Does Being a Stay at Home Mom Make You a Failure?

Next year will be my ten year high school reunion. One of my old school buddies reminded me of this just a couple days ago. She also mentioned a site where one of our other old friends was actively recruiting our graduating class for a reunion gathering.

Eagerly, I went to this site, thoughts racing in my head... things like, how fast time flies; I wonder how so-and-so is; how does she or he look now? When I searched the site, I was surprised and laughed to see the faces of old friends, most of whom I had not seen in years. Wow, how awesome is this! Let me message them all! I thought, rapidly joining the site myself. I was already pondering which pictures of my baby girl to include -- the one with the pig tails? The one with the gap-toothed grin? I looked around at their profiles as if it would help in my decision; and didn't see another baby face on there.

What I did see -- what seemed to strike out at me -- were the various names of colleges and universities attended, graduated from; the degrees in bold, BA, BS, Master, PhD. And the occupations: statisticians, lawyers, doctors, teachers, editorial, and some I had never even heard of. Nary a mention of "stay at home mom," however. Or "still working on that Bachelor degree after 10 years." That is, until me.

I certainly am not where I thought I would be, when I was making my plans back in '98. I still have my old diaries, the names of universities and degree programs, dreams and ambitions, scrawled in extravagantly dark blue ink. Nowhere in my diary was the plan of being a stay at home mom, of being a mom at all. My classmates, fellow students at a private British high school in Hong Kong, no doubt expected me to follow the pre-ordained path that they did. That is, four years of college. Maybe a few more. Then a job. Then a career. Moving along. Perhaps get married... but only after obtaining that diploma and nabbing that position. I guess I expected that of me, too, only because I didn't have any other ideas. I am 100% sure that is what my family expected of me.

A part of me never quite forgave myself for leaving school to work, and then attending school part time, while working most of the time. And ultimately becoming a stay at home mom. Making "mistakes" that led me to still being a high school graduate, that led to me throwing convention out the window and starting a family before I started a career.

But why do I really blame myself for making my supposed mistakes? About being a stay at home mom?

Why did I hover, hesitantly, above the "profile save" button on that site where all my old classmates are? Why did I wonder, If I do join and I do talk to them, what will they think of me? What will they wonder about the goals I did not reach? The dreams I did not succeed in? What will they think of my failure?

In a moment of derision for my own insecurities, I hit "save profile," I added my old friends. And I closed the site and went back to my work.

Later on, as I was mixing a casserole, open textbook laying on the dining table, TV vaguely playing music in the background, the same thoughts came up again. I looked down at my daughter; she was playing at my feet on the kitchen floor. I hadn't noticed her open the Tupperware cabinet and empty it of all its contents. She was sitting surrounded by containers of all shapes and colors; a plastic baby spoon in her hand, stirring patiently in a large, empty yellow bowl. She was babbling to herself, perhaps talking about the ingredients she was adding, just like mommy. When she caught me gazing down at her, she looked up, scrunched her nose and eyes, and gave me a loud, "Na na-na-na na!" and then flashed me the toothiest 13-month-old grin you will ever see. And I smiled at her, and I told her, "Yeah; you're right!"

And she was. I guess it's not so surprising, after all, that an infant would have the answers that my frenzied adult brain could not. My life was never a mistake; and neither were the choices I made. I am a stay at home mom by hard work and will, and the blessings I enjoy are those that some people live all their lives trying to find.

I have a man I love and who loves me; so much so, we dedicated our entire lives to one another. He understands me like no one else; he makes me hoot and holler with laughter on even the darkest day; he snaps some sense into me when I need it. And I do the same for him. I have my friends, I have my family. I have my health, I have my talents. I have my sanity... yes, even after the newborn months. I have grown as a woman in the past years.

I have become more accepting of who I am, though I still have my tinges of self doubt. Yet I grow closer to knowing what I want, what I need. I have become more open minded. I have become softer. I have grown stronger; I have faced great adversity and come out on top, fighting. I have grown a closer relationship with my parents through the years. I have grown freer.

And most of all -- I have grown a baby. I want to say more about that, about what it means - but it is so simple in its magnificence - there really is nothing more to say. I have my baby girl.

So I look at my old friends, and I am happy for their successes, and I am happy for how far they have come. At the same time -- despite not dressing in a suit each morning, or sitting in a big corner office -- I am so proud of how far I have come, and the great accomplishments I have achieved as a stay at home mom.
In the days, I pick up toys and change diapers, teach about the world, about life. I prepare a young mind and eager bright eyes for a life full of wondrous possibilities. At night, I pick up toys and clean dishes and bottles, sippy cups and squiggly polka dot spoons. In the morning, I wake and I share silly giggles over cold, never-got-to-drink-it coffee; syrupy grins over sliced up pancakes, banana kisses and milk mustaches; before we run off to the land of pretend phone calls from fairy princesses, and teddy bears eating plastic broccoli. Success in Life is what we make it, and being a stay at home mom is the opportunity of a lifetime.