Divorce is like Death

Anyone who has ever been through a divorce knows how hard it can be. I met my ex-husband the summer before my senior year in high school. We dated for three years before he proposed. After a year of being engaged, we were married.

My ex-husband was already a minister when we married and we immediately assumed the role of youth pastors at our church. We reached out to many troubled teenagers, even taking some in to live with us.

When our ministry failed three years later, so did our marriage. We had built our whole lives around this youth ministry. When we resigned, there was no foundation for our marriage. It didn't take long until we were no longer sleeping in the same room and barely speaking.

The day before Thanksgiving , 1999 my ex-husband left me a message saying that he was leaving me. Although my gut told me this was coming, my heart didn't want to believe it. After about six months of being separated, I filed for divorce.

It was during this time that I came across an audio series on divorce by Fred Bennett, pastor of Christ the Rock Metro Church in Memphis, TN. I listened to these tapes hoping to find some peace about the situation that I was in. As I listened to Pastor Bennett talk, I learned a very valuable lesson. Divorce is like death. He talked about how in the Bible Ruth had lost her husband to war. And he went on to tell about how God gave her another husband, and used her to save a family.

I realized then that Pastor Bennett was right. It literally felt like the man I had married was dead. The relationship was dead. There was no life. In order to heal from the terrible pain I was feeling, I would have to mourn the death of this relationship.

I had already gone through two of the stages of grieving that, for me went hand in hand-denial and bargaining. I didn't want to believe that the marriage was over. I even bought he and his family Christmas presents right after he left me. I called him begging him to come back. Promising that I'd get help for my anger issues. Suggesting marriage counseling. Reading books on how to save your marriage even when the other person doesn't want to. I even attended his grandfather's funeral, not only to pay my respects, but also to see him again.

When I filed for the divorce I had advanced to the next stage of grieving-anger. How dare he walk out on me right before the holidays. How could he be so cold as to leave me a message telling me it was over? Wasn't he man enough to tell me face to face?

The next stages of grieving bombarded me at once-guilt and loneliness. If I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have left me. I feel so alone without him near me. I should have done more to save our marriage.

These feelings of guilt and loneliness eventually led to the next stage of grieving-depression. I didn't want anyone around me. I wished that I could die because losing this marriage hurt so badly.

Eventually, as the divorce became finalized, there came acceptance. Accepting that for whatever reason, this marriage had ended. There was no going back. There was no reconciliation to be found.

Then came the last stage of grieving-hope. Not long after my divorce became final, I met and married my current husband. He was like a breath of fresh air to me. It was like my life had started all over. Now, six years and three children later, my ex-husband and that marriage seems like a lifetime ago. I no longer grieve.