Divorce Attorneys: Helping or Hindering?

You've heard of an "uncontested divorce," but how many times have you actually heard from anyone who has experienced such a divorce? It's been my experience that once a divorce attorney becomes a part of the divorce process it won't be long before you find yourself in an adversarial relationship with your soon to be ex spouse.

Let's face it, we live in an adversarial society, one that promotes the notion that whenever there is a conflict sides have to be taken. That means one side ending up on top, the other side ending up on the bottom. This article will hopefully help you keep from ending up on the bottom by explaining to you how to protect yourself.

Divorce attorneys have been taught that the best way to protect their client is to fight for them. When they look at a divorce situation all they can see is the conflict that is involved between the spouses. To the divorce attorney the obvious conclusion is that a fight has to be engaged in, in order to protect their client. If they could step back and take another look at the situation they might be able to see that the conflict and animosity is of their own creation. Most divorce warfare is created by the attorney's adversarial nature and we, as clients, play a role in it because it is what we expect and demand from them.

If you have been involved in the Family Court system you will know exactly what I mean. It seems that, as a culture we have gotten to the point that we are blind to the pain and suffering that is created by such an adversarial environment. We are blind to the damage it does to relationships, our children and the well-being of everyone involved.

Wouldn't a better solution be to take the focus off of doing battle and put it toward finding solutions that work for all involved? Isn't it far more important to be a peacemaker than to end up an adversarial relationship with your soon to be ex spouse?

If you can find an attorney who works toward ending adversarial relationships and furthering everyone's well-being then you have found one that is going to make a positive contribution to an already painful situation. Why is it that all divorce attorneys can't work at minimizing the conflict, resolving the issues and promoting the healing of relationships rather than further fracturing them? If you can find yourself a divorce attorney with that attitude then you will find yourself in a better place during a very painful time in your life.

In today's society this type of attorney is sorely needed. If you are going to go through a divorce, please try and find an attorney who looks for solutions instead of a fight. Unfortunately, there aren't very many of them out there. Fortunately, their numbers are growing rapidly. If you get lucky enough to find one, you will be in good hands. Usually, attorneys that do divorce mediation are more inclined to be less adversarial. Calling your local bar association and requesting a list of attorneys who also do mediation is a good idea.

If you can't find a non-adversarial divorce attorney then your best bet is to let him file your divorce petition and begin the waiting period. Get all the legal advice and information you can out of him/her. Find out what issues need to be solved and then go home and solve them by attempting to work one on one with your soon to be ex spouse. The thing you need to do is to stay out of the legal system as much as you can.

Working one on one with your soon to be ex spouse takes away some of the power that an adversarial attorney has. If you are able to come to an agreement that you are both satisfied with you can then take it back to the attorney. All you need him/her for is to review the agreement and do the necessary legal paper work.

If you are able to solve issues working one on one without input from the attorney the legal process will go quickly and with little or no conflict. If you let an adversarial, divorce attorney resolve the issues, you are asking for trouble. Your case can go on forever and cost a fortune in legal fees, not to mention to emotional cost to all involved.

If you have found yourself already in the legal process and tensions are high and money is being spent needlessly, it is never too late to turn things around.

Attorneys who promote adversarial divorce will advise their clients to not communicate with each other. They will advise their clients to not agree to anything without first talking to their attorney. They will stir the pot in anyway they can because the longer the fight goes on the more money that attorney will be making.

If you have found yourself dealing with an attorney like this, your best bet is to get in communication with your soon to be ex spouse. Get the relationship cleaned up and mended to the point that you are both taking responsibility for the mess and then start working together to resolve the issues and come up with a mutually satisfying agreement.

If your attorney makes doing this difficult, if his or her feathers are messed up because you want to resolve conflict instead of promote it then fire that attorney. It's your divorce and your relationship with the person you have been married to, not his. Get that adversarial attorney out of the middle of it and you will be surprised how much easier it will be to come to an agreement.

There are times when you truly need an attorney who is willing to stand up for your best interest. If the other party in the divorce is being dishonest or uncooperative then an attorney who knows how to protect your interests is needed. If this happens make sure to find an attorney who is willing to take care of you and your position in the divorce and not one who will step in and make the conflict worse than it already is.

Here is the thing; you have two people going through a divorce. No matter whose choice it was there is probably pain and anger involved on both sides. If you hire an attorney that is going to become aggressive and go on the attack, guess who will get the blame. You will, not the attorney who enjoys being adversarial but you. He may be the person to take the negative action but you will be the one to suffer the consequences of his or her actions.

Like it or not, you are responsible for your attorney's actions. You did the hiring and you will be paying the large fees. It's in everyone's best interest that you make sure you attorney knows that his or her job is to promote relationships instead of destroy them. It is his or her job to find solutions that mean everyone walks away satisfied and no one is left on the bottom of the pile wondering what the hell happened. Express to him or her that you want your interest protected without causing harm to the other person. Don't forget, your attorney works for you, you don't work for him or her and if there is not a willingness to work with you in the way you feel most comfortable then find an attorney who is willing to.

Until we stop demanding that divorce attorneys are adversarial and on the attack then such a system will continue to cause the problems we witness in today's Family Court system. Most people seem more concerned with coming out on top than they do with doing what it right by all concerned. As a society we have to be able to let go of the desire to fight and get even.

We have to realize and start to utilize new opportunities. The opportunity to focus on creating peace and goodwill in a world that is full of marital discord and conflict. When more couples start taking advantage of the fact that divorce does not have to be adversarial, that they can remain good friends and go their separate ways at the same time, then a positive impact will be made on our Family Court system.