Do Opposites Attract? Advice on Finding a Mate

Are you a "good girl" who just can't help falling for those "bad boys?" You try to stop yourself but there's something just so intoxicating about the way they dress, smell, style their hair, and act that just pushes all of the right buttons. Or maybe you're the wild one who finds that the boys you've been dating just can't seem to keep up with your frenetic lifestyle!

Maybe you're putting too much faith in the old adage that opposites attract.

We've all heard it. It's a universal truth in the realm of science. Negatively charged particles attract their positively charged counterparts; it's how the world works. But does the same really hold true in the world of interpersonal relationships or is that just a fantasy created by sappy loves songs and propagated by Hugh Grant's romantic comedies?

It was a question that surfaced when, after sixteen years of being a single mother and devoting her life to raising her daughter, a good friend of my wife's decided that she wanted to jumpstart her love life. Her daughter had just left for college and was beginning her own life, stepping out into the world, and she felt it was time for her to step back in. She enlisted my wife as her "wing woman" in her search for a compatible mate and I got to come along for the ride.

Don't worry. Everybody does it.

Opposite personalities do attract, just like the poles of a magnet. Let's get that right out of the way. It's normal to feel attraction to people whose personalities are polar opposites of our own.

Why? "Mystery, anticipation and excitement, curiosity and adventure all come from experiencing something different," says Luigi Di Serio, a freelance writer and web developer who frequents the murky waters of interpersonal relationships in his online articles. It is those differences that pique the natural curiosity within us and spark our interest. Those attractions can be fulfilling, he continues, and can often teach us more about life and ourselves, by stretching boundaries and expanding comfort zones than our so-called "safe" relationships ever could. Maybe we see a reflection of some hidden desire within that person, like wanting to be more open and approachable or more fun loving and spontaneous; or maybe they represent a project or puzzle or us to decipher.

Don't be ashamed by it but do understand it for what it is. It's attraction, not destiny.

My wife's friend was no exception. After suppressing her own identity for so long, a sacrifice she deemed necessary for her daughter's welfare, the poor woman had only a vague idea of who she thought she might be. Because she wasn't sure of herself, there was no way for her to know where to start looking for a soul mate. In desperation, she suggested that we take her around the circuit of local night clubs.

If you've not been to a club in sixteen years it's not the best place to find a perfect match; more than the music and hairstyles change!

She had fun though. Everything was new and exciting and it was as if she were experiencing the world for the first time all over again. She laughed, and sang, and we even got her on the dance floor a few times. She got a few numbers, gave hers out a couple of times but after a few months her excitement began to wane. The guys she had thought to be perfect for her turned out to be less than. After several unsuccessful dates with men she knew weren't compatible with her, she was ready to give up.

Her biggest mistake? Confusing attraction with compatibility.

If you're looking to find someone with which to spend the rest of your life, there are more important issues to consider. So feel free to forget everything you've learned from Hugh Grant.

What could be more important than attraction?

Peter M. Buston and Stephen T. Emlen of the Department of Neurobiology and Behavior at New York's Cornell University came up with a study designed to test just what kept relationships alive long after the initial infatuation had died. They asked 978 heterosexual men between 18 and 24 to rate the importance of ten attributes pertaining to their long term partners, and then they asked the men to rate themselves on the same scale. The research lead them to conclude that "the decision rule governing such conditional mate preference is based on translating perception of oneself on a given attribute into a comparable selectivity of preference for the same attribute in a mate." Confused yet? Essentially, how respondents perceived themselves as related to those attributes very closely matched how they perceived their mates.[i]

It appears that though opposites in personalities may attract us to potential mates, it is the similarities in core attitudes and values that keep couples together. Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of "Date or Soulmate? How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less," used this principle as the driving force behind the construction of EHarmony.com. He saw that other "dating" sites worked by allowing people to choose potential matches based on attraction related values such as looks, personality traits, and a person's hobbies, yet he understood that the key to building long lasting, committed relationship was finding a partner whose core values closely matched your own.

Where do you find people that share the same attitudes and interests as you? Open your eyes; they are all around! You'll find them in the places you yourself already frequent. People who congregate at the local library will feel more comfortable and have more in common with other people who frequent the library whereas people who enjoy rock concerts will get more from the company of other rockers. The workplace can also be a good place to find a potential mate but be careful! If the relationship goes sour, you might end up in the uncomfortable situation of having to work with an Ex.

After my wife's friend recovered from a series of letdowns, I suggested that she begin her search for a mate anew in a setting in which she was already comfortable. She had been active in several local civic clubs and youth oriented organizations. I thought it sounded rather commonsensical but to my surprise, she admitted that she had never considered the men she came into contact with on a daily basis as potential partners!

So my soul mate will be just like me?

Unfortunately, it's not that simple. As Dr. Susan K. Perry says, "you may find more appeal in someone who is different in some ways." Remember, different is interesting, challenging, and, in a word, sexy. "The Key [to a successful pairing]," she warns, "is, which ways?"[ii]

That's exactly what psychologist Dr. Eva C. Klohen and her graduate student, Shanhon Luo, of the University of Iowa were looking for when they reviewed data compiled during the Iowa Marital Assessment Project in 2005. They found that though the 291 newly wedded couples interviewed responded that their core attitudes and values meshed, there was ". . . little or no above-chance similarity on personality-related domains. . . ."[iii]

So if their core values were relatively compatible yet their personalities were radically different, why were these people together? The answer to that question is not a simple one, indeed there may not be one answer at all -- in the world of relationships, there rarely is. Think of it as a two-stage relationship and it's a little easier to understand. In stage one those differences played an important role in attracting those couples strongly enough that they stayed in the relationship long enough to learn that they shared similar deeply held values. Attraction and compatibility work together to make a successful relationship.

What does this all mean?

After a lengthy search, my wife's friend met a man at a dinner party thrown by another friend of hers. She was dubious at first. She was rather prim and proper and he was a little rough around the edges; she worked in a clerical position in a government office, he built boats; she had a daughter, he had never had children; she was an early riser, he was a night owl. But she found something enticing about him though she couldn't put her finger on exactly what (I still think it was that they had similar taste in movies but I could be wrong.) Over the following weeks, she gradually learned that they enjoyed doing the same things and shared many of the same desires. The plans they had both laid out in advance for their respective futures in regards to children, marriage, employment, and even their political views meshed well with each other. They decided to make a go of it and have been together for nearly a year now with no end in sight!

Perhaps the best way to summarize is this: though differences threaten the stability of our relationships, they are essential to individual happiness within those relationships. Flexibility is necessary in any relationship and Dr. Neil Warren suggests that it is that flexibility which "allows people to consider differences, evaluate them . . . and then resolve them."[iv]

So while that gravitation pull you feel may be hard to resist, take a look at who it's pulling you toward and take a chance to decide whether or not you are really interested in learning more about them. If you are, listen to your gut reaction. If you're not, cut loose before things get too complicated to handle. It may take a while but if you can more easily weed out the people who aren't truly compatible, you'll be more able to find that lasting relationship you've been looking for.

[i] Jean Lawrence "Do Opposites Attract,"www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/do-opposites-attract

[ii] Jean Lawrence "Do opposites Attract," www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/do-opposites-attract

[iii] Assortive Mating and Marital Quality in Newlyweds: a Couple-Centered Approach;" Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vole. 88, No. 2

[iv] http://www.neilclarkarren.com/article/oppositesattract.html