Discipline that Sends a Positive Message

As a parent, I believe that children need to have boundaries and discipline in their lives, as well as rewards for making the right choices and doing well. I believe that discipline should be about helping a child to understand why the choice they made was wrong and help them to really learn from the mistakes that they have made. I also believe in sending a positive message even when they are being punished for a poor choice. My approach to using punishments as a tool to teach a positive lesson gives my children a chance to remember the good within themselves and others. In addition, I have found that it has had a positive effect on their lives both at home and away from home. I do my best to make each experience one from which they can learn something that will make them better people later on. I chose this method almost out of desperation. Two years ago, my children, although they knew right from wrong, were becoming increasingly disrespectful to me and to others. Nothing I did seemed to make a difference. Something needed to change, conventional methods just were not having any impact. Then, I decided to make a change, and I did. I got creative and I really began focusing on the positive. I thought long and hard on how I could help my kids learn to become more positive and responsible. These are my most effective tactics.

When one child is intentionally being mean to another, many parents would separate the children and put the offender in a time out situation. I also separate the children for a time, but rather than putting the offender in a time out, I take that child aside and ask the child to tell me why he/she was being mean, ask what the better choice would have been, make the child apologize and also make them do something nice for the person they were being mean to.

For example, my son and daughter were outside playing tag. My son was "it" and because he is a little faster than my daughter, he caught her and tagged her more quickly than she would have liked. While he was attempting to tag her, he tripped over a stick and ended up pushing her to the ground. Even though he apologized to her immediately and explained that he tripped, my daughter got up and shoved him down to the ground. He hit his head on the ground and started to cry. I heard the noise and went to check on them. My son, through his tears told me what happened. I first checked to make sure he was okay, and then I took her aside for a little talk. I asked her why she pushed him. Of course, her initial response was to say that he pushed her first, but I pointed out that he did not mean to push her, he tripped. She finally told me that she pushed him because she was angry and felt that he pushed her on purpose. Then, I asked her what the better choice would have been, even if he had pushed her on purpose. She told me that instead of pushing him as she did, she should have first listened to him when he said it was an accident, and if he had done it on purpose, she should have told me. The next step was for her to apologize and do something nice for him. She chose to take him a drink since she knew that he was thirsty, and she apologized as she handed it to him.

In my opinion, this way of punishment accomplishes several things. First of all, the child who made a poor choice has to become accountable and take responsibility for that choice. Second, the child learns that there are better choices, and learns to verbalize the better choices. Third, by doing something nice as well as apologizing, the child is showing that he/she is truly apologetic for the choice he/she made as well as for the result that came from the choice.

When children say things to each other out of anger, often, parents will once again place the children in a time out situation. I, on the other hand do not place the children in time out. Instead, I have both of them sit down, face each other and say only nice things to each other for a period of time. When the time is up, I make them hug each other. In addition, I also have them both explain to me why they began saying mean things to each other in the first place.

For example, my son and daughter are with me in the car. It is a hot day and there are a lot of groceries in the seat between them. I turn a corner and a bag slides towards my son, so he pushes it back where it was. My daughter immediately thinks that he is trying to push everything into her lap, and the anger begins to build. They begin shoving the groceries back and forth and calling each other names. I repeatedly try to diffuse the situation, but rather than stop, they persist. So, when we get home, I sit them each in a chair facing each other. I set a timer for five minutes or more and tell them that they must say nothing but nice things to each other until the timer goes off. When the timer goes off, I tell them to give each other a hug. They both feel better and they are once again getting along just fine. When I ask them about the situation, they are both able to recognize that the situation got out of control even though it began with my son simply trying to fix the groceries. They express the way they felt at the time, telling me that they became frustrated and felt like the other one was trying to put groceries in their lap.

I feel that this teaches my children that even though they may become angry or frustrated with a situation, and they may say things they really don't mean at that time, they still see the good in each other. Making them face each other and verbalize those good things reinforces to both of them that they are great people and they think highly of each other. By them hugging each other, they both get a sense of closer to the situation and can move forward more easily. By explaining the situation to me, they are able to more easily recognize how the situation began and verbalize the way they felt. This helps them make better choices in the future when those feelings arise again.

When children are disrespectful to their parents, many parents will once again use the time out punishment for correction. I do not use time out in this instance at all. Instead, I will hand my son or daughter a piece of paper and a pencil and have him or her write for me. The writing assignment I choose coincides with the disrespectful behavior. I may have him or her write a short essay about the situation and what the correct choice would be, or I may have him or her write sentences on the paper. If I choose sentences, there are generally two different ones and one of those is, "I love and respect myself." The other sentence is one that reflects the disrespectful behavior.

For example, one day, my oldest son wanted something that was in my bedroom. It had been taken away from him the previous night because he was using it after it was time for lights to be out and him to be in bed. I was not the one to take the item from him, so it was not my place to give it back. It was his dad's choice when to give it back because he was the one to take it away. My son did not like that he had to wait until his dad got home to ask for it, so, without permission, and without my knowledge, he went into my room and took the item. Later that evening, his dad went to retrieve the item and give it back, but it was not there. When confronted, my son, at first said that I gave it to him, and then he said that I told him that he could go get it, and then he finally told the truth. As a result, he had to write a short essay explaining why it was disrespectful to go into my room, without permission and take things as well as why it was disrespectful to lie. The essay had to include not only what he had done, but also why it was wrong and what the better choice would have been. When he was finished, I edited and corrected it, and he had to re-write it as a final draft.

Another example would be when my daughter had a day when she was being disrespectful all around. It wasn't any one particular instance; it was many over a short span of time, and she was being disrespectful to the entire family. She had to write sentences that day. The first sentence was, "I love and respect myself." The second sentence that day was, "I love and respect my family."

With having my son write the essay, he was learning how to identify and take responsibility for the poor choices he made. He had to put into words not only what he did, but also why it was wrong and what he should have done instead. He walked away from that experience telling me that he understood why his choice was wrong, and he has not made the same choice since. In addition, he also got some much needed practice in writing.

For my daughter, having her write the sentences that I chose for her to write sent a more positive message to her than having her write something such as, "I will not be disrespectful." I always choose the sentence, "I love and respect myself" because I think that it is important for children to learn that the first step to respecting others and loving others is to love and respect ourselves. By repeatedly writing a more positive statement such as, "I love and respect my family" the sentence becomes reality and the behavior begins to reflect that. The sentences are a positive statement telling them what they do rather than a more negative worded one telling them what they will not do.

I feel that these writing assignments do more than make my children think about their actions. I feel that they also help them with positive thinking, problem solving as well as writing skills that they will use all of their lives.

My children are not beyond having privileges taken away either. When they try to get away with not doing things they are asked, they do loose privileges or have things taken away for a time. If they leave things just lying around when they know to put them away, they lose those things for a while.

For example, if my oldest son is watching television in his bedroom and I ask him to please fold a load of laundry while he is watching television, I expect that he will do it. If he does not do the chore, I will unplug his cable until the chore is complete. If the boys have been playing video games and they leave the games strewn out all over the floor, chances are good that they will find that the video game system has disappeared for a few days.

This has helped in teaching them not only to respect me, but also to respect the fact that they have these privileges in the first place. It doesn't seem to take them long at all to come to me and take responsibility for their behavior and tell me what they should have done instead.

Of course, along with punishments, there has to be rewards. In my household, rewards are seldom things that I go out and buy for them. Once in a while, I will go out and buy them a small reward, but even then, it is generally something that they can use or that they need. For example, all of my children like to write with mechanical pencils rather than plain old number 2 pencils. They seem to go through them quickly, whether they use all of the lead, break the lead, or lose the pencil altogether. So, as a reward, I may go to the store and buy them each a package of mechanical pencils. In general, my children get rewarded by having privileges and choosing how to spend their free time. The amount of free time they get and the extent of the privileges reflects their behavioral choices.

For example, if my daughter has done very well during the day, chances are very good that she will have free time after her homework is finished until it is time for her to eat dinner. If she has made poor choices that day, her time will be used doing something I feel she should do, like additional reading for school.

If my son went all week making mostly good choices, then, when the weekend comes, he will have one or two small chores to do, such as cleaning his room and taking out the trash, then the rest of the time is his to do what he enjoys doing. Depending on what is going on that weekend, he may even have a friend stay the night or stay over at a friend's house. If he made poor choices most of the week, he has a few more chores to do and less time for fun.

With all of the school activities and other things my children and I do each day, they really value having time to do the things that they want to do. By giving them free time as a reward for making good choices, they are learning that not all good things are bought and that time is valuable. By allowing them to decide how to spend their free time(within reason, of course), they are also learning how to get the most out of their time by managing their free time according to how they want to spend it.

On a daily basis, I am sure to tell my children that I am proud of them and that I feel that they are doing a good job. Even when they have been difficult during the day, I am sure to tell them that I am proud of what they did that displayed good choices. That doesn't mean that the bad choices go unnoticed, we do briefly discuss what has happened and what they have learned, but I try not to dwell on those things for very long. In my opinion, it is best to focus on the good. If we have had a particularly challenging day, we "throw away" our bad feelings at the end of the day. I will hand each child a piece of paper, and I will take one myself.( I feel that it is important for them to know that I also have bad thoughts and feelings at times, and I do not always make good choices especially when it has been a difficult day.) We will crumble up the paper and while we crumble the paper, we "stuff our bad feelings inside". When we feel like our bad feelings are all crumbled up inside the paper, we throw it away. For us, this symbolizes getting rid of bad thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Now, two years later, I do still have problems at times, but with patience and persistence, I have noticed some very dramatic changes in all of my kids. They are trying harder and feeling better about what they accomplish. They willingly go out and help others as well as each other. They take responsibility for their own actions. They have more confidence in themselves and each other. In addition, they are all doing a lot better in school, both with their academics as well as with behavior and time management skills. They are becoming more positive every day and they are making better choices than ever before.