Divorce Affects All Relationships

Going through a divorce was difficult, but over time, the process strengthened my relationships with many friends. As others ended marriages and other relationships, I found my role transforming from a whispered-about young divorcee to a source of advice and comfort for troubled friends.

Secret keeper

The 'shame' of my failed relationship was a very public thing (everyone knows when you're getting a divorce, especially if you move away from your ex or post the end of the relationship on Facebook). As a result, friends and acquaintances began to see me as fallible, flawed and possibly more like them.

For a few years following my divorce, I didn't really want that sympathy. Over time, however, many people felt as though I had willingly provided them with secret details of my life due to the public information that they knew.

This encouraged several acquaintances to confide in me. Friends experiencing relationship troubles, breakups and divorces especially started seeking advice from me.

I had planned to leave my ex-husband more than a week before I did. By my final week, everyone at my place of employment knew that I was moving and had transferred, but none of them leaked this secret. This was especially important as I feared for my emotional and physical safety.

Those who know this detail of my 'divorce story' believe me when I tell them that I won't repeat any details of their personal lives.

Advice giver

I'm thankfully divorced and happily remarried. As a result, I'm often asked for advice, especially when friends are contemplating ending relationships or taking their relationships to the next emotional level. I'm very comfortable in this role, and find that this level of trust strengthens many of my friendships.

No embarrassment

When I married my first husband, I was embarrassed to get lingerie as a gift at my bridal shower. I laughed quietly at jokes about sex, but usually didn't talk about that topic on my own unless I was among very close friends.

Post-divorce life is really different. I quickly learned that if I didn't approach the topics of sex and relationship more openly, I would not get respect.

This occurred as more of my friends ended relationships, became pregnant and got divorces. In the world of social media and Facebook relationship status changes, my 'young divorce' made me a pioneer among many of my friends. Everyone knew I wasn't going to let anyone take advantage of me in the future.

As a writer, I now focus on dating and relationships topics from a candid perspective in hopes of helping others.

Overall, I became more assertive and outgoing; this is a positive personality shift for me.

Beware the toxic friend

Though my divorce changed many of my friendships, some friends strayed away from me following the divorce. I also had to distance myself from the following types of friends:

• The toxic friend: She could only focus on the divorce and negativity. I tried asking her to stop, but eventually I had to 'break up' with her via handwritten letter.
  
• My ex's friends: When a breakup happens, let's face it: partners usually get custody of their respective friends. Though I treasured most of the friends I'd met through my ex, they had to go to him in the divorce.
  
• The zealots: I had a few spiritually observant friends who told me that divorce was flat out wrong and a poor alternative to emotional abuse and financial hardship.
  

Initially, I didn't realize that every single relationship in my life would change when I decided to get a divorce. While it was hard not to focus on the negative impacts at first, I'm grateful for having rekindled friendships with friends from the past and for developing new friendships since moving on with my life.