Do You Snoop, Read His E-mails, Check His Call Log or Text Messages?

Have you snooped on your partner? Looked through your boyfriend's e-mails? Have you looked through your girlfriend's text messages? If you have, you're not alone. A 2010 survey by Retrevo.com found that, of the 1000 respondents, 38% of those under 25 in dating relationships had looked through the private e-mail or text messages of their partner. Among those in a committed relationship (spouses and partners) 36% admitted to snooping through e-mails, texts, or phone records.

Although the stereotype would suggest women do this more than men, the survey showed that there was little difference in the sexes, although it was a bit higher for women. Among the women who responded, 33% admitted to snooping through their spouse or partner's private records, and 30% of male respondents confessed that they did occasionally do it, too.

With the technology today, most people are not surprised that they leave a trail of their conversations and contacts with others. Some websites cater to the person who wants to find out what their significant other is up to, even if he or she doesn't really expect to find anything incriminating. A tracking device can permit tracking of any vehicle, and tracking GPS in cell phones can be tracked with the right software. A quick download onto your partner's phone can give you access to all of their conversations on that telephone. But would you want to do that?

Most would agree that we would not want other's snooping though our private information. It is an invasion of our privacy. One has to wonder why someone would want to be a relationship in which there was so little trust that it seemed snooping was justified. And the study showed that 10% of the snoopers actually found proof of infidelity, and only 3% of married couples found evidence.

Marsha, a married woman in her forties, admitted to checking up on her husband. "I have bought programs to track his e-mail and phone accounts. I haven't found anything, but it's gotten to be a habit with me. I check on him daily. I think my past experiences have a lot to do with my lack of trust, as he has never really done anything to make me doubt him." When asked how she thought he would react if he knew, she was certain "he would be furious and feel violated." Yet, she continues to snoop.

John D. Moore, author of Confusing Love with Obsession believes that "our childhood experiences, the role of family, and societal influences play a large role in the way we approach relationships later in life." Snooping usually occurs when partners feel either guilt, from having cheated themselves, or insecurity within themselves. Fear of rejection also plays a part. But too often, this insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the partner who finds out their privacy is being violated does end the relationship.

Martin, a divorced man in his 40's, said he grew tired of the "constant checking up" his ex-wife did during their marriage. "I found out she was checking the mileage on my car, had hacked into my work e-mail account, and was regularly checking my cell phone, even though I had never even thought about cheating." He ended the relationship feeling that he no longer trusted her.

So what should you do if you find yourself snooping on your boyfriend or girlfriend? You first have to identify why you are feeling insecure in the relationship. Have they given you real reasons to not trust them? If not, then the problem lies with you, and you need to deal with that problem, even if it means getting professional help. Is the curiosity more important than the hurt that it will cause if discovered? In a healthy relationship, we are open and honest with our feelings, discuss problems calmly and rationally, and allow our partner to have things in his or her life that are private. These are healthy boundaries that each person is entitled to, without invasion by anyone. And if there is truly a reason for the lack of trust, perhaps you need to examine why you continue in a relationship in which there is so little trust and honesty, but don't resort to snooping!