Divorce: How to End the Animosity with an Ex

Divorce is seldom easy. Sometimes, even years after a divorce is finalized two people who once loved each other, appear now to be enemies. This animosity is not only stressful, but it can damage other relationships, and is confusing to the children, if there are any.

Whether a divorce is mutually agreed upon, or whether only one party wanted it, there are often deep, powerful emotions involved on both sides of the case. No one is immune to painful emotions. That's the bad news. The good news is, ending a pointless struggle is easier than many divorcees realize.

Divorce: How to end the animosity with an ex: Apologize.
Step one in ending the animosity between you and your ex is so simple, it's often overlooked: apologize. To apologize does not necessarily mean you're admitting guilt, yet, it does validate your ex's feelings about the divorce. Let them know you're sorry that it didn't work out, if that's all you have. If the divorce is your fault, own up to it.

Making such a statement will tell them you recognize both party's feelings, and that you also hurt over the divorce. Anger is just another expression of sadness. Acknowledging that emotion might be all that's needed to be done, and it just as well may not, but this is the best place to start. The first step is to apologize and acknowledge the sadness of your divorce.

Divorce: How to end the animosity with an ex: Stop returning fire
Step two is a little more challenging: Actively refuse to "return fire." How can anyone battle the enemy that is not there? No matter how hurtful the comment from an ex, rise above, and refuse to be drawn in. Whether the barbs are thrown directly from the ex, or are relayed through others, just do not meet like with like. Some may call this turning the other cheek. Others recognize this as passive resistance. Whatever the maneuver is called, it's difficult to fight with someone who refuses to fight.

Divorce: How to end the animosity with an ex: Wage peace instead!
Step number three takes a mature resolve: Show a little kindness. When the opportunity arises, demonstrate a little humanity. A simple birthday wish, or even treating their new partner with a little respect, will go far in healing the pain you both feel.

If you must, make yourself remember what it was about your ex, that you fell in love with, originally. They're not going to complain about you being decent to them. If they do, that becomes their problem, not yours! Engage in the same sort of behavior you'd like to see in them. Bury the hatchet, but not in each others' heads.

Divorce: How to end the animosity with an ex: More tips and pointers:
Be patient. This approach to ending the animosity within a divorce will take consistent, repeated effort. Expect a few hurtful replies with your first attempts.

Your ex's feelings are likely just as hurt as yours. Consider this if your efforts are met with continued hostility.

In refusing to respond to attacks, it often helps to count silently to five, in order to make yourself think about your reply before you make it.

Divorce: How to end the animosity with an ex: Some warnings. Take heed!
Never, under any circumstances, allow any other party to make negative or hurtful comments about your ex. These sorts of behaviors are usually still seen as an attack on your part.

Treating an ex-spouse badly will only make friends for them. You must tell third parties, even if they're family or close friends, to simply stay out of it. This will help protect you from those who like to "stir things up," and false supporters.

Be careful not to post any details online about your divorce. Even if a statement is true, it could come back to haunt you years down the road. If you need to vent about details of your divorce, do so in private, with someone you trust to keep silent.

These statements should not be considered legal advice. If legal help is what's needed, only a licensed, practicing attorney should be consulted.

Sources:
Personal experience, and
The Psychology of Divorce
Psychology Today '" May 22nd, 2008

Additional reading:
End a marriage ceremoniously
Collaborative divorce
100 tips to get you through a divorce
Ten Steps to Help You Win Custody Rights
Parental Alienation: Four Facts