Dissociative Identity Disorder: Living One Life is Hard, but Living Two Lives is Scary

I wake up in a strange place with surroundings that are unfamiliar to me. There is a man lying next to me I do not now, nor do I even remember how I got here or anything about last night. In fact, my last memory is me in my Jeep driving to Wally World (Wal-Mart) to get some laundry detergent.

Oh no, the guy next to me moves around and grumbles something. I know he is fixing to wakeup. What do I do? Should I get up and just leave? I put my head in my hands in frustration, because I cannot remember what has happen. I decide to get up and leave but as I start to leave the guy next to me wakes up, reaches out and grabs my arm.

"Where you going darlin?" he ask as I turn and look into his big brown eyes.

"Um, who are you, and how did I get here?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"Well I am Ronnie and you rode here to my house in my truck last night from Big Daddy's Bar and Grill." he states with a grin.

"Big Daddy's Bar and Grill? Where exactly is this Big Daddy's Bar and Grill at?"

"Down on Main Street.

" Main Street?" I do not remember there ever being a Big Daddy's Bar and Grill on main street and I have lived here all me life."

"Well sugar Big Daddy's Bar and Grill has always been on Main Street ever since I was born, and babe according to what you've told me you were born and raised in Arkansas."

"Yes that is true, why?"

"Well you ain't in Arkansas no more, you're in Tulsa Oklahoma."

"Oklahoma!!! What in the hell do you mean I am in Oklahoma and how long have I been here and what in the hell am I doing in your bed?" I screamed as my heart started racing and wild thoughts ran through my mind. Oh God not again, please NO not again!!!

Waking up not knowing where you are at or how you got there is one of the most chilling and scariest experiences you could ever have. Most people have experienced driving a long distance, like down the interstate or highway, and you're at exit 118 just cruising along, and the next thing you know you are at exit 153, and you cannot exactly recall the last 30 miles or so. Having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is kind of like not remembering that last 30 miles you just drove, but a little more intense. Your memory gaps can be from a few hours to days to even weeks.

I was 28 years old when I first was diagnosed with DID. I had just lost my father, whom I was very close to. I have suffered with Manic Bipolar Disorder from birth, but having DID is a lot scarier. Anyway, after my father past away I started to loose just bits of time, like being in the kitchen around noon cleaning, and my next conscious memory I am watching TV and it is dark outside. I just blamed it on stress and put it in the back of my mind. Then I started to forget whole days, like it would Monday and the next day when I thought it was Tuesday I would find out that it was really Wednesday. This really started to freak me out so I called my shrink and got an appointment. After going through some test and a bunch of talking he diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder. He explained to me that due to current stresses that were inflicting with my past stresses it was causing my conscious brain to overload and go in "sleep mode", and that aloud my subconscious brain to take over. He explained that when people have had "bad things" happen to them that they have not dealt with or could not deal with at that time, their mind puts those memories of it in their subconscious brain in order to survive the "bad things" that happen. So it's kind of like your subconscious brain is a filing cabinet to store things in, and forget about them for a while.

Well the next thing he said to do was to find a doctor or facility that specialized in DID and get me there for treatment, because until I dealt with the 'bad things" stored away in my subconscious brain I would continue to "loose time". Unfortunately for me there was no known specialist in Arkansas, so I was sent home with the instructions of taking it easy until he could find a place for me to get the proper help.

Yeah right, I was suppose to take it easy. I have this DID because I am stressed out and now that I know I have this DID and that is causes me to loose time you do not think that stressed me out even more. Well I took precautions and just did not leave my house unless it was absolutely necessary. I made excesses to my mom and friends about not coming over. I could not tell her about this DID. I mean she just lost dad and she did not need to worry about this or me. My shrink called me about a week and half later from our appointment with some good news and some bad news. Good news he found a facility that had just taken on a doctor here in Arkansas that specialized in DID, but the bad news is all their beds were full and I would have to wait 30 days. Just great, I thought, how in the hell am I going to survive the next 30 days? And what about my mom and friends, I mean can't keep finding believable excesses to come up with.

Well I did not have to wait those 30 days, because the very next weekend was a weekend I will never forget. Or at least not forget what I was told since I could not remember it to begin with. Like I said I needed laundry detergent so I got in my jeep and headed for Wal-Mart. But I never made it. According to this Ronnie guy he went to Big Daddy's Bar and Grill Friday night, and that is when he saw me. He came over to my table and asked if he could join me? He said I was a little feisty when I told him I was not interested in his company. Well he said he just took that as a challenge. He said as the night went on he watched me, because he had this deep attraction to me that he could not explain. He told me that yeah it was lust to some degree but on a whole other level he had this uncontrollable urge to have me in his life. So he said he came back to Big Daddy's Bar and Grill on Saturday night and I was there again, as he hoped. This time he approached me and asked me for a dance and I said yes. He told me that my answer surprised him, but he was excited that I had said yes. According to Ronnie we danced the night away, and the whole next week as well. He said that I spent that whole week with him at his place, but I insisted on having my own room with a lock on the door. A week from that Saturday we got married. That night on our honeymoon he prepared a dinner that he served by candlelight and we ate and then we went and danced at our place, Big Daddy's Bar and Grill, and then we went home. But when it was time to consummate the marriage he said I freaked out and slapped him and ran to my room and locked the door. He told me he could hear my sobs through the door, as he knocked on it pleading to let him in. Finally after about an hour he said I opened the door and he took me by the hands and looked me in the eyes and asked me if he could just hold me if he gave his solemn promise he would not try nothing else. According to him I agreed to this.

Well you know what happen next. I woke up the next morning in my conscious brain and did not remember anything except for I was going to Wal-Mart to get some laundry detergent and I wake up married to this 6 foot Indian I did not know. I remember trying to keep from vomiting as Ronnie told me all this. When he was done I asked to use his phone. He told me I could, and at the same time he told me that if I was having second thoughts about our marriage I could just tell him truth instead of making up a story about me having no memory of this past week. I looked up at him as I dialed my shrink's home number and I promised him I was not making any of this up.

Ronnie was kind enough to make sure I returned to Arkansas safely, I really think he just wanted to see if I really did have a shrink and a memory problem. My shrink told me to come back to Arkansas to the hospital and he would meet me there. By the time I got there my shrink already had me a bed at Living Hope Institute in Little Rock, Arkansas. I guess when you spend a week with someone and then marry them and you have memory what so ever of this then they make room for you.

Ronnie and I got an annulment but we stayed friends. I was in Living Hope for 30 days and I underwent hypnosis therapy to bring out the secrets from deep with in my subconscious memory. All the horrible things that I thought I remembered all the details about was nothing compared to the actual truths and details of what really happened to me. The doctor's at this Institute told me that they did not know how I survived with those gruesome memories in my subconscious brain for all those years. I should have had DID episodes way before now.

I finished my therapy and I do remember all the dark secrets of my past. I had to deal with these for the next two years in therapy with my shrink, but at least I remember...........

According to WebMD Dissociative identity disorder (DID), formerly called multiple personality disorder, is one of a group of conditions called dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders are mental illnesses that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, symptoms can result. These symptoms can interfere with a person's general functioning, including social activities, work functions and relationships. Dissociation is a key feature of dissociative disorders. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that a person uses to disconnect from a stressful or traumatic situation or to separate traumatic memories from normal awareness. It is a way for a person to break the connection between the self and the outside world, as well as to distance oneself from the awareness of what is occurring. Dissociation can serve as a defense mechanism against the physical and emotional pain of a traumatic or stressful experience. By dissociating painful memories from everyday thought processes, a person can use dissociation to maintain a relatively healthy level of functioning, as though the trauma had not occurred. What Causes DID? It is generally accepted that DID results from extreme and repeated trauma that occurs during important periods of development during childhood. The trauma often involves severe emotional, physical or sexual abuse, but also might be linked to a natural disaster or war. An important early loss, such as the loss of a parent, also might be a factor in the development of DID. How Is DID Treated? The goals of treatment for DID are to relieve symptoms, to ensure the safety of the individual, and to "reconnect" the different identities into one well-functioning identity. Treatment also aims to help the person safely express and process painful memories, develop new coping and life skills, restore functioning, and improve relationships. The best treatment approach depends on the individual and the severity of his or her symptoms. Treatment is likely to include some combination of the following methods: Psychotherapy: This kind of therapy for mental and emotional disorders uses psychological techniques designed to encourage communication of conflicts and insight into problems. Cognitive therapy: This type of therapy focuses on changing dysfunctional thinking patterns. Medication: There is no medication to treat the dissociative disorders themselves. However, a person with a dissociative disorder who also suffers from depression or anxiety might benefit from treatment with a medication such as an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medicine. Family therapy: This kind of therapy helps to educate the family about the disorder and its causes, as well as to help family members recognize symptoms of a recurrence. Creative therapies (art therapy, music therapy): These therapies allow the patient to explore and express his or her thoughts and feelings in a safe and creative way. Clinical hypnosis: This is a treatment technique that uses intense relaxation, concentration and focused attention to achieve an altered state of consciousness or awareness, allowing people to explore thoughts, feelings and memories they might have hidden from their conscious minds. (The Cleveland Clinic Department of Psychiatry and Psychology.)

So if you suffer from DID please know there is help out there, and that you are not alone. If you know someone with DID or suspect they may have it please help them seek professional help. I know how scary it is to have DID, but I also know that there is a fulfilled and happy life after DID, with the proper treatment.