Divorcing a Bipolar Spouse

Divorce rates are through the roof, and the reasons are as varied as the colors of a spectrum. Mine is simple - in a complicated way.

After 13 years of marriage, the last 3 being separated, it's finally coming to an end. Before the separation life was absolutely miserable. No one knew when, what or where a manic episode would begin. Nothing seemed to be trigger indicators. And going through the period when my husband was in complete denial of the problem was some of the hardest times I've ever lived through. After all, this man (in the early years) was the absolute love of my life. I was saying "You complete me" before the movie even hit the theaters. But after a time everything changed. The man I married was lost somewhere and no one could find him.

My dilemma was complex in reaching the decision to agree to his request for a divorce. After all, I wouldn't divorce a man who became a diabetic, or acquired cancer, so how can I rationalize divorcing a man with a mental illness? Many long nights have been spent on this over the past few years, with my decision to agree to his request finally being reached in the past month. I give up. I'm tired of fighting with the situation. Of the middle of the night phone calls from a babbling person. Of not knowing whether his sudden appearance at my door would be something to fear or just a calm, friendly visit. And of trying to help him - Lord knows I have tried to help ... physically, emotionally and financially.

What's the moral thing to do? The ethical way to proceed? The Christian way to go? These are but a few questions that have been consuming that committee in my head for a very long time. I know my Church frowns upon divorce, but they do accept it (most of the time). Since reaching my decision not only do I have to go through the legal finalization but also the "annulment" via the Church (which takes a couple of years sometimes). It will be like digging up the dead all over again once that part comes around.

Once my decision was made, the emotions that accompanied it were phenomenal. Maybe I missed that day in psych class during nursing school, but I cannot understand how a person can feel happy, relieved and confident while simultaneously feeling sad, depressed and lost. Go figure. However those emotions coincide, they did (and still do on occasion).

Bipolar people can live "normal" lives. (Don't get me started on what "normal" is - I don't think there is such a critter any more) They can be responsible, productive, independent beings. This one can't. Or he won't. That's part of the difficulty as well - who really knows if the person really is unreachable or if s/he is simply playing the part for their own benefit? My husband would tell me that he did or said something in order to get sympathy, so is that the reason he cannot obtain that level of independent functionality? Only he and his God knows.

I guess I could claim rational comfort in saying that he asked for the divorce, rather than my wanting it. I didn't for the longest time because I just knew that wonderful man was still in there somewhere. I could see it in his eyes from time to time (ladies, you know what I mean). As the bipolar years have gone by, that great man has sunk deeper and deeper in to the depths of the now ever-present bipolar being. Now, I'm all for it.

Even with the most horrible marriages, divorce is a form of death. People have to go through the grieving stages (darn it!). Some aren't as affected as others, while there are those who are quite surprised how sad they feel about ending what was a bad situation. Guess I fall within that last group. And let me tell you - I don't EVEN like it.