Do You Have Toxic In-laws?

The In-laws are sometimes unfairly cast in a terrible light. They're stereotypically nosy, and sometimes decide to never respect their child's marriage. Look at "Everybody loves Raymond" where the mother and father in law live across the street. They're always butting in and passing judgment, never being able to respect any of the boundaries set before them. I thought that was the way it always was - that having nosy parents in law was just the norm! So how could they have been the issue in my marriage?

When the future of my ex-marriage was at it's darkest, I was reaching out for information. I read books, joined forums and almost went looking for counseling. After speaking to a professor in the Psych Department about my dilemmas, we came to a harsh realization. I had Toxic In-Laws.

What are Toxic In-Laws?

They are the type of parents who will always want their child to show them that they are loyal to their family of origin (the family you are born with) over their family of choice (the family you wish to create). They usually do not respect their child's decisions as an adult and may not even like their child's choice of spouse. Often times it is between the mother-in-Law and the wife and for the purposes of this article, I will describe that relationship though a similar situation could occur between a husband and his in-laws as well.

What can they do?

Toxic In-Laws cannot destroy a stable relationship. A good, solid marriage will not fall under the weight of their manipulation and territorial games. Unfortunately, most new marriages are not that strong and at some point or another, the relationship will experience some kind of problem. No marriage is happy a hundred percent of the time and that is when their poison can have its worst effect.

I can name the exact moment I lost my Ex-husband and it was a good two years before the divorce. His parents were angry about his marriage and one by one they all called him and told him of their disapproval. His mother cried, his father refused to talk to him, his sister yelled at him. He frantically kept calling them, wishing to talk it through, but most of the time they hung up on him, yelled at him and told him to get divorced.

I tried to be understanding, but I could see him getting angrier and angrier. He couldn't yell at his family because... they were his family. Then, he turned to me and asked "Why didn't you add my sister to your myspace?" I had no answer other than the fact that I didn't think her intentions were all that altruistic. I expected her to want to snoop and spy.

"Well you should have added her! She's 15! She's upset!" and he started railing against me. I stood my ground and made the obvious point - she doesn't like me, she's a brat, she mopes when I enter the room and she gives me the silent treatment. I owe her no civility. This is not my fault. I'm not the one telling him to break up with his family. At that point, our marriage was broken. He made his choice when he started screaming at me. We divorced two years later when he couldn't decide whether or not to spend a vacation with his wife, or his family of origin.

Of course, he told his mother he'd spend it with them and told me that at the last minute he'd just say something else came up and spend it with me... I didn't know he was telling the truth to. There was no trust, there was no "us", there was no marriage. I filed for divorce two days later.

Is there hope?

Do all marriages end the way mine did? Of course not. According to John Gottman "The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother" and he has to make it clear that he "is a husband first, then a son". Until the marriage becomes the number one priority then they will always be floundering with the wife uncertain of her status, if any, in the family.