Does Great Sex Technique Make a Great Lover?

Many men and women feel a certain anxiety about their ability to "perform" in bed. Many of our popular magazines address this concern, offering advice along the lines of "ten ways to please her" and "5 things your husband wants you to do in bed but is afraid to ask". Sex advice columns are typically taken up with a multitude of questions about the optimum frequency, duration, and intensity of lovemaking and how to have more stamina ("staying power") and achieve more orgasms. People seem more preoccupied with wanting to know how to satisfy their partners (and themselves) than with learning how to simply feel close to them.

Great lovemaking, as many longtime lovers can attest to, is an outgrowth of intimacy. This is especially true in the long term. Physical titillation may be enough to excite us in the early stages, but this soon wears off - and excitement is replaced with indifference, if there's no real closeness behind it. When we're with somebody with whom we can be vulnerable, though, the experience is exhilarating. Because there's such a rich emotional exchange happening already, we don't hold back. Real intimacy provides a better recipe for great sex than any sex manual ever could.

This is because our sexuality is an expression of everything else that we are, including our bodies, minds, and emotions. When we are fully "present" in our relationships, then, we are fully "there" in bed.

It all begins with communication. Partners who know how to be open with each other verbally and share their feelings are usually better able to express themselves physically, too. Sex is an exchange of energy, and when the channels are open that energy can flow freely. When there's poor communication, or old resentments and unresolved issues are brought into the intimate moment, this can clog the energy exchange and make for a less than satisfying experience.

If two people lack this emotional connection, this sense of trust and uninhibited sharing, then no number of sex tricks that they're able to pull out of a hat will compensate for the lack, in the long run.

So here are some sex techniques that you might not have read about in a magazine article or advice column: (1) Get to know your partner. Really get to know them as best as you can. Listen to them - and pay particular attention when they tell you their likes and dislikes. (2) Get to know yourself and your own wants. (3) Communicate these desires to your partner, and be receptive when he or she communicates them to you.