Divorce Involving Children 101: Are You Thinking of Them?

There is just no way around the fact that divorce is probably one of the worst things anyone will ever go through and there is no one involved who is not hurt in some way. This is especially the case when there are children involved. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they will without doubt, be forever changed by it. The goal is to make this be a change that has some good in it, even if only realized in the future. The largest hurdle to achieving this goal is that the parents are in a state of deep, raw emotions and this is not a state where logic and clear thinking is present in their minds. Each is hurt by the whole event and each is hell bent on making it clear to the other what they have done to cause the divorce.

As this is a deeply emotional time, it is all the more important to remember to focus on the children involved, rather than on the ex-partner. The children of divorce need both parents more than ever during this terrible change. When children are young but old enough to think about a bit more than their own small worlds, they need to be told often that this had nothing to do with them. It is the first thing they will think. As parents try to raise children by telling them how to behave and what is right and what is wrong, the children have developed a sense of everything they do will either please or displease their parents. It is natural for them to immediately think that they misbehaved and therefore caused the anger between their parents. This has to be talked about, and often to dispel this feeling. They need to be told and shown that they are loved by both parents.

Another usual affect of divorce is that because parents are angry at each other, they will often talk to the other parent though the children. This is natural and will occur, but has to be stopped as soon as possible. This will again just bring the children into the anger of the divorce and they will resist and become angered themselves. Children should never be told to "tell mom or dad that I don't care about so and so...". Everything, even scheduling events with the children, picking them up somewhere should be communicated directly though and between the parents. In cases where courts have barred parents from directly communicating, these discussions have to done through the specified parties. This is not to say that children of divorce should be totally out of communications. They need to know what is going on, in order to dispel fears and doubts.

One very common thing that parents do is treat children of divorce as if they were going to break. Parents are so afraid of hurting them, that they overcompensate by spoiling them. Parents need to remember to continue to set the best examples of behavior for them in their actions and words. The children still need normal discipline and love, in the same way that they would need in the family environment before the divorce.

As there is really no way to avoid the initial emotional issues at the beginning of parental separation and divorce, it is really crucial to try to talk as little as possible and just let the anger and hurt subside a bit. There really should be state guidance programs that the entire family attends. Some states have such programs but this needs to be in all states and although offered, it is usually not mandatory. The only thing to insure the best possible outcome of divorce with children is to have trained experts, who deal with all different divorce scenarios, to insure that parents understand and follow the best practices in handling their interactions and how they deal with and treat their children.