Divorce: Dealing with Dad and The Kids

Every other Friday night, my daughter and I wait. Silence punctuated by "What time is it?" or "He'll be here any minute." Awkwardness.

The actual divorce has only just begun; separation occurred a year ago. Child support has been revisited two times now. Both times initiated by him; not by me. Both times, he just wants to pay less and less.

He thinks it is me that he is hurting; and he tells our daughter that. At 9 years old, this poor girl is being forced to grow up too fast.

Most weekends when he has her, he drops her off at his parents house for the weekend. He wanted to get visitation one night a week, so he would pay less. And bright individual that he is, he brought up the topic and the reason with my parents.

If he actually wanted to do things with her, I would be all for it.

But every other Sunday night, comes the let-down. Grammy did this, Pop-pop took me here. But where's Daddy?

When he gets mad at her, he calls her my little spy. How can a child handle this?

Confusion reigns most days after and immediately before a visit. Questions abound from my daughter. "How can Daddy lie and get away with it?" she once asked after getting caught lying. A tough question to answer. But underneath the layers of hurt, loss and hurt, I know my daughter is thinking. And maybe for the first time in her life, she's starting to see the world clearly.

Months ago, he was asked if he would go halves to put her in ballet. About $80 each to get started (buying the outfits, shoes, etc) and then a mere $34 a month. But classes were on Friday nights two towns over. I guess is was two towns too far.

For the first several months, I was at a loss at how to help my daughter deal objectively, or at least as objectively as possible. While he treats her like an adult - in that she learns far more details about things than I feel a child should - I take the other tactic.

"You're a kid; be a kid. Let the adults handle it and don't worry." I don't have the time, desire, or energy to argue with him; neither should my daughter. That's not what it's supposed to be about.

When she comes home, if she feels like she's not getting attentions, she'll splurt out "Daddy said...." At that point, I stop her. "It doesn't matter what Daddy said. You're here, not at his house." Nothing to gain with stories going back and forth.

"Daddy says he still loves you." Ahh, guilt trip. My response, "Daddy needs to get on with his life."

The bribery tactics - a new toy each visit - has begun to wear off. The novelty of the TV in her room and watching whatever, whenever is fading too. No chores - well that's still a plus. But she's becoming aware of how superfluous that gesture really is.

Now my daughter visits with the school social worker. Now she has someone other than me, to share those Daddy says, Daddy has a secret, and all the other myriad of comments that this child is subjected to. I understand all too well what she's going through. I went through it with him for a decade; this is something I should have done 5 years earlier. Although perhaps, my daughter wouldn't be able to see things as clearly as she is starting to see them now.

My little girl is growing up - faster than I would like; exposed to some of the uglier things in life.
But at least I see this in time to still treasure the smaller moments: the butterflies, the little girl things. And I can hope that he sees.

May he wake up and see for himself the beautiful relationship with his daughter that he is letting slip through his fingers. For his sake as well as hers.