Discipline - a Gift to Our Children

I tried to pass on to my children the lessons that my father taught me. His teaching was firm. I remember asking when I was about 12 for a new bicycle and he responded that it sure looked like my old bike needed to be replaced as it was quite small for my lanky frame. I was elated and said, "Can we go to the store and get one?" "Sure let's go", he said. We went to the store, I identified the new Schwin 3-speed bike (I don't recall the 10 or more speeds of today) and wheeled it to the front of the store. The salesperson rang up the sale and I looked to my father to make the payment. He looked at me and said, "You don't expect me to pay do you?" Long story short, we departed the store and returned home without a bicycle. The lesson was hard, caused disappointment, but was learned. I soon obtained a paper route, the first of many - saved my money and indeed bought a new bicycle. I took very good care of it and it lasted until I was 16 when I bought my first car. My father did co-sign the loan, but I made every payment.

Lou Holtz, the famous football coach and current ESPN sports analyst said that "discipline is not something we do to our children, it is something we do for them."

This is an insightful reminder of the importance of discipline in our lives and the lives of our children. Discipline means much more than simply responding to the commands of others. Discipline is a state of mind, body and spirit that provides the impetus to strive for more. Discipline makes success possible. Discipline provides the tool necessary to move our dreams and aspirations from comforting thoughts into the world of reality.

How does one become disciplined in mind, body and spirit?

Discipline begins with parental expectations and then builds upon that teaching to enable an individual to master the allocation of their time, efforts and resources. It builds self-esteem and confidence in our children and promotes attitudes that are essential for entry into the responsibilities of adulthood. Those that are able to instill discipline in their children have indeed provided a gift that will last a lifetime. The question is, what exactly is discipline and how does one instill it in their children?

It's not that hard, but does require work. Like any effort to acquire a skill, practice is essential. Tiger Woods became a successful golfer because he began practice early in life, garnered awards and approval for his performance, obviously enjoyed the accolades and continued to strive for a higher level of achievement. It works that way for everyone. Those that master the elements of discipline, enjoy the benefits of success. Those that believe that discipline will suddenly be thrust upon them through some miracle are delusional and subject to frequent failure.

Discipline is being aware of and subsequently taking the actions necessary for achievement. At home parents can begin with the assignment of simple chores that are expected to be performed by their children. The value of discipline in children can be inculcated through simple steps.

For instance, require them to pick up their toys and put them away after they have completed play. Explain why it is essential, promise that toys will go missing for several days if they are not picked up and offer a reward if everything is completed by them without a reminder. It may not go well at first. Toys left scattered about must disappear and tears may follow. Begging for forgiveness and promises of obedience in the future will likely ensue. Here is where the real parenting begins. No loving parent wants tears in their children, but this training is essential and while parents may be troubled by their lack of forgiveness, it must be recognized that in fact you are providing the character tools that will be necessary later in life. Children must learn that nothing is owed to them and everything has to be earned. The reality of adulthood is that once a transgression is committed, it is often difficult or even impossible to be forgiven. Why not teach this lesson early in the lives of our children?

Once the children recognize that forgiveness is not available, they will embrace the lesson. It is then that rewards may be given. Words of encouragement and praise for helping as well as small tokens of appreciation can be presented. As the children grow older, more expectations more must be added to their list of responsibilities.

What you sow is what you reap. Many parents are responsible for "out of control" teenagers. The seeds for this difficulty were sowed during early childhood. Many parents mistakenly taught their children that rewards are possible with no effort. It is critical that children recognize early in their lives that pleasures and rewards have to be earned. Manners, personal hygiene, respect for authority and most importantly, self-esteem, are not qualities that are suddenly discovered while children are playing. Parents are responsible for teaching those qualities.

School brings additional demands for discipline. From the earliest beginnings of our children's schooling we determined that success was in their best interests, so we were actively involved. This required discipline on our behalf as well our children. Homework was a priority. In the early years, it was easy - in the later years, I relearned Algebra so I could respond to questions and provide help as necessary. The children learned that they could expect questions about school and that a negative response was not acceptable to the familiar question, "What did you do in school today?"

Rewards for success were frequent and when there were challenges, help, advice, consolation and occasionally punishments were meted out. Teaching discipline is not necessarily easy, but as with any struggle the rewards for mastering control over one's self is great.

I often thought of the lessons in responsibility and discipline that my father taught as I raised my children. At Christmas and on birthdays, I received modest gifts, usually clothes. But what I did learn is that if you want to possess something you have to work for it. Those lessons were invaluable and the greatest gifts my father could give.

Dad is gone now and I talked recently with my mother about how hard Dad was on my brother and me. She said they talked about it often and he was often troubled about putting us through the struggle, but he was convinced that what he was doing was the right thing.

Dad - it was the right thing and I thank you for your loving lessons. I believe I have passed on the discipline lessons to your grandchildren.