Divorce: Men in Those Quiet, Darker Moments

Prior to my own divorce and the journey which was to begin for me, a case had just recently occurred here in Northwestern Pennsylvania, of a man murdering his wife and her lover in a barn, during a liaison.

The basic rudeness of one person interrupting two lovers notwithstanding, there was also the matter of one person believing they somehow 'owned' another human to the point that they had a right to terminate their Life for the sake of mere jealousy, this bothered me quite a bit. Divorce was a much better option.

Having had business dealings with a small number of the victim's friends brought the tragedy 'home' to me so much more too. Like so many of these kinds of cases in the world's history, there was a background story to the situation involving abuse, neglect, and irreconcilable differences. Not that these two should've had a divorce...they should've never married!

There's always a background story, more than meets the eye at first, which is why I'm bringing up this awful memory of events prior to my own divorce.

I'd only, relatively recently, come to the point within my own evolution before my divorce, where it was finally understood that nobody on earth has a true right, to determine the life of another, nor even their 'feelings.' At the time of this "innocent" woman's murder (adultery doesn't warrant the death sentence...don't give a damn what any religion says) there was a pervasive disgust over a sizable portion of the local community and I was part of it.

So when She-Who-Was-To-Become-My-Ex told me of her desire to divorce, and the associated circumstances, I'll admit to a part of me wanting to exact revenge. I'll admit to the internalized rage, confusion, and coldest forms of fears. Divorce can do that to you. It's normal in a divorce.

They're perfectly acceptable emotions in the proper context. It was to be the decision to act on them I denied then, as now, and for tomorrow. I was not going to be 'that jealous husband.' I was intent on being the most silent of statistics when it came to our divorce. I'd rather be a throw-away Dad than to do something extra to regret forever because of a divorce.

Nothing was worth causing further damage to their little psyches than what the upcoming divorce was already doing. I didn't want to be the man who scarred their developing minds in such a way. So, when I've occasionally encountered those who think me 'shitty' for going as far, and as fast away, as I did, I've always let them say as they wish. I know what I was trying to protect by my departure with this divorce.

There was only one thing to protect them, and myself, and her, in this divorce. I knew I had to be so far away that, should I 'snap' and make a foolish decision, I'd have time to calm down a bit before I made it back to the area. I've never really understood why people laugh when I say this.

It's almost like they 'think' I'm joking. 'Must be the tension, their shocked limbic systems, and a loss of something else to say in response.

Ultimately the situation in my mind did find some semblance of stability. This is in largest part to those who've been there too. Until you've seen this side of life in a divorce you may never understand the metallic taste in your mouth. I was only able to listen to, or comprehend the words that came from mouths which tasted the metal too, during my insanity. The lights were on but that's about it.

All through this nightmare-walk there has been a repetitive, consistent, and at first painfully true message which has come to me time and again. The honesty, clarity, and strength of this message comes to me often enough so, I believe it may very well be a god worth negotiating with. The message was this: "If you're considering murder/suicide...please commit the suicide first. Go after everyone else next." I've seen, heard, and read this message hundreds of times over the last couple of years. It serves to remind me of why I got away.

While the message may seem cold, callous, and cruel, it's actually one of the most redeeming thoughts in history. Throughout some of the darkest, loneliest, coldest, and hungriest nights it happens upon me until the acceptance seeps through.

Yet it wasn't the encouragement to suicide which shone through. It was, and is, the understanding that if I can value my own life, independence, and well-being, I must value the same in others. I've simply no right to make such decisions for another. Nobody does. Even "God" leaves you to walk into your own death, and only that so much because of your faith in it, so who the hell am I to respond so irrationally to my divorce? I had to get over myself and it was a steep cliff to begin the climb.

So, if you're a divorcee who's been stung by the hornet's nest of emotions, fears, and confusion, please take a deep breath...abdominally...and let it out slowly. In response to infidelity or divorce or both it would be far better to hide among the rocks in the desert than do anything stupid. Let divorce be 'hell.' Don't go to hell over your divorce.

Source:
Personal experience
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