Divorce Pain that Just Won't Go Away

Persons dealing with the aftermath of an unwanted divorce or broken relationship have every right to feel down and out and just plain awful - for awhile. Every loss has its accompanying period of grieving which includes feelings such as: sadness, loss, and a sense of loneliness. There may also be feelings of betrayal, guilt, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness. All of these are normal feelings related to a significant personal loss.

Post Marital Distress Disorder (PMS), a term coined by this author in the book -When Divorce Hurts Too Long - Wallowing in Post Marital Stress Disorder (PMS). PMS is a condition that develops when the normal feelings listed above stay around too long and affect ones' ability to function successfully and effectively in the activities of their daily life.

When the feelings of anger, hopelessness, powerlessness and helplessness stay around for over 18 months or more, then one may be suffering from PMS and probably needs to seek assistance from a medical professional or counselor. All of the feelings listed above are related to depression and as such may have serious consequences if left unaddressed. So, if you have had sustained feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness and helplessness, seek professional assistance.

In the book -When Divorce Hurts Too Long - Wallowing in Post Marital Stress Disorder - PMS is defined by determining the level of seriousness of three variables -the Behaviors one is exhibiting, the Frequency of these behaviors, and the Duration of the behaviors. A PMS Scale has been developed by the author to help individuals determine whether their symptoms or behaviors are congruent with full blown PMS or whether their feelings are natural for their situation.

It might be easier to understand the Post Marital Stress Disorder by using an example, so let's look at what is going on with Jane and Tom. Both of them have gone through a divorce or broken relationship and are feeling sad about their lives and do not feel like they will ever be the same again. One of them has PMS and the other one does not.

Both Jane and Tom's behaviors, as identified on the PMS Scale, indicate they feel pretty bad about their lives and do not see that they will ever stop hurting. Given only this information, it is not possible to tell who has PMS and who doesn't. They both feel bad.

Since the PMS Scale has been designed to look at more than just behaviors, it is necessary to look at the frequency of their behaviors and how long - duration - they have been going on - the Frequency and Duration variables talked about above.

The frequency of Jane's behaviors places her at a moderate level as does Tom's. Both answered the questions regarding frequency of their behaviors at just about the same level - so the mystery continues. It is still not possible to tell who has full blown PMS and who is still reacting to their pain at a normal level.

In the particular example we are going through, one has to look very carefully at the duration of the behaviors or how long they have been going on. When this variable is added in, it shows that Jane has been exhibiting her behaviors for about 9 months and Tom's behaviors have been going on for over 24 months.

Now, it is possible to tell who has PMS - Tom does. Tom's behaviors and their frequency were defined as similar to Jane's but he has been going through these for a much longer period of time than Jane and has passed the normal stage of grieving and moved into PMS.

If you are suffering through a divorce or broken relationship and feel like your pain has been going on for too long, you may have PMS and may need to seek professional help. In the book, When Divorce Hurts Too Long-Wallowing in Post Marital Stress Disorder (PMS), the author has designed a PMS Scale to determine whether one has PMS, but has also designed a self-help program for individuals to use to begin to move out of PMS and into a more satisfying and quality life.