Discovering the Sybian: Shopping for Sex Toys with My Wife

Like a lot of folks, I like to stretch my writing muscles and tackle different subjects. You need to get out of your "comfort zone" every now and then. Such was the case when the category of "sex toys" jumped out at me on the Associated Content "Hot Topics List".

I thought - "well, THERE'S something you don't generally write about…" I plugged the topic into a search engine, hit "go" and came up with about 5,000 pages of products. My jaw dropped. Apparently latex, rubber and AA batteries have become the surrogate parents to good 'ol cuddling, kissing and the mating call of the spotted owl. At any rate, I figured I needed a subject-matter-expert so I called over my wife. "Honey…I'm writing an article on sex toys. So take a look at some of this stuff and tell me what jumps out at you." I also added that there's a good chance we'd have to try some of this out…you know…in the name of balanced journalism.

She gave me that look of hers that I know all too well. Then pulled up a chair.

We then sat down side-by-side in front of the monitor and toggled through page after page of sex toys. We looked at several kinds of lotions, oils and glow-in-the-dark condoms. Lots of whips and high-heels. Endless "How To" DVDs and books. And probably about 20 different types of vibrators. I was especially impressed with one vibrator that had the small head of a bulldog attached to the end of it. When you turn it on the bulldog's mouth opens and closes and it BARKS. I mumbled out of the corner of my mouth, "…I'd like to get you one of these for Christmas….and another for your mother…"

My wife gave me that look again.

All the while, I'm thinking to myself that this is a most excellent thing: Looking at turbo-charged vibrators and other sex toys with my wife. If we can do this after 20 years of marriage than by gosh, I'm stoked for what the next 20 years can bring.

Suddenly my spouse blurted out, "That is it!"….I found it! And it was then that I saw the "Sybian". Somewhere off in the background; the opening strains of 2001: A Space Odyssey started playing. The lights in the room dimmed and we gazed at this…large object. For a second I had a flashback of the film "Urban Cowboy" when Debra Winger was riding the mechanical bull. Only this thing had no horns.

The Sybian: kind of like a small foot-stool with a vibrator attached to it. There were an incredible 1,510,00 pages dedicated to this baby. My wife scrolled down, looked at the photo's and testimonials and read aloud. "…From the inception of the first prototype to marketing the present product took three years. Literally thousands of alterations and refinements took place, some extremely minor and some very radical. Many were dictated by mechanical necessity but many were the result of personally testing the machine on many women and observing their reactions closely and trying to perfect a machine to absolutely maximize a woman's sexual pleasure. After years of manufacturing and marketing the Sybian, the company is overwhelmed by the enthusiastic response of new owners, and has received many incredibly heartwarming stories…"

Heartwarming? I'm not sure if that's the word that first came to me when I looked at the photo's of these women with their arched backs and contorted "o-faces". There were several links attached so we could see a demo video clip. "Um…I think we're gonna need to watch a few of these…I can't write about this thing if I don't understand how it works..."

It sure wasn't rocket science. If a dog is man's best friend, then certainly the Sybian is a woman's. My favorite video clip was lifted from the Howard Stern Show. Now that Howard has been booted off every commercial radio and television station in North America he has found solace in the privacy of the web or someone's garage or where ever the heck he broadcasts from these days. That means that Howard can invite pornstars and anyone else who wants to be on his show, and no one can do a damn thing. I'm sure this is not news to many of you readers out there, but apparently the Sybian is a regular guest star on Howard's show. He invites famous women (like Carmen Electra and Jenna Jameson) to hunker down on this thing while his floor director runs the hand-operated speed control and experience the pleasure of being pleasured.

Amazing….fascinating. My wife and I looked on. All this squealing and squirming and for the low, low price of $1,395.00. is it a sex toy or a mortgage payment?

"She looks like she's having fun…" giggled my wife. "Heck, …I can save you a thousand bucks by getting down on all fours" was my reply. "…Just balance a lamp on my back and I'm ready whenever you need me….." Her answer: "I don't think you can change speeds like this thing does".

We looked at few other video clips. All these women having orgasms thanks to riding the Sybian. Just wait until their get their utilities bill. I felt exhausted. I'd have probably smoked a cigarette if there was one available. Added my wife, "It says here there's a 45 day trial period. And if you're not completely satisfied you get your money back, minus a $125.00 "refurbishing" fee."

At those prices I don't know if we'll ever order one. Maybe we'll just settle for an adult DVD rental instead. or maybe not.

The Sybian. Just another of the many reasons why America is the greatest country in the world.