Do You Have VD?

"For your next relaxing vacation, visit beautiful Lopez Lake! It has panoramic views, canyons and vistas to die for!"--the brochure

Cougar 1: Don't you just love this tall grass?

Cougar 2: Yeah, too bad we can't smoke it.

Cougar 1 and Cougar 2: Hehehehehehe!

Cougar 1: I just love the vistas and the views, don't you?

Cougar 2: Yup, this is the life! Just laying here in the tall grass with a full belly of Green Peace volunteers.

Cougar 1: Hey look! Here come a couple of SHLEPS down the trail. One is bouncing up and down like Tigger.

Cougar 2: (Sigh) I just love Tigger; don't you?

Cougar 1: Yeah, Tigger is one cool cat! Hey, I think one of them sees us.

Cougar 2: Hey, I got an idea.

Cougar 1: What?

Cougar 2: Let's have some fun with these tourists.

Cougar 1: Wadja have in mind?

Cougar 2: Let's mess with their heads; let's pretend we want to pounce them!

Cougar 1: Hehehe! OK, let's do it. I'll start off by tensing up and wiggling my butt-cheeks.

Cougar 2: I'm with you, bud. Look, they're scared; they're moving cautiously away from us--

Cougar 1: They're getting ready to RUN! Hehehe! High paw, bro (slap!).

Cougar 2: Oh wait, one is turning around...Oh, this is too funny! The little one is trying to make herself look BIG. Oh, oh...I'm really scared now, aren't you? Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Cougar 1: I'm petrified...Bwahahahahahaha! She looks awful fierce. Could it...could it be Fabreezio? Bwahahahahahaha! I could use a perm. RIGLOL!

Cougar 1 and Cougar 2: Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Cougar 1: Hey, they're leaving again. They're power walking toward a truck.

Cougar 2: Hey power walkers! Don't forget your Gatorade!

Cougar 1 and Cougar 2: Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Cougar 2: I wonder why tourists walk? If they don't run, they are easier to catch.

Cougar 1: (Shrug) Beats me, but then short people have short legs. Perhaps they ARE (?) running.

Cougar 2: Good point. Look...hehehe...they can't find the keys to their truck...they're fumbling and panicking...bwahahahahahaha! Oh wait, they found the keys...they're inside the truck now.

Cougar 1: Hey, let's chase them, smash through their truck's back window and tear them to pieces!

Cougar 2: I ain't hungry.

Cougar 1: Some other time then?

Cougar 2: Yeah, let's take a rain check on this one.

Cougar 1: Hey look! Willy and Wilbert are coming down the trail now.

Cougar 2: Not so loud, fool...they are carrying those big sticks that make the big loud noise that killed our parents, remember?

Cougar 1: Oh jeez...I hope they don't see us. We better keep still and blend in with the grass.

WP: Howdy AC contenters! I'm Will Pinn and I is here to teach yew a thang or two about VD.

Wilbert: Will, how come we's out in the middle uh the woods talkin' 'bout VD?

WP: Well, Wilbert, does yew have VD?

Wilbert: I reckon I don't. I ain't been with a woman fer quite a spell.

WP: Land sakes, Wilbert! Are yew dumb as a smilin' ox with braces or what? I ain't talkin' 'bout venerable diseases. I is talkin' 'bout VD--Varmint Defenses! Does yew have VD--Varmint Defenses--Wilbert?

Wilbert: I is CON-fused.

WP: Well, let me tell ya, Cuz; I read up on this article in the Reader's Digestion. I learned me all kinda TECK-NEEKS to DE-FEND against them polecats hidin' in the grass over thar yonder.

Wilbert: POLECATS?!

WP: SHHHH! Keep yer pie-hole shut. Ifin yew scream like a little girl, they'll tar yew ta pieces! Says so right here in the Reader's Digestion.

Wilbert: S...so...so..whatta we gonna do, Will?

WP: Well, we gotta follow these here DI-REK-SHUNS:

STOP! Don't run! Don't turn around! Face them! Yell really loud! Make yerrself BIG! Grab a rock or a stick if you can. Look for an escape route.

First, we gotta STOP.

Wilbert: Stop breathin'? No problem!

WP: Then...don't run!

Wilbert: How we gonna git away?

WP: Huh, it don't say. Then we "face them!"

Wilbert: (Gulp!) What fer?

WP: "Make yerself BIG."

Wilbert: Hehehe! Yer woman tell me yew gotta problem in that department, Will!

WP: Shut yer pie-hole and pay attention! Now we gotta pick up a rock or a stick.

Wilbert: Well, first I has ta put mah shotgun down sos mah hands are free.

WP: Same here, Cuz. I found me a good stick ta grab on to. How 'bout yew?

Wilbert: I had me one in mah pocket the ho time. Yeeehaaaaw!!!

WP: Now we needs uh escape route.

Wilbert: How 'bout we head back up the trail, since thar ain't no-whars else ta go?

WP: OK. Now we gotta yell at them polecat varmints.

Wilbert: HEY YOU POLECAT VARMINTS! I GOT YER MAMMY AND YER PAPPY HANGIN' ON MY WALL!!!

WP: Holy cow chips on a Ritz cracker, Cuz! I reckon yew really pissed off them polecats! They's headin' RIGHT FER US! RUUUNNNN!!!!

(Willy and Wilbert make it to their truck. They think they are safe inside, but the cougars smash through the rear window.)

WP: Wilbert! Choke that polecat varmint with yer left arm then pound it with yer right fist! I'll do the same with this un! DIE YOU NO GOOD VARMINT! DIE!!! YOU AIN'T ALL THAT!!!

Wilbert: YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A BIG OL' P*SSY! I GOT VENERABLE DISEASES! Hey look Will, they's eskeered now! They's leavin'!

WP: Phew! Wilbert, I reckon yew is livin' proof that VD really do keep them pussies away.

THE END