Do Widowers Make Good Husbands?

You've met a great guy. He treats you well and seems sincere. He was widowed recently and is seeking a long term relationship and marriage. But you're concerned. Do widowers make good husbands? Here are some things to keep in mind if you are getting serious about a widower.

Men hate to be alone

Most men hate to be alone. They may enjoy the freedom of not being connected but hate to come home to an empty house. They start to work long hours or live at the gym just so that they don't have to come home to an empty house. After a long term marriage your widower may not have the vaguest idea how to be alone and he may rush into a relationship because it's the only way he knows to live. Men seek rescue relationships just like women. If you rush to marry this type of guy he may become discontent once he is feeling more secure and recovered from his loss.

Is he comparing you to her?

You want to be loved for the things you do and who you are and not have to compete with a ghost. Now you may be willing to listen to these comparisons because you feel you are helping him get over his loss. Don't marry until the comparisons stop. You don't want to spend the rest of your life trying to be better than the past wife. It's very probable that he is remembering the good things and forgetting the bad. If he has his dead wife on a pedestal wait till he brings her down to earth. You may hope that one day he will place you on that pedestal too but there is only room for one up there and if he doesn't take her down you will never get there.

Money and inheritance

Make sure you have discussed assets - yours and his. Does he expect to merge your money? Does he want to keep it separate? Who will be responsible for living expenses if he moves into your house? What is his expectation of how his money will be disbursed if he dies first? It's not unusual for a wife to find she has been left out of a will and his kids inherit everything. This is important if you move into his house. You could find yourself in the street. You both have assets acquired prior to the marriage and you want to understand what the financial arrangements will be upon the death of either of you. You may want your kids to get all of your assets. A prenuptial agreement may feel crass but ignoring them may cause a serious issue during a time of grief that could have been avoided with a little planning. If you don't like the plan you may not want to get married.

Who will be living with you?

Are there children still living in someone's home? Are either of you caring for an aged parent? Has an adult child come home? The presence of others in the home will have a very important effect on your relationship. If children have lost their mother he may be looking to you because he needs child care. Whatever the circumstance, is it one that you are comfortable with? Do you want or have time for the added responsibility? The lack of privacy as you begin your life together will make getting to grow together more difficult.

Finding the right guy is always difficult. And feeling wanted and needed is a turn on for women. But a dependant, needy guy who will be financially tight, needs you to care for his family, and has not yet emotionally buried his wife will not make a good choice. Some widowers are ready and can make wonderful spouses. With a little time a patience you may wind up with the gem you seek. Slow down and enjoy his company for now. Let time, as with any relationship, be the judge of how right he is for you.