Divorcing with Children: What to Say

When I married, I did not marry with the idea that, if things did not work out, I could just divorce my husband. I married because I envisioned myself growing old with him. Little did I know that, almost two years into my marriage and with an infant in my arms, I would actually consider divorce. I fought the notion for a long time; I fought it for eight more years. Almost ten and a half years later and with a second child, I finally took that step. It was heartbreaking. I spoke of divorce in hope that, perhaps, things would work out. But they didn't. And so, there I was: divorced, two children, with my family over 5,000 miles away.

It was very hard, especially on the children (then ages 10 and 4).

These are some of the things we told them and did to help them cope with our decision:

1. "Mom and I do not love each other the same way, but we will always love you just the same."
Their dad drew a diagram with four boxes, one per family member. He then connected all the boxes to each other and explained the relationship between each box. As last step, he deleted the line that connected Mom and Dad. He then proceeded to explain to both children that, although the line that connected the parents was gone, all the other lines that connected the children to each other and the parents would always be there. He was still their dad, and I was still their mom. Both of us would still care for them.

2. "You can call me any time you need to talk to me."
We promised that, independently of whose turn it was to be with the children, if they wanted to talk to or see the other parent, they could.

3. "Any time you receive a grade or an award, we will call dad, so he can celebrate with you."
Communication was still a vital part of our lives and we would let each other know of things the children would accomplish (while the other parent was absent) so that the other parent could praise, guide, and celebrate with them.

4. Divorce was a major life changing event, but we kept the drama out of it. I kept the same routine at home and dad kept the same routine at his house.