Does a Lack of Conflict-Resolution Skills Cause Problems Today?

Interview question from a teacher information site

How much of a problem is a lack of conflict resolution skills today? How is the situation trending, in your view? What can we be doing in our educational system to address this?

My response

The lack of conflict resolution skills has probably gotten worse rather than better as the years go on. Due to television shows, movies, video games, and other teens encouraging their peers to stand up to the adults in their lives with more abrasive behavior, students are ill-prepared to deal with their parents, teachers, and future bosses in a more diplomatic manner. Students need to be taught that it is vital to their ability to get good grades, good references for future jobs, raises, and promotions, they will sometimes need to 'eat crow', so to speak, with people in positions of power such as teachers, administrators, coaches, bosses, and law-enforcement officials.

Eating crow with adults in positions of power

How do you 'eat crow' with adults in positions of power? What do I mean by that statement? Here's an example. When I was in seventh grade, I had an elderly pre-algebra teacher who sometimes would contradict her teaching process from one day to the next. I went to her after class one day to get help with some formula problems. She helped me. I thought I understood. I went home and did my algebra homework based on that help.

The next day in class, another student asked about the same problems. Confident that I now knew the answers, I listened to her explanation. I was horrified and upset to learn that she had given me the wrong information the day before. Realizing that I was going to receive a bad grade for my homework and also being aware that I now was more confused than ever about how to work those particular formula problems, I lashed out. I rashly yelled, "But you told me to do it a different way yesterday." Naturally, that teacher felt embarrassed, chagrined, disrespected, and backed into a corner. She yelled back and made me feel similar negative feelings. The situation was quickly spiraling out of control.

Disgruntled and frustrated, I went home and asked my father for help with my algebra homework as I had it to do all over again. He asked me why I had neglected to ask my teacher for help. My story spilled out. He then proceeded to teach me one of the most valuable lessons that I have ever learned about being diplomatic with others by using 'I Statements' or 'I Messages' as opposed to 'Accusing You Statements'.

I had said words to the effect of, "YOU told me to do it wrong." Naturally, the recipient of those words felt attacked and cornered. Even possums, who normally play dead when feeling frightened, will attack with tooth and claw when they feel trapped. Instead, I could have said, "I understood you to explain it differently yesterday. I'm kind of confused now. Could you explain it again, please?" Or I could have gone to her after class and used an 'I Statement' and said, "I feel kind of frustrated that I did my homework wrong since I obviously misunderstood your explanation yesterday. May I have a chance to do it over again without getting a bad grade? Also, could you please explain how to work this formula again?"

At my father's firm suggestion, I did end up apologizing for my rude behavior to this teacher. Eventually, the situation resolved itself; however, it could have been resolved so much more quickly without both of us feeling battle-scarred and emotionally battered.

Teach your students and children to use 'I Messages'

Teachers and guidance counselors would do well to post 'I Message' Sentence Starters in their classrooms. They can teach students how to use these statements. Give them an opportunity to lab or role-play situations like they came late to class or work, they misunderstood a homework or work assignment, there is a power play between themselves and a peer or co-worker, etc. Then when they have to deal with other teachers and their future bosses, they will understand how to use a much more diplomatic approach when future misunderstandings and conflictual situations happen. This list includes the following twelve 'I Messsages' Sentence Starters:

• I want ...
  
• I feel ...
  
• I would appreciate it if ...
  
• I think ...
  
• I need ...
  
• I expect ...
  
• I wish ...
  
• I understood you to say ...
  
• I thought you said ...
  
• It was my understanding that ...
  
• I guess I mis-heard. Please ...
  
• I would like it very much if ...

Students need opportunities to try this more positive approach to their interpersonal communications with others in a safe-environment such as a classroom or guidance counselor office or with a conflict resolution specialist so they can react quickly to diffuse potentially lethal or troubling situations. Learning to get along with others is probably one of the most important lessons a teacher or parent can teach.

For your convenience, click on the following link to print a copy of the 'I Message' Sentence Starters Display poster.

Have students formulate their 'I Message' with a request and a reason as seen in the following example below:

I __________________________ because ___________________________.

• I would appreciate it if you do not call me names because it bothers me.
• I feel you should give me a turn to shoot a basket because that would be fair. I promise not to hog the ball.
• I wish you would not start rumors about me because they are not true. I would never start a rumor about you.
• I understood you to explain it differently yesterday. I'm kind of confused now. Could you explain it again, please?
• I feel kind of frustrated that I did my homework wrong since I obviously misunderstood your explanation yesterday. May I have a chance to do it over again without getting a bad grade? Also, could you please explain how to work this formula again?

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