Divorce: When the Friends Dump You at the Same Time as the Ex
An Unexpected Side Effect of Divorce is the Loss of Your Friends
An unexpected side effect of divorce is the loss of your friends. It feels like you lost custody of not just the spouse but the friends as well, though in reality the friends dump you both. Even those who have been friends for years, perhaps since childhood, will shun you for ridiculous reasons or perhaps no reason at all. The couples with whom you and your ex socialized in the past suddenly treat you like a leper, afraid that divorce is contagious and will spread to them, destroying their marriage as it did yours. It seems to come down to a game of, "Who gets the friends?" and no judge makes that call.
Married same-sex friends shy away so as not to give the impression that they are also single. The friend's spouse will either keep a wary eye on you, just in case you do something they can construe as you trying to lure their mate into spending time with you instead of them, or they may recognize an opportunity to offer you illicit comfort in order to get a little extra action on the sly. Those are the worst kind of creeps, looking for a chance to cash in on your pain under the guise of providing a shoulder when, in fact, what they are after is located somewhat lower in the anatomy.
A person finding him/herself divorced may react one of two ways: The "dumper" celebrates the newfound freedom or at least is comfortable with the demise of the marriage because they were the party calling the shots. The "dumpee's" life, that is, the person on the losing end of the split, goes into a rut. The two categories, "dumpers" and "dumpees," are at opposite ends of the spectrum: Dumpers are not seriously affected by losing the pre-divorce friends because they're satisfied to make new ones, never missing a beat regardless of the depth of friendship(s) lost.
On the other hand, the "dumpee," the one who is kicked to the curb, more often than not finds him/herself in a quandary. It hurts like mad when trusted pals no longer avail themselves to you the way they used to, such as for lunches or basketball games. Worse, they subtly let you know that, although you've been friends for awhile now, they just haven't got time to listen to your troubles and there's nothing they can do to help you anyway. Friends you thought would see you through thick and thin suddenly vanish, leaving you to face being single all alone. They don't return your email messages and never have time to chat. A divorcee with no friends is a lost soul indeed.
Eventually, after the shock of the breakup has worn off, the new reality sets in. Divorcees come to realize that there is life after divorce and that they will move forward without those old friends whether they like it or not. They will either pick up the pieces and trudge forward into single life making new "friends" as they go (which they will forever hold at arm's length, having lost trust in the concept of friendship) or, instead, will give up on having friends altogether, terminally jaded by the tragedy of divorce.
It's painful when your friends dump you at the same time as your ex does. If you know a divorcee, or your social circle includes a couple who are divorcing, take care not to alienate the one who considers you a friend. The way karma work, someday you may need to seek comfort instead of being able to provide it. Remember, you have to be a friend to have a friend.
Published by Julie Rae
I enjoy writing and have been told I have a knack for capturing the essence of others' thoughts on paper in my business writing. Someday I hope to write a book, maybe a collection of short essays. View profile
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12 Comments
Post a CommentHowever, if you there is a close friendship between you and your ex-spouse, then the friendship and mutual friends remain in tact!
I am still mourning the loss of my 30 year marriage, my business that I was forced to leave that I shared with my ex, and my friends that I thought were my friends. I left for many reasons. He was mentally abusive, his Mother lived in my home, he was the "boss" in our business that I helped him build. I tell you....I will NEVER forget the friends that I thought that I had, just because they didn't see what he did to me, does not mean it didn't happen. He's OK and moved on now has a replacement girl friend that he enjoys showing off. I hope he changes his ways or she will leave too!
I understand your loneliness completely. Even though I have a wonderful husband and great parents nearby, I still lonely to the core of my soul because I no longer have "girlfriends." One coworker is a confidant but it is not the same.... It is hard to figure out what to do when you do not know who to trust, are tired of getting hurt, and do not trust yourself on who is worthy of your friendship after so many hurts. Anom, I'm glad you got through the cancer and I hope that through the divorce you are only getting stronger. May you find wonderful peace and happiness SOON. I can't offer any advice because I have no idea how to get over the devastating hurt when people you believed were friends for life turn out to belong in the "other" category.
I am going through this now, except that I lost my first round of friends when I went through cancer, and then simply continued life with friends that came with my ex, who never wanted to do anything with me that would help me to meet new people. He didn't understand my lonely life post-cancer. Now a few years later, he and the people I've spent the last 12 years with have disappeared. Apparently, he had a new person ready and waiting already, and our friends knew about it and said nothing. I an at the stage of life where everyone I know already has their closest friends and their social circles outside of the office. I have no social life after work, and I don't know how to fix that. My work is pretty isolated. My divorce was a little more than 6 months ago, and I was hoping to get through all of this better. Terrible, sad, and lonely.
Yep. I had 3 friends who vacated the scene when my X ran away. One was a single woman who had always sought and received my support when I was in a couple. One turned out to have been trying to seduce my X. (And probably succeeded - who knows?) The third was my best friends for 30 years. Just don't get that. Another friend said she may be scared divorce is infectious or that her husband might start flirting with me. Sigh.
I have seen this happen all too often and I think it is one of the reasons we have increasing amounts of depression in society. Many people seem to be "fair weather friends" but all too often you don't realise it until it is too late and they are gone. Then again those of us who are good listeners often end up being therapist to the whole town, because there are so many people needing a shoulder to cry on, and so few with the patience to listen.
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I appreciate hearing that this is just something that happens. I am experiencing a second round of this. (The first round was a couple of years ago). Now the People that I thought were my true and closest friends have been disappearing. I am trying hard to move on, but I really thought of these people as family, especially since I don't get along with my blood relatives. Now, there's no spouse and no friends. They even excluded my 10 year old daughter! I
Trust me, the same loss of friends can go for the dumper.
It is truly sad when you lose your friends when you lose your spouse. It makes divorce just so much harder to deal with.