!"

Miss Huffington first started noticing the remarkable effects her presence has on people a few months after she launched her news website. Whenever she would venture beyond her office, strange and astounding things would begin to take place all around her.

Convinced that something of a paranormal nature was occurring, Miss Huffington sought out the assistance of UFO enthusiast and Metaphysics Institute School of Paranormal Science professor Eugene Volokh. Over the course of two years, starting from 2008, Professor Volokh followed Miss Huffington and carefully recorded everything that happened around her.

"My meticulous research has led me to believe that Arianna has been granted a great power by God," he wrote in the latest edition of Strange Magazine, which was published at exactly 7:00 PM EST the night before Miss Huffington came clean to the media.

Volokh went on to cite numerous examples of her power, including one in 2009 when she was driving her car through Time Square, and a homeless man suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began to wipe her windshield.

"I watched in utter astonishment as the dollar bill Arianna was about to give the poor fellow transformed into a hundred dollar bill. It was the most endearing experience that I've ever had."

During his tenure with Miss Huffington, Volokh has also witnessed orphans being united with their formerly deceased parents, squished bugs springing back to life, and people who had no chance of winning lawsuits actually winning them.

And though actual scientists have yet to verify his claims, Volokh contends that Miss Huffington's presence also has the power to make men and women's sperm and ovaries more virile. Even more astonishing is Volokh's claim that Miss Huffington's presence can cause a neutered or spayed dog's reproductive organs to reform.

Unfortunately, Miss Huffington's presence has also rendered a bevy of unwanted side effects over the years. For instance, just two weeks ago her presence transformed 55-year-old Jonathan Tasini from a successful writer into a "modern day village idiot" who now lives in a cardbox box outside Miss Huffington's main office building.

Her presence has also made gay men straight and straight dogs gay. Even worse, it transformed what was once a luxury cruise ship into a slave ship manned by what are now 3,000 talking cats.

"There are obviously some complications that must still be sorted out, but as Professor Volokh made abundantly clear in his article," Miss Huffington explained to reporters, while pointing to the latest edition of Strange Science, "this power was given unto me by God himself to cure all of mankind's ills."

She added, "Plus, it's not my fault that I'm like amphetamine to those who bathe in my almighty presence!"

Moral of the story #1: Exposure ain't all that it's cut out to be :-).