Does Jealousy Have to Ruin Relationships?

There are many reasons why your boy/girlfriend, companion or spouse might exhibit a high level of jealousy in your relationship. Depending upon a myriad of circumstances, you may be able to overcome these jealous feelings that seem to have taken over your relationship. It is important for you to determine whether the jealousy is situational or constant. Additionally, it will be helpful to ascertain whether the jealous feelings are internally or externally motivated. Understanding the source of the jealousy will help you make a decision concerning the future of your relationship. Here are a few tips to help you understand your partner's jealousy. Remember that he/she might not even understand his/her own feelings. It is important to talk to your partner before making any final decisions about your relationship. Maybe as he/she is made aware, he/she might evolve into a secure partner.

The Random House dictionary defines jealousy as:
Resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. Synonyms include: envy, resentment, suspicion and covetousness.

Jealousy is a negative emotion. It is marked by insecurity, suspicion and fear. It is caused when a person believes that they are losing something to someone else or when they desire something that they can/do not have. It comes from being discontent and from feelings that they are being cheated or that their desires don't meet with their capabilities. This emotion is usually accompanied by anger and self pity.

While the feeling of jealousy might be natural and exhibited from the pouting sibling to the obsessive mate, the way many people handle jealousy is not healthy. Since jealousy stems from insecurity or discontentment of what one has, a change in the environment rarely does anything to soothe the pain of this crishendoing emotion. And, make no mistake, unless the owner of the emotion decides to squelch it, it will increase in intensity. Since we are aware that insecurity and fear is the root of jealousy, we must examine whether your partner has a valid reason for feeling these emotions. Here are some questions to help you decide whether the jealousy is situational or constant and whether it is internally or externally motivated.

First, think about your partner's other relationships. Is there a high level of sibling rivalry? What is the atmosphere between your partner and his/her colleagues at his/her workplace? Does your partner seem to be content with his/her circumstances or is he/she always wanting either something out of reach, more than what they have or the exact thing that someone else has? When you first began your relationship, was there a loving possessiveness to his/her actions and thoughts? It is amazing, but many times, jealousy is termed "protective love," in the beginning of a relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, did he want to know who you were talking to, every minute of the day? did her mood change (regardless of your response) if she believed that a woman had been flirting with you? It is certainly possible that your partner is an insecure person. There are people who are jealous of their colleagues, their siblings and other potential partners. They see each relationship as an opportunity for possession. These people continuously need to be validated and compare themselves with each person that might be a rival. They determine their worth upon their comparison to others. These people are perpetually insecure. It is unlikely that you will change their thinking or feelings. Even if the environment changes, their insecurities have not. It is unlikely that anything that you do will make them feel secure and/or content.

Maybe your partner does not have a jealous personality. It is quite likely that your partner may have had a previous relationship where he/she was hurt by an unfaithful partner. Many times your partner carries these insecurities into his/her new relationship. Maybe your partner needs some time to emotionally heal from his/her last relationship. If he/she still feels some insecurities, this is a sign that he/she has not healed completely. Certainly you can assist your partner in healing, but an all-too-common occurrence is that the partner projects his/her feelings of mistrust onto you. You might often feel as if you are paying for the previous lover's mistakes. In addition, the partner might develop a pattern of feeling and acting upon his/her insecurities and it is more difficult for him/her to break this pattern. While his/her jealousy is not permanent, it is internal. He/she has to develop new, more secure, emotionally healthy habits. He/she must continuously ask him/herself: if this is a knee-jerk or analytical response. Building up new habits of trust and new patterns of thinking and behaving will take some time. Your partner must come to the realization that he/she is imposing his/her feelings from the last relationship onto this one and wants to take steps to prevent it. In this way, he/she has admitted that his jealousy is his/her problem and you have not contributed to it in any way. By working on self confidence, recognizing unique qualities that make your partner stand out as an individual and developing pride in his/her accomplishments, he/she will become more secure and less fearful that his/her mate will deceive him/her in any manner. Your partner will understand that you are not a possession to be kept or stolen. Your relationship is predicated on respect and choice. He/she will know that you have chosen to be with him/her because you value him/her as a person. Your partner will know that he/she deserves respect and honesty and if it is not given, then, he/she will be confident enough to find it elsewhere.

There are times when your partner might have valid reasons to be jealous. Certain situations will bring alarm to even the most secure partner. Early in the relationship, both partners should discuss acceptable and unacceptable male/female relationships. Such topics such as flirting and their own personal boundaries within male/female conversations and friendships should be openly examined. If two people can not come to a mutual understanding, then it is best to find someone who holds the same values. I would find it unacceptable for my boyfriend to have private semi-intimate internet conversations with a female. If he does not hold the same beliefs, then getting him to respect my feelings is at best his sacrifice and at worst never going to happen. Even if he makes this sacrifice, if it feels taxing to him, then, he will soon regret the sacrifice.
If your partner does not have the same boundaries as you do and does not have high regard for your feelings, then, it is best to find someone who will share your beliefs. If you continue with the relationship, you might be putting yourself into a situation to be deceived by your partner.

If you have done something to increase your partner's insecurity; which usually means an act of deception, dishonesty or betrayal, then, it is appropriate for your partner's insecurities to rise. Of course, if you have been unfaithful to anyone in the past, it is probable that you will be unfaithful in the future. If you have been unfaithful to your partner in the past, then the percentage of infidelity rises to near ninety-nine. Not only is your partner's jealousy expected, but it is warranted. It is advised to allow your partner to find a relationship where he/she can feel secure and loved. Your partner will need to recover and not try to rebound into another relationship.

There is a difference between "jealousy," and "respect." A lack of jealousy is not a lack of care. It is not jealousy that believes that it is a bad idea for my partner to go out to dinner alone with his recently single ex girlfriend. I am secure in our relationship. However, I don't want him to be tempted. And, engaging in such dinners is an activity that couples share and since they are no longer a couple, she cannot claim to share those activities with him. Furthermore, I don't want to give her the wrong impression about him. That is, I don't want her to think that he is single or willing to act as such for a night. I don't want for myself or our relationship to be disrespected and I, in turn will abide by those same guidelines. However, it is not jealousy that propels me to these decisions. The absence of jealousy is not complacency. The opposite of insecurity is confidence and the opposite of fear is love. Just because someone has narrow boundaries concerning platonic male/female relationships does not necessarily mean that they are a jealous person. It might mean that they have a high amount of respect for their current relationship and don't want to damage it.

A partner's jealousy does not signify the end of a relationship. Furthermore, you don't have to consistently live with the demands of a jealous partner. It is possible that you and your partner can work together to eradicate his/her jealous feelings and arrive at a more satisfying relationship. Examining the origin of these feelings and the situations in which they occur will give you a better understanding as to whether you both can work through these issues. Eliminating jealous feelings might mean getting out of a specific situation or relationship. It means that there must be an examination of insecurities and an understanding how to deal with them before continuing a relationship.

Sources:

The random house Dictionary