Do 'Friends with Benefits' Make a Good Friend?

Friends with benefits is defined by UrbanDictionary.com as "Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment"

FWB relationships are very common today especially among teenagers. But what happens when a lonely 40something girl finds herself in one. A good thing? Or maybe not so much...

Thanksgiving weekend I was out with two of my best friends. We were out playing pool and having a few beers. After a couple of games, two guys came by and started talking to my friend. One, who I'll call China, was oh so hot and happened to be a long time friend of my friend, K. We all went to a private party after the bar closed. By the time we left the party, China and I were getting to know each very well. Long story short, I took him home about 7:30 the next morning. The end. Or so I thought.

I really didn't think I'd see or hear from him again, so imagine my surprise when, out of nowhere, he emailed me the following Monday. Thus began our FWB relationship. I convinced myself it was not only what I wanted, but also what I needed. I'd been single almost 3 years, alone almost 3 years. I yearned for someone's touch, for the physical closeness. I wanted to be in someone's arms even if it was without strings.

It went along beautifully right up until it didn't. One night the end of December, we were sitting in hot tub after a few too many beers. We were discussing relationships. Next thing I know, he says that his problem in relationships is that he always chooses the wrong girl; he should be with someone loving and caring like me. Before falling asleep, he told me I was perfect. Shit! What was he trying to do? Didn't he know that saying such things to a woman you're sleeping with is a fatal error? It was downhill from there.

Downhill sucked. We still talked regularly-daily really. We just didn't see each other much. During one of our daily email conversations, I admitted that I had begun developing feelings and wondered what his thoughts were. He, of course, wanted to keep things as they were. Downhill began to accelerate. Soon we weren't talking as much and saw each other even less. Finally, sometime in February, we were out at a local club. He was extremely drunk and, the next thing I knew, he was gone. Ditched me. That was enough for me. I was completely crushed, devastated. It was the beginning of the end.

We had reached the bottom of the hill. I emailed and told him I was done. That my heart wouldn't let me invest anymore of myself in him. I ran into him two weekends ago at the club. He was all over me right up until fakeboobgirl showed up and then, he wasn't. Once again my heart crumbled. I told K that China was a fucker and I wanted to go home. At 2 a.m., China texted wondering where I was. Said he thought he must have lost me. He has no idea.

There are two very sad parts to this story. The first is that in all of this, we lost each other as friends. The friendship has been completely destroyed. Last week, it seemed he was actually almost hiding from me at the club. But even more sad? What could have been. We lost whatever might have been. And something in my heart tells me that what might have been would have been wonderfully incredible.