Divorce: What it Does to the Children

Well yes, obviously you will if your husband beats you or locks you in the shed at night. (You will divorce him won't you?) And you probably should divorce your wife if she shouts at you all day long and calls you a moron. It's also pretty impossible to stay with a partner who cheats repeatedly and demonstrates he or she couldn't care less about your wellbeing.

But the divorce rate is so high that there must also be plenty of couples who've got on well for years and then split over fairly minor issues, the clichéd "rocky patch" and/or because they took the first step into an affair and then got involved. Often it seems a husband or wife wants to divorce because after many years of marriage they're just not "in love" any more. The grass elsewhere might be greener.

But it also just might not be. What happens between two consenting adults or, in the last scenario, two consenting adults and a betrayed wife or husband, may not be anyone's business except their own. Unless - there are children involved. In which case your divorce is their broken family.

It's fashionable to say it's better to divorce than let the kids hear constant fighting. Which may be true. But it might also be worth considering staying together and behaving like decent parents? Why are the desires of a departing father so much more important than the needs of his children? Does a mother leaving the family home think she'll be so much happier five years down the line with the lover she hardly knows, her two sad kids in tow and his two angry kids visiting?

Here are three accounts of life after divorce from young people whose families broke up.

Jude, 32

My sister and I lived with my mother and her second husband. I was five, my sister was three when we started living in his house. As we grew up, we went to stay with our dad at weekends and for some years we spent three days a week there and four days at 'home'. There was always the weight of things unsaid. I always sensed it. I had vague memories of a turbulent atmosphere, of crying a lot. But the divorce was never discussed when we were growing up. I kind of assumed mum and dad fell out of love and divorced and then she met and married my step-father. I didn't mind my step-father but I was always aware he wasn't family and there was always a sort of pressure to pretend he was. Meanwhile, dad was on his own after the marriage ended. When I turned 30, I thought it all over and I asked my dad what the story of our family was. I'd been looking at pictures of the four of us when we were still a family - there were none at 'home' but dad had lots at his house. Looking through them it struck me we all looked so happy. Mum and dad had obviously been happily married both before and after we kids came along. So what had gone wrong in the marriage? He said I should ask my mother. I sensed he didn't want to say things that might cause trouble between me and her. But she was evasive and so finally I demanded dad talk to me. The story was this: she and dad were together for 14 years. When I was four, mum met this Belgian guy, my stepfather, and started an affair. For a year she went back and forth between his bed and dad's, breaking dad's heart as he struggled not to lose her. My step-father fought hard to get her and told my dad that he wanted to take his wife and his children. One day mum arrived with her lover, the pair of them grabbed me and my sister, and my step-father told my dad that he'd lost his family. Apparently my sister and I were both screaming and crying but I have no memory of that day. Finding out what my mother did was shattering. I confronted her and she acted guilty but angry too. She didn't want to face criticism. I see her in a completely different light now, as if she duped my sister and I all those years. She consciously smashed up her marriage and our family so she could be with her lover - she didn't care about me, my sister or dad. I see who she is now and who her husband is. Two selfish, self-obsessed people. I feel like I finally understand my own history, all the to-ing and fro-ing and missing dad and feeling unsettled. I don't like it and I've lost respect for my mother. My respect for my dad is greater though - he went through so much and was really dignified about it.

Kiera, 22

There were four of us, two boys, two girls. I'm the youngest. Dad and mum started arguing when I was about 10. Dad was having an affair and when I was 12 he left to be with this other woman and her kids. I didn't like them arguing all the time but it was just terrible when they split up. They both yelled and mum smashed a framed photo against the wall. Dad packed some clothes and mum threw stuff after him, out of the house, screaming. She went into a decline she couldn't get out of after the divorce. My sister and I lived with her; the boys went with dad. I didn't want to see my dad and I certainly didn't want to meet the woman and her kids. I felt that he'd betrayed me as well as mum. He chose another family, basically - chose another man's kids over his own. Mum took anti-depressants and drank too much wine. She cried a lot. It was frightening. My uncle said she should get over it but how do you? Being betrayed by the person you've given years to and had your children with is not something you brush off. It's overwheming. For her the divorce was a total betrayal. One weekend when I was 14 mum said she was going to see her brother. She left me and my sister at home. On the Sunday, a policeman and policewoman came to the house and said she'd died at a local hotel. I remember I said it wasn't possible - she was at her brother's house. We were in such shock. Dad came over and I screamed at him. It was too late for him to start caring what happened to her. After she killed herself, his relationship with the other woman broke up - just four months after. It was all such a wreck, so much wreckage for nothing. He had a stupid fling and mistook it for a great love. But it was nothing. He divorced my mother for nothing. The other woman divorced her husband and broke up her family up too. I guess her kids suffered. We kids were split between two houses. And, the biggest wreck of all, mum died. People act so casual about break-ups and 'moving on' - that's the people who betray their partners I think, who act like it's nothing. They probably wouldn't be unkind to a total stranger in the street - but they think nothing of causing total heartbreak to partners and children, often just so they can have sex with someone new.

Carla, 15

Dad left when I was 9. My sister was 5. He had a new girlfriend so he told mum he wasn't in love with her any more. They'd never argued or anything; he just liked the new girlfriend better. So we all stayed in the house and he left. They got a divorce. It was sad. The first Christmas mum made a real effort. The three of us got together and decorated the Christmas tree. It looked really good and mum switched the lights on. We all said "Yay, it's great" and we were smiling and then my little sister suddenly fell on the floor and started really sobbing, saying "I just want my daddy. I want daddy to be here." Then we were all crying. It just wasn't any good after he left us. As soon as he divorced mum, he married Anita. We went to stay with them one weekend and they just sprung this wedding on us. She'd bought dresses we had to wear. Mum was furious when we told her. She kept really together most of the time though. She's met Anita quite a few times and is OK with her. And she has a new boyfriend. She had quite a few but they never stayed around till this one. He's OK but no big deal. I spend most of my time with mum but quite often stay with dad and Anita. The thing is, he often has a bit of a go at her - he's quite grumpy - so I'm not sure he's even any happier after all the divorce and leaving home. And she wants a baby now, which he doesn't, and I don't want them to really. What's the point of him having new kids when he couldn't even be a proper father to the ones he already had? It would all have been much better if dad and mum had stayed together and hadn't divorced - things are too complicated. And the weird thing is he's really nice to mum when he sees her. My sister can't remember when we were a family but I can and it was better. I was at a friend's house the other week and her parents are still together. Her little brother was playing with a friend. Her dad walked through the room in a dressing gown and slippers and the little boy asked her brother "Who's that?" He said "my dad". The other kid looked a bit confused then said "Why does your dad live at your house?"
That's how normal it is to have divorced parents. And I think the adults get away with it by saying "Oh divorce is just normal now, divorce is nothing." But I just think it's too messy. The parents are too selfish and divorce screws the kids up.