Do Exactly What Your Brother Says!

And then, just as Daddy's yelling, "Honey, where are my cufflinks?" and Mommy's writing down a list of phone numbers and Caleb's crying and Mike's trying to pretend like he's a grownup and I'm giving him a look that says, "You're the meanest brother ever and its not fair that you get to be in charge just because you're older," in the middle of all that, Mommy looks right at me and says, 'Listen to your brother. Do exactly what he says."

"C'mon mom," I say. "This is the same Mike who flushed my dolls down the toilet."

"That was a long time ago," says my mom. Then she grabs the car keys and pulls Daddy with her and just before she shuts the door she says to me, "I don't care if he tells you to stand on your head and spit nickels. You'd better do it."

"You'll be sorry," I say, but she doesn't hear me.

As soon as they drive off, Mike turns to me with an evil grin on his face. "OK," he says, "Do my laundry."

What choice did I have? My mother told me to listen to my brother. So I did his laundry. But Mike wasn't finished. He had me make his bed, wash the dishes, and bring him dinner in front of the television. Then he decided to have some real fun.

"OK," he says with an evil grin, "stand on your head and spit nickels."

What choice did I have? I stood on my head and spat nickels. Mike stops smiling and Caleb (who's pretty good in math) starts counting the money as it bounces out: 5 cents, 10 cents, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40...

At 60 cents I stand up. Mike's can't stop grinning. He's imagining everything he could buy with all that money. And then he says, "Stand on your head and spit quarters."

What choice did I have? I stood on my head and spat quarters. And now Mike is jumping up and down and Caleb's counting the money as it bounces out: 25 cents, 50 cents, 75 cents, $1.00, $1.25, $1.50...

"Spit $10 bills!" Mike yells and I do. They're kind of slimy and no one wants to touch them. $10, $20, $30, $40, $50... Caleb counts and Mike starts making a shopping list.

And then, just to see if I could, I spat $1,000 bills. $1,000, $2,000, $3,000, $4,000... out they come and Caleb's laughing and Mike, well...

Mike faints. I guess he got a little too excited. He looks so peaceful lying there (probably dreaming about his money) that we leave him right where he is and help ourselves to 7 bowls of double chocolate nut fudge royal ice cream.

When we finish, I turn to Caleb and say, "What should we do now?" He thinks for a minute and then screams, "Cake!" That's not what I would have chosen, but my mom did tell me to listen to my brother.

And Caleb is my brother.

So I call up the baker. "I want one kind of every cake you have." I say.

"We make 47 different cakes!" he said, "You must be crazy!"

"Would you do it for $100?" I ask.

"Nooooo."

"Would you do it for $1000?"
"No."

Would you do it for $10,000?"

They marched the cakes in one at a time. Chocolate fudge first, then lemon, cherry, banana and carrot. Caleb counts the cakes to make sure they're all there: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

But the cakes keep coming and coming. We run out of room in the kitchen and have to put them in the dining room. We run out of room in the dining room and have to put them in the living room. And then the ice cream cakes start melting and the chocolate cakes start dripping and everything becomes one big sticky mess.

When the baker leaves, I turn to Caleb and say, "Caleb, what should we do now?" "Zoo!" he yells.

I call up the zoo. "I want you to bring over your animals." I say.

"We have 426 different animals!" they say, "You must be crazy!"

"Would you do it for $1,000?"

"Nooooo."

"Would you do it for $10,000?"
"No."

Would you do it for $100,000?"

The animals march in two by two: giraffes first, then monkeys, lions, pandas and hyenas. Caleb counts the animals to make sure they're all there: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...

But they just keep coming and coming. We try to put them in the bedrooms. But the koalas knock over the strawberry frosted cakes and leave strawberry frosted footprints all over the house. And one of the tigers chases one of the parakeets up the stairs. He doesn't catch him, but he does bump into the rhinoceros and make him angry. And there's nothing worse than a rhinoceros in a foul mood...

When all the animals are in place Caleb turns to me and says "Circus!"

"Caleb," I say, I think that's enough for one night.

"Circus!" he says. "Circus! Circus! Circus!"

I call up the circus. "I want you to come to our house." I say.

"We have 963 different performers!" they say, "You must be crazy!"

"Would you do it for $10,000?" I ask.

"Nooooo."

"Would you do it for $100,000?" I ask.
"No."

Would you do it for $1,000,000?" I ask.

The circus performers arrive in groups of three. Jugglers first, followed by trapeze artists, clowns, lion tamers, and 3 men shot out of canons. Caleb counts the performers to make sure they're all there: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15...

But they just keep coming and coming. We put them in the basement because that's the only place left, but they wanted an audience, so they came upstairs to perform for the animals. And then the jugglers break the chandelier and the men in the cannon shoot themselves right into the china cupboard. The acrobats are using the moose's' antlers as a jungle gym and the pandas are using the clown's hats as chewing gum...

And then...

Mike awakes.

He wakes up and screams. He screams so loud that he wakes up the neighbors. And the neighbor's neighbors. And the neighbor's neighbor's neighbors.

It was the loudest sound I had ever heard. It was the loudest sound I thought I would ever hear. But two minutes later our parents pull up, open the door, take one look around and...

Well let's just say that now, whenever our parents go out for the night, they get a babysitter.