Does Spontaneous Human Combustion Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

Old age, diabetes, drug abuse and pelvic trauma have long been known to cause erectile dysfunction in men world-wide. But if a new study by researchers at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg proves accurate, we may soon add spontaneous human combustion to that list.

"We now believe there is a 60 percent chance that internal combustion causes bouts of impotence in men." said Dr. Dustin McLean, head of the Plainsmith Research Center where the ongoing study takes place. "It just depends on where in the body a man's own private inferno occurs."

More specifically, the closer an internal fire burns to a man's genitals, the more likely he will not be able to produce an erection. (see diagram

)

"You've heard of good cholesterol -- HDL -- and bad cholesterol -- LDL." explained McLean. "Likewise there is such a thing as good burning in a man's loins -- sexual urgency -- and bad burning -- when a man's penis is literally on fire."

While groin area combustion seems to be the most direct link between combustile tendencies and impotence, the study shows that internal fires elsewhere in the body can also make it hard to at least maintain an erection.

"If a participant is in a state of arousal and flames suddenly burst from his chest, the subject often loses his erection within five seconds." said researcher Miriam Underhill. "However, sometimes the erection lasts even beyond the participant's death."

Internal flames originating in the chest and head areas did often lead to shorter-lasting erections, the researchers found, however this was often a peripheral side-effect of the greater problem of death. Other nonlethal combustion zones such as the feet, on the other hand, showed no direct link to erectile dysfunction.

"Foot combustion seemed rather an annoyance to aroused men, more than anything." said Underhill. "Usually such a participant would simply try to kick the flames out in the bed covers and then continue with the task at hand."

The research team recommended that men who suffer from spontaneous human combustion and erectile dysfunction seek help in therapy groups.

Spontaneous Human Combustion Support Group.

The Plainsmith Research Center received funding for its study through a grant in the US federal stimulus package. Some critics questioned the validity of using American stimulus money for erectile research in Canada, especially to the tune of $75 million.

"I'm not in favor of pork spending, but this particular earmark was totally justified." said Minnesota Congressman Peter Hulne who sponsored the spending. "Because when it comes to wood, Canadians know what they're talking about."

Still, the grant receives vocal criticism from across the political spectrum on a daily basis. And the detractors' haranguings have taken a toll on the researchers.

"The Plainsmith Research Center has a long history of important study." said McLean. "Nobody in their right mind would oppose the allocation of this funding. I mean, do you oppose it? If so, you're a total psycho."

Other studies conducted by PRC.

Early Detection of Kill Impulse in Hitchhikers.

Can Mob-Style Strong Arm Tactics Increase Traffic to Your Webpage?

How to Tell If You Have Been Attacked by Bigfoot.