Does Fecal Matter?

The subject of this article is taboo in polite society, and even in my own home, and may offend the sensibilities of some readers. However, every effort has been taken to make the subject.....tasteful?

The subject is toilet paper, or as it is known in coy America, bathroom tissue. Not only toilet paper, bumf, bog roll, loo roll per se, but toilet paper's purpose. It is used for the removal of fecal matter from the anus and other parts of the body. (For 'other parts', read fingers).

Toilet paper itself is a touchy subject, but spare a thought for the people who bring you toilet paper. Bearded macho men fight their way through Alaska sized forests to find the appropriate two ply softwood trees without slivers. When the appropriate 400 year old tree is located, it is cut down by a Lumber Jack, who performs juggling acts with his chain saw, as he shouts 'timber' at the top of his voice.

The felled tree is then tied together with others of its kind, floated down river, sliced and pulped and made into rolls. After that, there is an ordained method of use. First, you go to the corner shop and buy the toilet paper, which is wrapped in plastic, and store it under the wash basin in the bathroom. The bathroom tissue must be far enough away so that after you have voided your bowels and discovered there is no roll on the holder, you will not be able to reach the wrapped ones. I can't speak for women, but for men, this means a butt clenching shuffle whilst praying that no more fecal matter escapes, especially after an evening of beer and chili. Opening the cupboard and grabbing the toilet roll package is an art in itself, (www.squattingandclenching.com ) but the real problem is about to begin. The art of accessing the bog roll through the plastic wrap.

The forward thinker will have a Swiss Army Knife, with the optional WMD package, in his pocket. (Extricating the knife from the trouser pocket and the difficulties thereof, are in a separate chapter.) I forego the knife answer myself, as I keep a tame beaver in the shower stall. The Woodlands and Swamps Society will happily give you permission to house a beaver in your bathroom as long as you guarantee to keep it wet and teach it how to floss. If you go for the beaver course of action, be careful not to leave any toothpicks near the animal, unless you like flooded bathrooms. Otters and squirrels are sometimes used by the less fastidious among us, but that's a matter for their own conscience.

When you finally get to the toilet roll, you are agitated, which is when, whether you are a folder like most men, or a buncher, like most women, you are liable to use your finger (Of course I mean accidentally! If you know someone who does it on purpose, I prefer not to know), instead of the tissue. Most people deny that this ever happens to them whether they are 'front to back or back to front' wipers, and an international survey proved inconclusive. (Andy said he did it now and again and Jean refused to talk about it.) Let's assume that it happened to a 'friend.' He has some of his body's solid waste on his fingers and is revolted by it. What would that friend do, apart from using all of the toilet roll trying to clean his finger, or fingers?

Much will depend on whether he is a right or left handed wiper. In some countries, it is de rigeur to use the left hand to wipe your bottom and your right hand for eating. In some others it is considered rude to shake hands with your right hand because people assume that they know where it has been. No matter which method he selects, it will be a long time before he thinks of his fingers as being 'cleansed.' N.B. Using 'single ply' may automatically involve the use of finger(s).

The pampered North American thinks of undigested bowel discharge on their appendages as stomach churning, but what would happen if they were nomads in the desert and there wasn't a nearby toilet tissue tree? That made you tighten your buttocks, didn't it? Over the years mankind has used lace, wool, hemp, (yeuch) grass, stone?? and seashells? When I was younger, we used to read the newspaper and then cut it up, punch a hole in the scraps and hang them from a piece of string in the washroom. The Post was the softest on the posterior.

There are a few ways of losing the 'smelly fingers' nickname.

1) You can use rubber gloves.

2) You can do as the Russian Emperors did and employ a Groom of Stool, and let him be known as smelly fingers.

3) You can use a bidet instead of toilet paper.

Using a bidet would mean putting Lumber Jacks out of work, so just keep using the bathroom tissue, but be careful, OK? The next time you have to go, feel free, if you're reading this article in a newspaper, to take the paper with you and use it to clean up after your bowel movement.

If you're reading it on line, for goodness sake remember how difficult it is to clean between the keys of the keyboard.