Discipline Problems and the Single Mom

I've been married for the past 2 ½ years, but I still consider myself a single mom. My husband is a truck driver, and he's usually gone Monday through Friday, and sometimes he isn't around on the weekend - usually when my kids are home. The weekends my kids are visiting their dad, my husband wants to be home so we can do whatever we want without the my kids. Even though I'm married, I am a single mom because I don't have the help I need, and it isn't easy to enforce rules and discipline the kids by myself.

In many cases but not all, stepparents don't have the same feelings for step kids as they do for their own children. This can make life very difficult, especially for the parent who considers themselves a single parent. The stepparent implements household rules, and in my case my husband doesn't hesitate to come down on my kids for infractions, but in many other ways my kids are ignored. I'm a single mom, but I have a husband to answer to. My situation isn't unusual. Many other single moms, married or otherwise, have the same problems with discipline and stepparent issues. This has only complicated the discipline problems I've had with my 12 year old son.

My son isn't as respectful or as fearful of me as he is of my husband, his father, and his grandfather, and as a result I've had problems enforcing the rules when I'm on my own. It's real easy to pass judgment on single moms and tell them what they're doing or not doing, but single moms are often taken advantage of by kids who know the parent in charge doesn't have the backing of another adult. Until a person finds themselves in this situation, they have no idea how difficult parenting can be as a single mom. Women in general aren't as intimidating as men when it comes to discipline, and this can cause serious ongoing problems for everyone in the family.

The following information provides helpful tips for others who are single moms, unmarried, married, or otherwise. I've discovered positive ways to discipline my son and gain the help of others who are able to impact his behavior more than I've been able to. Every situation is different, and every child is different, and what works for some won't work for others. Clear cut answers don't always exist, but these methods of discipline have helped my particular situation.

Getting Help From Grandpa

I've never wanted my son to view my dad as a mean guy, but I have no one else to help me with my son when my husband is out of town. My son knows he can take advantage of this situation, and he has tried many times. As a single mom, it's not easy to enforce rules and keep a home under control, especially when kids are lacking respect and have a very bad attitude.

One time in particular, my 12 year old son refused to go to school because he said his back hurt. He has been known to blow aches and pains way out of proportion in the past, and although I believed his back may have been strained while playing and probably to some extent, I didn't think it was bad enough to warrant staying home from school. Before refusing to get on the bus he walked like an 80 year old man around the house, and he was a very bad actor. After I had no choice but to give in because I couldn't physically force him to get on the bus, his back problem greatly improved. When I asked my son why he was suddenly able to walk without problems, he claimed it hurt to sit down. He changed the story, and it was clear that he just didn't want to go to school.

I told my husband by phone about the major discipline problems I was having that morning, and he took it upon himself to call my dad. About 15 minutes later someone was knocking on my front door. Without saying a word, my dad and mom stepped inside. All my dad had to do was point his finger at my son and tell him to get his books because he was going to school. For someone with horrific back pain he moved pretty fast to get those books! I could have grown a set of horns and blew smoke out of my ears but I wouldn't have been as intimidating as my dad.

I don't like having to ask my dad for help with discipline problems because I don't want him to look like the bad guy in my son's eyes, but as a single mom I've had to pick up the phone to call him more than once since the previously mentioned incident. Just picking up the phone has been enough to make my son do what I say, and since my dad stepped in to help with discipline, things have improved. Being a single mom who is married has proved to be the most challenging job I've ever had, but with the help of family I'm doing better with discipline issues.

Reinforcing the Importance of Respect

Giving kids the respect they deserve is important when trying to teach them respect - when they deserve that respect. When a 12 year old child calls a parent names, throws temper tantrums, and demands his or her way in no uncertain terms, it's hard to not stoop to the same level, and as a single mom I've dealt with these types of problems. I am however a single mom who wants to raise a productive and respectful member of society, and I've been working on showing my son the level of respect he deserves when he deserves it. This has helped somewhat with discipline problems.

Sometimes kids don't see parents as real human beings with feelings, especially single moms, and they see them as dictators and barriers to independence. I want my son to realize he'll get a lot further with me if he shows the proper respect I deserve as a single mom and as an adult. I will in turn show him the respect he deserves, and hopefully we'll get along much better as a result.

Rewards for Good Behavior

Like any caring mom, single or otherwise, I don't want my child to fail, and recently I had to come up with consequences for bad grades. As a single mom, discipline has been a problem in the past, and through trial and error I've discovered that long-term punishments don't work in our situation. My son needs incentives for good grades. To some this might sound like bribery, but what's wrong with rewarding someone for good grades and good behavior?

When it has become necessary to discipline my son due to bad grades or whatnot, I use short-term rewards and punishments. For example, when he was grounded for weeks on end, it was clear he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and this just didn't work. As a single mom, I've chosen to give my son day-by-day rewards and punishments when necessary. This seems to work the best for us since other forms of discipline have failed to work in the past.