Disciplining with the "Count to 20" Technique: Calming Your Toddler

Toddlers don't like to stop when they're having fun. (Do any of us?) So what is a parent to do when an activity must end, but you really don't feel like dealing with the inevitable tantrum?

One technique I used, even before my daughter turned one, is the "count to 20" method. It's really simple, and it's effective for a number of reasons.

Here's what you do.

Imagine your little one is playing with blocks, and it's about time for her to stop for whatever reason.

Say to her, "When I count to 20, it will be blocks-all-done. Twenty-all done. OK? Twenty-all done." Then proceed to count to 20, kind of slowly if you have the time. When you reach twenty, say to her, "Twenty-all done." Then immediately remove your child from the activity (or the activity from the child).

Here's why it works.

First, you're talking with your child. Your voice is soothing, and children listen to us (even when we don't think they do). Second, you're using repetition. I always repeat, "twenty-all done" to reinforce the message. Third, you're using easy concepts. You're not saying, "You need to stop playing soon," or, "You need to stop playing in one minute." The concept of "soon" and "one minute" are far beyond their understanding. The simple phrase "all done" is right on their level. And telling them what event, will trigger "all done" (i.e., reaching the number 20) makes things clear.

At first your child may still have meltdowns when you take away the activity. But after a while, you should notice that she becomes a bit calmer each time. She knows what to expect. You're not just snatching her away from her blocks with no warning.

My daughter began getting so used to the technique that she would stop when I got to 19 or 18. Now that she's two-and-a-half, she pretty much stops at 1.

Another bonus? My daughter could count to twenty very early.

I recently tried this technique on a child I didn't even know, who was about 12 months old. She started to scream when she had to say goodbye to my daughter. I told her that she would have to say goodbye when I counted to twenty. Amazingly, the little girl was visibly calming down as I counted, and only made a quick little cry when I said, "all done." Her father was shocked.

When should you use the technique?

Count to twenty when it's almost time to go, when it's time to swallow food, when you're about to administer medicine, when it's time to put on pajamas, when she's getting her teeth brushed, when she's getting her diaper changed, and so much more. Sometimes I count to just ten, or sometimes I count to twenty pretty quickly. Try it. It really works.