Does Spanking Equal Discipline?

Often when I mention my stance against spanking children I am told what a disservice I am doing my children. People tell me over and over again how choosing not to discipline my children will cause them to grow up as dishonest, lazy, rude, and selfish adults. Each time I can not help but look confused at the assumption that by choosing not to spank that I also am choosing not to discipline my children. Where did the myth that spanking is the only way come from, and how soon can we make it stop?

Whenever anyone chooses to do something that falls outside the mainstream ideas in America they can expect criticism and scrutiny. Mothers who breastfeed often hear that everything from the common cold to fussiness and more is caused by breastfeeding. If the baby is big, little, sleeps a lot, hardly sleeps, or has colic there is someone ready to point out that breastfeeding is the cause. Parents who homeschool often hear how that is to blame for every tantrum, bad mood, and tired day. When a public schooled child argues with his parents it is often looked at as typical for the age, but when a homeschool child does the same there are more than enough people jumping in to tell you how homeschooling is causing the child's attitude and a host of other assorted "problems" that they perceive. I have heard people say that a premature baby was caused by using a midwife rather than a doctor, that bossy toddler was so because his parents co-slept, and that a broken arm was from a weakened body by choosing not to vaccinate. It seems that no matter what the issue is if you choose to step outside the comfortable norms that most people hold there will be someone ready to point out that your unusual choice is to blame.

Back to spanking. Just yesterday I had to go to the local supermarket for milk and bread. A simple shopping trip that normally would have taken me ten minutes turned into nearly 45 minutes because the store was busier than usual. The crowd, the long wait, and the loud noise from workers outside trying to fix a broken sign made nearly every child in the store tense up. Near the bread a young girl reached out and took a package of pink cupcakes off the shelf, her eyes sparkling over the treasure. Suddenly her mother shouted at her to put the prized cupcakes back. Tears swelled her eyes as shaky hands returned them to the shelf, tears that earned her a smack on the rear for "causing a scene". Just down the aisle a young boy was screaming and throwing himself down. Red eyes clearly showed that he was tired, probably too tired to handle the shopping trip. But his father with a cart full of groceries was not going to wait until a better time. Instead the boy was dragged off to the bathroom, where the humbled face later made clear that he was "disciplined" for his behavior. Near the counters as I waited to pay an older boy was excitedly trying to convince his mother to buy him a pack of gum. Brooding, his mother relayed the "I've told you a thousand times..." line and made threats that as soon as he was home he would "learn to understand what no means." As we moved up in line my own son spotted a shelf full of chocolate bars. Really, who can resist sweet chocolate bars in shiny packages? As he reached out to grab one I quickly intercepted him, attempted to distract him with the important job of holding my purse, and tried to explain to him that mommy only had a few dollars and could not get the chocolate bar. What happened? He had a melt down.

We had been in the crowded store for too long, it was near his lunch time and he was hungry, and the chocolate bars were placed at just the right level to tempt him. With a sigh I picked him up and paid for my purchases as he sobbed on my shoulder. In line behind me an older woman looked at my crying son, then at me, and declared that a well places swat on his bottom would cure him of that. I smiled and as politely as I could muster thanked hr for her concern but stated that I do not believe in spanking. The look of horror on her face might have indicated that I said that I prefer to lock him in a cage with rats. For the rest of my unfortunately long time in line I got to hear how he was acting out simply because I do not spank him, that he would grow up to be a horrible adult, and that I was not parenting him correctly by choosing not to discipline him. "Mark my words," she threatened, "you'll regret it when he's a teenager."

Clearly children who are "disciplined" still act out, have tantrums, want things, argue, and disobey. No child is perfect and despite what some people wish they cannot behave like little adults. You can not expect a toddler not to run and yell after being stuck in one place for too long, or expect a preschooler not to be distracted by the rows of shiny toys in the store, or expect an older child not to tune out what you are saying when he has heard you say it several times already. I have another article here at AC that discusses removing the word no from your home to create a happier parent-child relationship.

My own reasons for not spanking are based in my reality. Spanking may teach my child to listen to me and obey me immediately, however that is not the kind of child I want and not the kind of child I hope to nurture. Rather than a person who obeys authority figures without question and respects his elders on nothing more than they are his elders, I hope to raise an adult who asks questions like why and learns to respect others because they have earned the respect by their actions. I also want my children to understand cause and effect. In my day to day life there are many things that I choose to do or not to do, and none of those decisions are based on fear of being hit. If I speed in my car, steal from the store, or break other people's property nothing will result in being hit by those in charge. There is simply no basis in my daily life to explain doing to my child what I would not allow to happen to me. Children learn through example I cannot teach my children that their actions will be physically punished and then expect them not to do the same to others. Unfortunately my experiences have taught me that the child who is spanked at home is the one more likely to push or hit another child at the park. Even the lightest tap can be humiliating and embarrassing for the child, not something that any person of any age should experience.

So what kinds of discipline do I use if I do not spank? Well there are always time outs and removing privileges. However, I do not use either of those as punishment. To me, discipline is not about punishment but about education. Often the things that a child does that adults feel so upset by are a part of the child's nature. Expecting the child to change his very nature, then punishing him when he can not does nothing to help the child understand. When I use a time out or remove a privilege it is more about taking a break, having a chance to cool off and look at the situation with a level head. When a basketball player starts messing up his shots on the court the coach will often bench him, giving him a chance to cool off and get his head back in the game so he can go back out and play better. That is how we use time outs, he takes the time to sit out and calm down so that I can explain clearly what the problem was and he is calm enough to understand. Forcing a child to "act right" in the store may allow you to get your shopping done but it does nothing to help him understand his own body's cues about being tired or hungry. Spanking him for running into the street may make him think twice about running out there next time but to the child that danger comes more from an upset parent than the speeding cars.

I also allow natural consequences to happen and use them as a way to teach my child. Rather than using spanking and "discipline" to force my child to fall into what I feel he should be doing I let him learn on his own why. As long as safety is not being jeopardized letting a child feel hungry, or tired, or upset makes a bigger impact and communicates better the reason behind the rules. The difference between wearing a coat "because my mom said so" and "because it is cold and I don't like being cold" is huge, the latter being more likely to stick with the child without repeated nagging, arguing, or resorting to spanking. Taking the time to calm explain to your child your reasoning will also force you to evaluate why you want your child to behave a certain way. Is it more important not to cry in public because of what others may think or to know that you can express your emotions with acceptance? When we have to explain why we expect certain things we are faced with understanding why ourselves, which can lead to a change that would have not happened before.

The first two definitions of discipline are 1.training to act in accordance with rules; drill; and 2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training. Every day I am helping my children develop skills that they will need as adults, and I am training them to follow the rules that society sets out. Though I choose not to use physical discipline to force them to comply, or teach them to obey simply because I say to, and though I do not punish them for their actions but instead teach them why their actions were improper, or force them to fall into a set of standards that others feel are necessary does not mean I fail to discipline them. I have learned that raising children is more about guiding them towards adulthood than swatting them into obedient behavior. And sure, when they are teenager they will probably argue with me, demand to be respected despite their young age, ask why things are the way they are, and refuse to behave a certain way because others deem it appropriate. But you know what, I can't wait to see.