Ditch 'Em Test: Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Have you ever dated a person that everyone disapproved of ? Do you often find that family and friends are constantly saying things like, "Leave him alone, "You deserve better, or "there is something about him that I don't trust?" Instead of brushing these nagging comments off, shift your attention to their perspective, maybe they see something about the person that you don't see, or maybe they know something that they can not tell you. It's best for you to push that strong feeling of love to the side and listen to what family and friends are saying

Many women are living double lives, one is the life that they let others see, and the other is the one that they conceal and are afraid to live. These women live day to day in abusive relationships, some get abused with harsh words, others get abused with fists, and some women get abused in both ways. Many of us think that abusive relationships are only physical, but emotional and verbal abuse are abusive relationships as well. Spectators easily say to abused women" leave, why don't you just leave?" What they don't know is that it is not always that easy to just up and leave. Some women deny that they are in abusive relationships, and others are so afraid that they don't know how to get out of one. The women that deny that they are in abusive relationships often tell themselves that their mate loves them, they cling onto their mate because they have been told countless numbers of times that they are worthless, and that no other man would ever want them, the belief of worthlessness and the image of unattractiveness have been stored inside of their minds by lovers that wanted to demolish their confidence, security, and strength. Some of the women that deny their abusive relationships also feel they have to stay for financial necessity or for the kids. There are numerous reasons why women stay. The women that are too afraid to leave the relationship have been treated dreadfully; they are heavily scarred internally and externally by their mates. Their most prominent frame of mind is survival.

I have seen young women and older women loose themselves completely to an abusive mate. Every woman should own and control their own life, and love should not have to feel like punishment and fear. Abusive mates often hide their dark tendencies until the relationship gets serious. Some of them slowly start to abuse their loved ones, and at times the overprotection that some women think is sexy can be the beginnings of an abuser. I have conducted the ditch 'em test to determine if you're in an abusive relationship.

Check off all that applies to your mate.

1. Emotionally Abusive (insults you makes you feel irrelevant , does anything that brings you mental pain)

2. Has fluctuating moods, one minute your partner is up the next your partner is down

3. Controls money, what you wear, who your friends are or where you go

4. Very jealous, wants to be with you even when you need lone time with your family and friends.

5. Physically Violent (hits, pushes, shoves, kicks you, punches you, pinches you, slaps you....) He does anything that brings you physical pain.

6. Threatens to hurt you or himself ,

7. Threatens to hurt you, himself, your children, or loved ones if you leave

Check off anything that describes you;

1. You are terrified of your mate

2. You are afraid that your partner will explode at any given minute

3. You can not share your views or express your self

4. You change your whole life to satisfy the needs of your partner, and to especially prevent your partner from becoming angered.

5. You find yourself so nervous around your partner that you get sick

If you checked off two or more of these you are most likely in an abusive relationship and you need to ditch em'!

Abuse whether emotional or physical is a serious matter, and if you find that you are in an abusive relationship than it's very important to get out. Getting out may seem like an idea that is far- fetched to many abused women. It is important to know that the person who is abusing you is not going to change over night and that you can't change them, this person will have to go through series of counseling, and groups-, to get the help that they need and even that may not completely heal them. There is no reason or excuse as to why a woman should stay in an abusive. If you feel that you (and or children) are in serious danger get as far away from the abuser as you can, if you can't call your local police, and remember that you can place a protective order on the abuser to protect you and your children. Don't go back to a person who abuses you for any reason. Not even for the reasons below;

• Survival; you may feel that you and your children need your mate's protection; Abusive relationships can often lead to the demise of the abused and the children. So it is best to leave the relationship and place yourself around people who truly love you like family, friends, or groups, or in shelters for abused woman (and children.) where they offer certain assistance.

· Economic Dependence; this reason for staying is very prominent for women who have children. Alternatives include transitional assistance and organizations that specialize in helping abused woman and children.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE) TTY: 1-800-787-3224 have "advocates who provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services."

· Fear; you may feel that you are ill-prepared to handle all duties alone including taking care of the children, and the home. It's better to feel a bit overwhelmed than go back with the abuser and place yourself and children in harm's way of the abuser, regardless if the abuser is not abusing your child, the child will feel the affects of an abusive relationship between parents. If you feel as though you can not handle the children by yourself, look in to finding a credible daycare that can watch your children for a few hours a week, or ask relatives or friends to take them off of your hands for a bit. If you feel that you can not handle the duties of caring for the home by yourself, see if relatives, or friends can help, and if they can't then it is important for you to take small steps at a time, and if you feel too overwhelmed with the kids, and keeping house, try and seek for childcare so that you have some time to handle business.

· Parenting; Many women feel as though that they want a father figure in their child's life, and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as the other parent is not abusive towards the child (physically, and mentally,) of course children will benefit form having two parents in their life if it is possible. If you have full custody of your children and feel as though you want to continue a relationship between father and children that can be established with legal visitations with your court. Please be careful when deciding these visitations because you do not want to place yourself in a position where you can get hurt and attacked by the abuser, and if you do not feel safe with your children around the other parent, heed your gut's feeling and keep them with you. You can have a restraining order on the other parent and have the option of putting your child/ children on that protective order, if you choose not to put your children on the order than vitiations can be established between father and child, and if you feel too unsafe to pick- up and drop off your child, it is possible for you to assign a third party to greet the other parent to pick up and drop off the child. This is a tough decision to make, but you must go with your gut instinct if you feel that the other parent will harm your children. Don't ever feel guilty about protecting your children from the abusive other parent, because you are doing your job as a parent and protecting them from danger. If you opt to put your children on the order, because you feel the other parent will harm them, don't look at the situation as you depriving your child of the other parent's love .., because abuse is not love, attention, or support, children are both valuable and vulnerable and need to be protected by the ones who love and can properly care for them.

· Religion, some women may be heavily religious and have disapproving views towards separation. Again you must look at the situation you are in, and the pain, and abuse that is being put on you, no woman should have to be put in a position like that, if you have children who are being abused as well than that's even more of a problem. Many women are intent on sticking by their religion, but I will say get out, and ditch em'!

· Extended Family Pressure- these are the spectators that don't want to see your lovely family split, most of the times they are unaware of any abuse going on, and sometimes they are. If you have not told your family about being abused then I suggest you do, it's important to let others know your living conditions especially if they pose a threat to you, and or children. It is likely that your family will change their attitudes towards your separation if they know that you and/or your children are being abused. Don't stay in an abusive relationship to satisfy your extended family's expectations; their expectations are not worth the abuse you (and child) go through.

· Loyalty- some women feel a strong sense of obligation to stay with their partner, even women that are not married to the abuser. In this situation, women must ask themselves; does your partner really love you? Will he remain loyal to you for love's sake or to demolish your sense of security, confidence, and pride? Women must stay loyal to partners that respect, love, and support them not abuse them. Sticking with someone who abuses you is like handing them your life and telling them do what you want to it, you should enjoy and own your life and ditch 'em.

· Rescue- As I mentioned earlier some women feel as though they can help heal their partner, that they alone can change their partner's abusive tendencies. The truth is you solely can not change the abuser. The abuser has to want to change, and this change includes commitment to counseling and groups, this process is long and it doesn't always work. Don't stay with an abuser in hopes of rescuing him, if you do you will end up in years and years of pain both physical and mental and then you will have to be rescued.

· Fear Of His Suicide- Some abusers deceive their partners into believing they will harm themselves to make the abused stay and others will actually harm themselves. In this situation I will suggest for you to think mainly of yourself you are priority, you are being abused, a relationship like this is very unhealthy, and the abuser could eventually try to harm if not kill the both of you. You need to remember that you can not rescue this person, you need to rescue your own self, you need to get out of this relationship quickly and notify officials of your partner's suicidal behavior. There have been incidents when an abused person has left an abusive relationship, and the abuser has killed himself leaving the abused person to either feel deep regret for leaving, or overjoyed with relief from an abusive relationship. There have also been many cases of the abuser killing the abused and the children and even the extended family. While this is a touchy subject, you must remember that you are being abused you (or your children) are being hurt, and you need to take care of your self, (or children) and get far, very far away from the abuser.

• Denial- this stems from a woman's lack of security, fear, and or low self-esteem. If you are being hurt physically or mentally you should not overlook this, this is bad, very, very bad. You need to bring yourself to say, "I am being hurt, I deserve better, and I need to leave, I need to protect myself, I need to leave." Literally say this to yourself while you are alone, everyday, for as long as you need to to build up your confidence. You need to view yourself as a human being, you must love yourself, do not believe that if you leave this relationship that no one will love you. What you don't know is that there are plenty of men who will find you attractive and will treat you with the utmost respect and love that you deserve. Once you leave this relationship and feel that you are ready to date again don't settle for someone who will abuse you, and if they disguise their abusive behavior, once you first notice it get out and leave. There are plenty, plenty men who will love you better than the last. You are beautiful, you deserve much better- remember this.

· Love- you may feel as though your partner really loves you and has bad days once in awhile. The love that your partner has for you may be real but it still is no reason for you to be abused and feel obligated to stay. Love should not consist of physical and mental abuse. Of course couples argue and say bitter things but this is minimal and normal compared to frequent abuse or compared to being physically abused. If you are being abused consistently then you must get out. In cases where the abuser has insulted you once in the heat of an argument and never again, or at least not frequently then it may be possible to attend counseling together and work the relationship out, but if you fear your partner then you must get out.

• Identity or fear of being lonely- you may feel as though you need a man to make you feel whole or to prevent you from feeling lonely. It's okay to need someone to love you and make you feel whole but that somebody should not just be anybody. In other words don't let an abusive person fill that space for you, give this space to someone really important to you since it's an honor to grant someone this position to love you and make you feel whole.

· Shame, embarrassment, and humiliation- Being abused may make you feel very ashamed so much to the point that you don't want anyone to know about your situation. Women who feel shame, embarrassment, or humiliation often conceal their troubled lives and mask their pain. You should never feel ashamed to tell anyone that you are being hurt don't be embarrassed because you are (a grown woman)in this position, this is not your fault, if anything, the abuser should be feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated for being so heartless and dense to cause you pain. Expose the truth; let everyone know about your abuser. If you feel very embarrassed think of it as you preventing other women who may later on date the abuser, your courageousness can not only inspire but protect many. This abuser deserves to be punished by the law because abuse is a crime. You should not be embarrassed to reveal to someone that you are being hurt, get the help that you need, many reach out to abused women

· Sex Role- Don't believe that men are supposed to act that way that it's in their nature because it is not. Being abusive is not natural for any human, male or female. Don't brush abuse off because of a sex role instead pick up and leave and find a man who is the opposite of the abuser.

The source that I have used for the "reason's why women stay in abusive relationships" is,

1.http://www.eap.partners.org/WorkLife/Domestic_Abuse/Why_do_Women_stay/Why_do_Women_stay_in_Abusive_Relationships.asp?nav=leftnavigation3

All information on the National Domestic Violence Hotline has been provided from;

2. http://www.ndvh.org/