Do We Need Couples Counseling?

The decision to go to couples therapy is never an easy one. Aside from the lingering social stigma of asking for help, there is the challenge of cost and convincing your partner that your relationship really does need professional help. But before you start calling therapists or making your case to your loved one it can be helpful to ask yourself a few important questions. As a marriage therapist myself I know firsthand that therapy has the power to transform relationships and improve lives even in the most mundane situations. But the success of couple's therapy relies heavily on the couple's willingness to change. Unfortunately, some couples find themselves in couples counseling unclear of what they want to improve, or worse, with unrealistic goals that they are not willing to revise. So here are a few questions to help you sort out if it's time for therapy or simply time to move on.

Is this relationship worth saving?
The reflex answer for nearly every couple is "yes"; but don't stop there. Really pause and reflect on not just the reasons you got together but the reasons you are together now. History, expectations of family or friends, financial entanglement, fear of the unknown, are just a few of the reasons that people stay in relationships they might have otherwise ended. If the top three reasons for staying include things like "I don't want to move out" or "my parents would be so disappointed" then it may be time to do a little soul searching. It's important to note that in any long-term committed relationship the passionate and overwhelming feelings of infatuation are going to lessen overtime and the impact of frequent conflict or emotional distance can create make it even worse. Looking for that rush of emotion you felt in the beginning is not necessarily a good gauge of relationship quality; instead it can be helpful to take broader view. When evaluating your relationship ask yourself how you feel on your best day together and on the worst. Sometimes things like history together or family expectations are good reasons to consider working, such as in the case of married couples or couples with children. But even in these circumstances it is important to allow yourself to sort through any ambivalence you may have about your partner or the relationship and be honest about issues of safety both emotional and physical.

What do I want change in this relationship?
If the question of counseling has come up then chances are that there are a number of things that aren't working in your relationship right now. The most common issue couples identify as the reason to seek counseling is communication but that is usually just a catch-all phrase rather than a specific identifiable problem. Take some time and really reflect on how you hope that your relationship will be different after therapy. Will you communicate your feelings more clearly? Will you have more fun together? Most importantly do these changes involve a drastic change in your partner or yourself? Wanting your introverted boyfriend to understand how much you enjoy going out together and compromise on a reasonable number of date nights is a realistic goal. Expecting that he will become the life of the party because now he understands that you like to go out is not. Therapy is about increasing your understanding and empathy for one another, not turning your partner into a completely different person.

Am I willing change my behavior?
One of the key components of successful couples work is a willingness from both partners to look at their contribution to relationship problems. While most people say "of course I'm willing to work on me" the truth is that in relationships our view is often very one-sided. It is easy to see what our partner is doing wrong or how they are not meeting our needs and much harder to explore the ways in which we are falling short. A good couple's therapist will help you both look at your role in relationship strife and develop ways to correct it but it only works if you both are open to change. If you are adamant that the only problem in your relationship is your partner then the effective solution may be to move on rather than attempt to find a therapist to "fix" them.

Will I do the work?
I often tell couples that therapy is rarely complicated but it is almost always hard. Many of the things we do in our relationships are the product of long-standing habits and deeply ingrained emotional patterns; learning to do things differently is not always fun. In order to make a relationship better you must be willing to commit time and energy beyond the 50 minutes in session each week. Much like taking up a new instrument- change takes practice. Whether you have a therapist who gives concrete homework assignments or someone who asks you to simply think about what you discussed in session, there is work to be done and you must be willing. Effective couples counseling means you will sacrifice time, energy, and the idea that you are (mostly) right in an effort to move your relationship to a place of peace, mutual respect, and love. So before you call your local therapist ask yourself whether you are ready to let go of some things... if you are then the process, although not always easy, can truly reap wonderful rewards.