DIY: How to Create Your Own Chuck Norris Joke

Seriously. Chuck Norris was washed up back when I was in high school. Missing In Action? Give me a break. Everyone knows that was just a warmed-over Rambo movie. Walker, Texas Ranger? Are you kidding? That's basically Matlock with more facial hair.

So why is the kid I work with, half my age, so enthralled with Chuck Norris Jokes? I mean I don't see the draw. He writes a "Chuck Norris Joke of the Day" up on our shared whiteboard. Tragically, you can have these jokes provided to you on your computer with an Apple Dashboard Widget. (Shame on you Apple!)

You've heard these things before. The classic one goes like this:

Q: What's underneath Chuck Norris' beard?

A: Another fist. (I've always thought it would be funnier to say "another beard" but what do I know?)

At first I suspected it was because my young co-worker fancies himself a Huckabee Republican, (Norris being Mike Huckabee's spokes-fist) and was sticking it to me, an avowed lefty. But I soon realized that this Chuck Norris Joke thing is bigger than that. It's more along the lines of "Your Mamma is so fat..." jokes where the point is to one-up the other guy's ridiculous zinger. The endeavor is obviously a monumental waste of time to people without an Axis II diagnosis on the DSM-IV.

So in the spirit of the Democratic Congress' "If you can beat them, you might as well join them" attitude, I've decided to give in and join the insanity. What follows are some guidelines for creating your perfect Chuck Norris Joke.

It's gotta be bigger than life. Chuck Norris is a completely average person. In order to pull this off, the joke has to raise him to galactic heights. Good: "Chuck Norris uses the Big Dipper to ladle himself a big bowl of Texas Chili." Bad: "Chuck Norris once ate a habanero pepper and didn't throw up."

Chuck Norris is a mean S.O.B. Chuck Norris seems like a nice enough guy; claims he's a Christian. Nice, a funny joke does not make. Good: "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris will rain blows upon you until you beg for death". Bad: "Chuck Norris once tipped his waiter only five percent." Be careful here. Chuck Norris should never be mean to children or the elderly. One of my early flops: "Chuck Norris once beat up a kid. That kid grew up to be Johann Sebastian Bach". Terrible. People tend to wonder why Chuck Norris would beat up a kid.

Don't forget the beard. For some reason Norris fans love the beard. Go with it. There is always something kickass underneath that beard. Good: "Underneath Chuck Norris' beard is an AK-47...sucka!" Bad: "Underneath Chuck Norris' beard is a pimple. He's afraid to play with it too much because it might pop."

The rules of logic do not apply. The actual Chuck Norris lives in the same basic linear reality as the rest of us. Joke Chuck Norris is from Bizarro world. Good: "When Chuck Norris rolls snake-eyes in craps he still wins". Bad: "Chuck Norris calls his friend 'Chick' even though the guy's name is 'Reggie'."

What you know about the world is wrong. Forget what you learned in history and science classes. That crap doesn't do you any good in Norrisland. Good: "Chuck Norris once beat up the moon. That's why it has all those punch marks." Bad: "Chuck Norris once got into a heated debate about evolution with his buddy Chick. They agreed to disagree".

Lastly, don't forget his movies. Yes, God forbid we forget Norris starred in a multitude of action movies. Why not make a joke about it? Good:"The commies were going to invade the United States until they saw The Delta Force. They tore down the Berlin Wall instead". Bad: "Chuck Norris once turned down a starring role in a movie because the dialog was trite and the plot was hackneyed.

You know, that last joke isn't half bad...

I might put that one up on the whiteboard.