Domestic Violence and Addictions

Voices Against Violence and The NH Taskforce on Women & Recovery (NHTWR): both of these names bring tears to my eyes. Not tears of anger or pain mind you, but tears of happiness and joy. In 1999 I was alone and scared, a victim of domestic violence with nowhere to turn and no hope for my future. Then my doctor changed everything by handing me one small, square piece of paper. On this paper was printed, 'Voices Against Violence', along with a phone number. At first I was apprehensive to pick up the phone. Would they anger my ex? Would they judge me? Would I be treated like just another victim or like a real individual with problems? I pondered these ideas for several months. I didn't know if I was more frightened about getting help or not getting help. Finally I picked up the phone and dialed. As the phone rang I began to shake and sweat. The woman answered and I immediately hung up!! I just couldn't ask for help. It was way too demeaning. It meant I was weak which is what my ex wanted. It would be months before I would try again.

Finally, I got the courage and made the call. It was the best decision of my entire life. I was not judged, my ex was not attacked and angered by them and, most importantly, I was treated with love and respect as the individual with problems that I was. They offered moral and legal support throughout all of the messes my ex heaped upon me. The most amazing part was that instead of feeling weak I felt empowered. I could go on. I could make a new life. I knew I could because Voices Against Violence said I could!! Soon I had purchased a house on my own and had restarted a new life for my daughter and myself. Then the icing on the cake stepped through my door in the form of a fireplace salesman. He was everything I dreamed of in a man. He was kind, gentle and non judgmental. By 2001 I thought I no longer needed Voices Against Violence so I struck off on my own. "My life is perfect now. I don't need any help.", I thought to myself. Boy was I wrong!!

In 2004 my ex once again raised his ugly head and threw our lives into turmoil. I can handle this I thought to myself but once again I was wrong. Judicial corruption and lack of understanding and compassion by authority figures caused me to loose my beloved daughter. I cried and cried until I was too tired to cry anymore. That is when I tried to give up but somehow I just couldn't go through with it. Every time I would try to kill myself I would picture my little girl's face and I would stop. A friend told me my daughter could make her own court appearance when she becomes 12. I was hopeful but scared. That would be 2009 for God's sake!! Could I live that long? I didn't think so but tried my best to go on. In 2005 it became unbearable and I once again tried to give up but couldn't go through with it thanks to a friend's intervention. That is when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was forced to go on but the terror and anger were building in me like a bomb ready to explode. In 2008 that bomb went off when my ex brought me to court and accused me a crime he had committed. I felt helpless and at the end of my rope when I went to pay my electric and water bill. There, on the wall of the town utility office, was my redemption. A square of paper with the words 'Voices Against Violence' written upon its face!! Taking the hint I grabbed the paper and went home with it.

This time I didn't hesitate to call. This time however, things were different. Instead of just moral and legal support in the courtroom I was offered a new support group for woman with a domestic or sexual violence background. I readily attended and found not only strength and hope but a new outlook on life. My first day I cried like a baby as all my fears and anger spilled out in front of this group of strangers. Expecting looks of, "Are you a crazy lady?" I was surprised to get looks of compassion and words of advice. I pulled myself together and waited for the next victims to speak. That is when my world changed forever.

I went into that group with the mentality that drug addicts and alcoholics were evil creatures that killed people like my Uncle Lee by getting behind the wheels of cars or took children from their loving mothers. I learned different that day. I found that, for many woman, alcoholism and drug addiction were not their choice. It was in fact forced upon them by the violence of others. Violence that quite often was caused by people who had had the same violence put upon them in child hood. It suddenly became clear to me that violence and addiction were all part of an ugly circle that truly needed to be broken. These addicts were not monsters. They were in fact loving, kind people who were never given the chances in life that they deserved. I found myself opening up my mind and my heart. I also found myself healing. Just when I thought it couldn't be any better I was handed a sheet of paper by the group coordinator. Once again a sheet of paper would change my life.

"The NH Taskforce on Women & Recovery woman's leadership weekend", was what the flyer read. I was intrigued so I signed up. If I thought my mind had changed about myself and addiction before it certainly was going to be blown by this organization. I met several addicted individuals in this group that were so kind, sweet and caring that I know I have made friends for life. I heard their stories and not only wept inside for their pain but I hated myself for how I had perceived addicts in the past. My ex was addicted to drugs, the guy who killed Uncle Lee was addicted to alcohol and my uncles were all addicted to alcohol. I never looked at their side of the story that intensely, however. I thought they were simply people out to make my life miserable and to destroy other innocent people's lives. As I listened to the stories around me I began to think about the people who had hurt me. Suddenly I realized that they too had the same bad life they had heaped on me. My circle theory strengthened and I opened my heart to those around me. I just hope that they can forgive me of my previous shallow thoughts and know that I love and support each and every one of them.

Here is what one of NHTWR's fliers has to say about addiction and violence..........

70% of addicted girl report having been sexually abused before the age of sixteen (NIDA, 1994)

89% of women seeking alcohol and other drug treatment report a lifetime history of sexual or physical abuse. (Clark, 2001)

80% of woman with alcohol and other drug disorders have been victims of domestic violence. (Research Institute on Addictions, 1997)

80% of addicted girls had at least one addicted parent. (NIDA, 1999)

I have walked away from this experience a stronger and more stable individual. Now I want to allow others the same opportunity. So, if you are reading this and need help please contact The NH Taskforce on Women & Recovery at 603-647-4629 or www.nhtwr.org. Depending on your location, you will want to check your local phone book for a domestic violence group near to you. I attend the one in Plymouth NH. They have a support group that meets every Thursday at 9am at the Circle building on Main St. Plymouth NH. If you just need to borrow a shoulder to cry on feel free to contact Doc. I truly want to see this circle broken before it goes onto the next generation. The first way to break it is to get help for those who are in the circle. Whether you are addicted or are a victim of violence you can get out. I know because I did. Good luck and best wishes to all my new friends.