Domestic Violence

Domestic violence can occur between any intimate partners, but the most common violent relationship is between a male abuser and his female partner. It can happen to people of all ages, races, socioeconomic classes, and educational backgrounds. The Department of Health and Human Services states that as many as 4 million women suffer abuse from intimate partners or ex-partners, but many cases go unreported due to the falling self-esteem of the victim as abuse escalates.

How do I know if my partner's actions are abusive?

You may be in an abusive relationship if you:

• Have ever been threatened with violence, whether or not the abuser has followed through on the threat.
• Feel that your partner controls where you go, what you do, or what you wear.
• Have been accused of cheating, lying, or misbehaving, even when you have not done anything wrong.
• Must ask for permission to complete your everyday tasks or to leave the house.
• Must submit to sexual acts against your will.
• Find yourself changing your behavior or accepting your partner's decisions only because you are afraid of his anger.
• Limit your time with friends and family for fear of how your partner will react or because your partner has forbidden it.
• Make excuses for your abuser's behavior, such as "I deserved it because I did..." or "He only does this when he is [drunk, stressed, worried about money, etc.].
• Find it necessary to wear certain clothes or extra make-up to hide bruises and other injuries, or have to lie about how your injuries happened.

Is it just uncontrolled anger?

Although anger may be one method abusers use, the real issues are power and control. They try to instill fear to give themselves total control of their victims.

Some other tactics abusers use include:

• Using children as pawns, threatening to take them away from the victim due to her "bad parenting skills".
• Using threats of harm to children, pets, other family members or himself.
• Shifting blame for the abuse to the victim.
• Denying that his behavior is abusive.
• Controlling money or refusing to allow the victim to work outside the home.
• Using put-downs and insults to take away the victim's self-esteem.
• Using intimidating looks, actions, and gestures, breaking things or displaying weapons to instill fear.
• Isolating the victim by limiting her contact with anyone outside the home. The abuser may track odometer readings or may call the victim obsessively to verify her whereabouts.
• Making all major decisions in the home, treating the victim as a servant or a possession. The abuser may insist on an unrealistic level of service, such as having dinner served at a particular temperature or time, or having the kitchen floor scrubbed with a toothbrush.

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

Abusive relationships start with subtle signs, then progress to more frequent and severe forms of abuse. Typically, the abuser will offend, beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or a promise to change, become depressed or stressed, and offend again. Continued abuse deflates the victim's self-esteem, making it harder to seek help with each instance or offense. Domestic violence rarely goes away without help, and often spirals more and more out of control until it ends in death.

An adult victim may think she is the only one being affected by her abuser. However, children of the relationship are often just as much at risk. Even if they are not being directly abused, chances are they are aware of what is happening. They may develop problems in trusting adults, especially males. They may develop alcohol and drug abuse problems. They often grow up to be abusive adults.

When is it riskiest for a domestic violence victim?

Domestic violence can begin at any time during a relationship. However, it often begins and may increase during pregnancy, when it is especially important that the victim protect not only herself but her unborn child as well.

Because of increased stress and money worries, the holidays may also present risks to domestic violence victims.

The most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is when she has decided to leave her abuser. Remember that domestic violence is about power and control. If the victim leaves, the abuser will no longer have control over her - the ultimate loss. Victims must have a safety plan in place, including:

• A safety signal such as a certain light being turned on or a shade being drawn that will alert neighbors to contact the police.
• An emergency bag including extra clothes, prescription medications, identification, keys, important papers, and money. The bag should be kept where it is easily accessible or at a neighbor's house.
• A plan of where to go for help and shelter, whether it is to a family member, a neighbor, a domestic violence shelter, an emergency room, or police station.

Victims must be aware that abusers often monitor long distance phone calls, internet access and e-mail to track their victims after they leave. Landline phones (preferably from a family member or friend's house) should be used, and e-mail passwords should be changed often when planning an escape and after leaving.

Survival Tips for Domestic Violence Victims

• Stay out of the kitchen or anyplace where potential weapons may be located.
• Stay out of small spaces where you may be trapped.
• Design a safe room with a door or window for escape. If possible, install a lock that you can open only from the inside and a phone you can use to call 911.
• Take pictures of all of your injuries and get medical help. Advise your care provider that you have been a victim of domestic violence. Insist that law enforcement become involved.
• Memorize emergency phone numbers such as for a domestic violence shelter.
• Plan an escape route and teach it to your children.
• Get an unlisted phone number and use an answering machine to screen your calls. Block caller ID.
• Take a self-defense course.
• Teach your children not to get into the middle of your fights, and show them how to contact help.
• Give the daycare or school principal a picture of your abuser and a copy of any court orders. Set up a password that must be presented if your child is to be released to anyone other than you. Tell your children that no one will pick them up for you when they are outside without giving them the password. Advise the school not to give out your phone number or address to anyone.
• Travel a different path to work or anyplace you visit regularly. If you carpool, ask different people for rides rather than always riding with the same friend. If you take the bus, choose different routes regularly.
• Change the stores where you shop and the banks you use.
• Cancel joint credit cards and bank accounts.
• Keep your court order and emergency contact numbers with you at all times.
• Invest in a cell phone or see if your local domestic violence shelter participates in a cell phone recycling program and can give you one to use for free.
• Advise your supervisor and any security officers at work of your situation, providing a copy of your court order and a picture of your abuser.
• Ask your local domestic violence program for assistance in finding a lawyer and obtaining a court order making it illegal for your abuser to be near you and your children or to call you at work. Court orders may also give you temporary custody of your children, order the abuser to pay child support, order the abuser to move out and surrender any weapons, and give you possession of the car, furniture, and other belongings. After your abuser moves out, change the door locks and install locking windows.
• At the courthouse, bring a friend or family member to wait with you until your case is called. Advise the bailiff or deputy sheriff that you are afraid of the abuser and request to be seated as far from him as possible. Ask the judge to keep the abuser at the courthouse for at least 15 minutes to give you a chance to leave safely after the proceedings. Do not leave the courtroom without your protective order.

What if I suspect my friend or loved one is being abused?

• Offer support and encouragement. Help her build back her self-esteem until she can take action.
• Don't accuse the victim of being at fault, of lying, or of exaggerating the situation.
• Help her find counseling, legal assistance, shelter facilities, and other services she may need.
• Make sure she is aware that help is only a phone call away, You or she can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
• Speak out against domestic violence. Let people know that it is unacceptable and intolerable.
• Support your local domestic violence programs and shelters.
• Learn more about domestic violence by visiting the National Coalition to End Domestic Violence at: http://www.ncadv.org/.

Get Out. Get Help. Survive.
Stop the cycle of domestic violence.