Dixie Chicks to Kick Off 2007 Spring Rendering Tour?

(Washington, D.C.) "I think people are using their freedom of speech with all these awards. We get the message." That was Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines' last words after accepting Album of the Year at the Grammy ceremony last month. Now, the sudden disappearance of the Dixie Chicks after their Grammy bonanza has people asking have the Dixie Chicks been rendered?

Not according to a statement issued by CIA Chief Michael Hayden, "The Dixie Chicks have not been rendered because officially there is no such thing as rendering. The U.S., being the Costco of world compassion, asked the group to perform for certain captives whose location, along with that of said Chicks, cannot be revealed for the sake of national security." The statement went on to say that the band accepted the offer and further volunteered to extend their tour "indefinitely and at undisclosed locations out of a new found patriotism, regardless of unfounded reports of either stun guns or chloroform."

Hayden said that this part of "the tour was just an extension of the Chicks' 2006 Taking the Long Way Tour. Call it Taking The Really, Really, Really Long Way. " And it was not due to any lingering ill feelings on President Bush's part for Natalie Maines or the Grammy win. To prove his point, Hayden revealed a video clip of Maines, flanked by her band mates. Hayden explained the orange jumpsuits marked "Prisoner" the women were wearing as a new musical direction, "country gangsta." On the video, Maines said, "I am not here against my will. Being with these prisoners, I see that they are poor misguided souls whom we love by keeping behind bars. George Bush told us. George Bush is our leader. We must listen to our leader. Praise Bush." Maines then fell face forward, as the remaining Chicks chanted, "Praise Bush."

President Bush is behind the Dixie Chicks, saying at a White House Press Conference addressing the Lewis "Scooter" Libby miscarriage of justice, "I'm glad Natalie and the rest of the Chicks have gone in a new musical direction. I love that country gangsta stuff. And considering what's been going on lately, I can truly say that I'm glad they're somewhere out there." When the question of rendering came up, President Bush immediately told the reporter who asked it, "This isn't Iraq. It's the United States. Just ask The Dixie Chicks. Wait, you can't. By the way, what's your name?"