Do Children Masturbate? Developmental Psychology, Behavior and Healthy Sexual Attitudes

Why is my child masturbating? What is healthy sexuality for children? Child sexuality can be an edgy issue that people often find uncomfortable. Differing religious or moral views or dogmas can complicate the issue. My research and wisdom are based upon the information we have on child development, my experience at home and in classrooms, and my own common sense.

There are several guidelines to keep in mind when considering child sexuality. It is essential to understand child sexuality within a framework of age-appropriate behavior. As children develop, so does their understanding of things. If a child is in a fairly typical developmental pattern (no major illness or developmental disability), then sexual development follows a pattern also. Age and development dictates every area of learning: social, physical, emotional and sexual. Here's a guideline to help you understand child sexuality:

Fact: Children are curious and love to explore. This will naturally mean that they are curious about their bodies (and others' bodies, too). They love to see what they can do and discover.

Fact: Children investigate with all their senses. Children get more information from touch, taste and smell than they do from seeing and hearing. This will include touching body parts. Just as an infant puts objects in her mouth to explore them, so she will touch body parts to explore.

Fact: Children develop ways to soothe themselves. They stroke soft objects and suck their thumbs. Sometimes they touch their genitals. Children do not masturbate or 'play with themselves'. Not in the negative sense in which that phrase is generally meant. It just feels good. They do not reach climax or orgasm until puberty.

Fact: Children are excellent imitators. They notice how you react to their behavior. They see how you feel about your body or sex. Children imitate people they trust. If your child sees it, he'll do it (or at least try it). A child raised with healthy images of sexual behavior and affection generally develops into a sexually healthy adult. If he sees negative images of inappropriate sex, violence etc., those images imprint upon him.

Fact: Children are curious about other peoples' bodies. They ask a lot of embarrassing questions. Here's the best way to respond.

-Stay calm. Sex is a normal, healthy part of life. When we fear something, we exaggerate it. If you get angry or act embarrassed, your child will get the idea that bodies are bad or weird. Even if your child walks in on an intimate moment, don't worry or panic. Just tell her you'll be out in a moment.

-Show your child that you love yourself and your body and that you love him. If you have body image issues, get help. Your phobias and issues will affect your child.

-Answer any questions she may have. You don't have to go into great detail. Simply answer truthfully the questions she asks.

-Act natural and comfortable when you talk with your child. Make it a positive experience.

-If your pre-school child touches another child sexually, you should step in. But do it lovingly. There's no need to be angry. Never shame the child. Treat it like any other inappropriate behavior. Just tell him that this is something for when he is older but not now. Help him to apologize.

-If a child touches private areas in public, address it in the same calm manner. I tell my children that it is inappropriate to touch the areas covered by a bathing suit in front of others. It is not dirty; it is private.

-Also, if your child seems to touch the genital area frequently, you may want to check for a rash or infection.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Past the preschool age of 5 or 6, sexual acts with another child are no longer exploration. Touching, fondling or viewing another person's private areas is not appropriate. No child should ever be allowed to exploit, intimidate or harass another child sexually. You must step and here's how to do so.

-When you address it, remain calm and be sure of your facts.

-Take it seriously and treat it like any other act of bullying or abuse.

-Let the perpetrator know that it will not be tolerated.

-Both children should separately receive help from a licensed psychologist. The victim should be kept safe from the perpetrator.

-Make sure that your child is not getting inappropriate images about sex (music, movies or TV shows, computer, etc.) A cyber nanny of filter really does nothing to get rid of pornography; it's only a click away.

-Monitor older siblings, babysitters, relatives, friends' homes, day care, school, even church groups. Any and all contact with adults are potential sources of inappropriate information. Never say, 'that person would never do that'. Listen to your child.

-Fact: Teenagers, almost universally, will masturbate. They are usually pretty discreet, especially if they have been taught about privacy. Do not address this behavior, unless it's not discreet. Masturbation is not unhealthy behavior and it's really not anyone's business. If you interfere, you will almost certainly damage your teen's emotional and sexual health.

Let's think developmental and healthy when comes to children and sexuality.