Divorce Court, Kids Caught in the Crossfire

If statistics are accurate, one in every two marriages will end in divorce. While that statistic is startling the broader impact has to be that a generation of children is growing up in homes littered with the waste of a relationship gone sour. Over the course of the last twenty years, marriage became as much as business partnership as a union between two people in love. While sometimes the love remained, the partnership sunk to unsalvageable levels creating a desperate need for a separation to occur. These irreconcilable differences have roots in many areas. But what matters most has nothing to do with how a couple got to the point of divorce what must be salvaged now is some form of relationship for the benefit of the kids who are caught in the middle of their parent's tug-of-war.

On the daytime soap opera The Young and the Restless an interesting storyline has emerged as Noah, the son of Nicholas and Sharon Newman has found himself in a dysfunctional storm with both of his parents marrying other people after a nasty, bitter divorce. In the middle of the infighting between Sharon and Nicholas Newman, lay an innocent child who was haunted by the same questions so many kids ask when their parents divorce and that is if it was him.

The muddied waters of divorce can leave both parents wounded and looking for revenge. In the case of Sharon and Nicholas, their storyline on The Young and the Restless was driven by the pain associated with losing their child, Cassie. Nicholas struggled with the guilt surrounding Cassie's death. In his sullen state, he isolated himself which created a rift between him and Sharon. By the time the saga was over, both of them had found themselves in the arms of someone else and the pain of the loss too much to overcome.

In a recent episode, Noah ran away from home as he grappled with emotions tied to loss. His dad had promised never to leave his mom and they divorced. Nicholas then promised never to leave Phyllis, his new wife, but after returning from an airplane crash and his memory gone, he was no longer in love with Phyllis, loss. And inside Noah's head, all that was left to lose was him. It may sound strange, but those that the thoughts and psyche of a child.

Children with all of their fire and zeal are still kids. Noah's episodes of depression and confusion are shared by any kid whose parents change the dynamics of the home. When one parent leaves, a child's first thought is one of self-blame. While it is obvious to the adult that the child had little to do with the divorce, in the child's eye, everything was good until they arrived. This loathing and guilt-trip happens time and time again amongst kids who try to reason why their parents are no longer together.

The primary reason why this occurs is because parents fail to take the time to invest in the truth with their kids. While a kid certainly cannot handle nor understand adultery or a change in commitment to the marriage, there are some basic things a child can be told that will equip them to handle divorce better. With both parents in attendance and an already agreed set of points to be made, parents can discuss with their child the reasons why they are divorcing. When a child sees that while the parents are no longer together but they are still united with him/her it releases some of the negative energy involved with the anxiety of divorce.

What a child needs to know is that outside of one parent moving to another home, very little else will be changing about their lives. Knowing that both parents will remain engaged in the child's life provides a soft landing for the child's raw emotions. Additionally, knowing that both parents are committed to getting along and being a family, albeit in a different form will assure the child that no other abrupt changes will be made.

A child cannot be exposed to the anguish and pent-up anger that is often the root of many divorces. While those emotions may well be there they are not for the child's viewing or interpretation. A child can discern the body language of a parent so both parents need to posture themselves in such a way that they communicate peace between the two, even if it is a mask for the benefit of the child.

Divorce has the potential to create more damage in the life of the child than in the hearts of the parents. With both of them moving on to brighter pastures it is the child who will live their lives in the center of the destruction of a marriage that did not work. Kids should never pay the price for a parent's mistake. The one way to avoid it is to make home a safe place for the child and to keep the foul aspects of divorce away from them.

Some time today, a husband will file for divorce from his wife and a wife will weep in pain as she seeks the counsel of a divorce attorney. They know what is to come for them. That part is easy. What is more difficult is creating a situation where their child is not caught in the crossfire of a battle between warring factions. Otherwise, that child will take up a cause of his own and the bloodshed, seen as behavioral and mood changes will not be pretty.