Domestic Violence: A Common Problem

Domestic violence, spousal abuse, partner abuse, whatever you want to call it, it happens all over the world each and every day. It is defined as the mistreatment of a partner in a romantic relationship. It involves both men and women from all walks of life. It does not play favorites to societal position, housing condition, or any other aspect of life. It happens verbally, physically, sexually, financially and even spiritually. Stalking can also be a form of domestic violence.

Verbally, this abuse can strip the abused person of their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. The abuser uses words to criticize and belittle their partner until the victim no longer has confidence in themselves.

Physically, the abuser will commonly use forceful actions to get the victim to submit to them. It may involve pinching, pushing, choking, slapping, punching, shooting, stabbing, and even murdering. The abuser tends to use more and more forceful action with each attack on the victim.

Sexually, the abuser may force the victim to have sex with them, or to engage in unsafe sexual activity that the victim does not want to take part in. The abuser uses sex to control the victim and make them feel bad.

Financially, the abuser may withhold necessary money from the victim. The abuser uses the access to money to control the victim, as well as the lack of access.

Spiritually, the abuser may force the victim to take part in their religious practices against the victim's will. The abuser will not allow the victim to have their own spiritual beliefs and practices. Often times, the abuser will force their religious beliefs upon their children as well, and in a way that the victim is not in favor of.

Stalking does not only mean following a person around. It is any repeatedly harassing and threatening behavior. Showing up repeatedly at the victim's home or place of work, repeatedly calling the victim to harass them, leaving harassing or threatening voicemail, or e-mail messages, threatening letters or objects left for the victim, vandalizing the victim's property, and any other behavior that can be deemed as harassing or threatening to the victim.

Domestic violence affects millions of people, both men and women. Now that we have discussed what domestic violence is, exactly, let's discuss the reasons it may happen, and why some people stay with their abuser.

Normally, the abuse happens in cycles. There may be a period of time when things in the relationship seem to be going very well. The abuser and the victim are getting along, having a good time with one another; life appears to be going as it should. Then, often without any notice or warning, sometimes, with the feeling of tension building, the abuser begins to abuse. After the incident, or maybe even after a few days of abuse, the abuser may apologize to the victim, often finding reasons that blame the victim for the abuser's actions. The victim wants to really believe that the abuser is sorry, even finds ways to blame themselves. The abuser and the victim "make-up" and life seems to return to a normal state. The cycle goes on and on, generally, with progressing abuse. Each incident is a little worse, and a little more aggression is shown. After each incident, the apologies come, and the victim stays. This will continue until the cycle is broken. This can happen in several ways, the victim finally leaves the abuser, a good friend or neighbor may step in and call for help having the abuser arrested and hopefully giving the victim a reasonable chance to escape, or the abuser finally kills the victim. Many cases of domestic violence end in the death of the victim.

Why does it happen? How can anybody hurt someone that they claim to love? These are questions that every abused person would like to have the answer to. It is also a question that many victims use to rationalize staying with the abuser. The sad fact is that the abuser does not really love the victim, what the abuser loves is the control they have over their victim. There are some contributing factors such as drug and/or alcohol abuse, stress, and personal insecurities. The abuser may have had a bad day at work and decided to take it out on the victim, they may be drunk, or under the influence of drugs, they may feel the innate need to control some aspect of their life, so they choose to control their partner. This is no excuse for the behavior; there is no reason to abuse.

Often, when the victim threatens or tries to leave the abuser, the abuser will begin apologizing for the behavior, saying that it will never happen again, maybe even threatening the victim's life or the life of their children is the victim even so much as tries to leave. Many times, the victim is afraid to leave. The abuser had beaten the self-esteem of the victim down so far that the victim really does believe that they cannot make it through life without the abuser in it. The abuser has told the victim so many times that the victim is "no good", "no one else would want them", and things of that sort, that the victim actually believes those words. This causes the victim to stay for fear of being alone and not being able to live without the abuser. A threat to the victim's life or the life of their children is another reason that the victim stays. The victim wants out, but does not want to leave at the expense of the life of themselves or a child.

To many, this sounds unreasonable. Some people cannot understand for a minute how one person can make another feel so low. Take a look for a moment at this hypothetical situation.

Lucy was a beautiful and intelligent girl. She met and fell in love with Mark. Mark was handsome, intelligent, and all that Lucy thought she wanted in a man. They marry. A week later, Mark tells Lucy that he would prefer that she quit her job; after all, he makes plenty at his job to support them. Lucy thinks this is a simple request, wants to please her new husband, so she quits her job. Six months later, Lucy is pregnant. Mark's attitude seems to change a little. He begins telling her that she can't do this or that; she needs to do this or that. She thinks that he is just being a concerned father-to-be, so she does as he says. Her belly gets bigger with the pregnancy; Mark begins telling her that she looks fat and ugly, not like she did when they married. Lucy assures him that it is only baby fat and she will lose it after the baby is born. After the baby is born, the tension rises. One night, the baby begins to cry for its late-night bottle, and the cries wake Mark up. He yells at Lucy, who is already getting out of bed to make a bottle. She tells him that it is okay, she is up. The tension rises between the couple. Lucy is too tired for intimacy at night, Mark becomes angry. One night, she tells him "no" and he won't take that for an answer. She lets him have his way, but doesn't really want to. After weeks of this, she finally tells him that she won't give in, and he hits her. After the incident, she says she will not tolerate being hit, and tries to leave with the baby. Mark apologizes, blaming his behavior on the stress of being a new parent. She does not accept the apology and tells him that she needs to go away for a while. Mark tells Lucy that if she leaves, he will kill both her and the baby. Lucy stays because she feels that she must protect the baby.

What many people do not understand is that the victim feels trapped. Trapped and helpless in a hopeless situation. The abuse doesn't always begin with those things that most people would look for. A common phrase that victims say is, "well, so-and-so has never hit me". It is hard for a person to believe that the one they love is abusing them if it not a violent act. By the time it becomes physical, the victim already feels trapped.

From the outside, looking in, we can see the progression of the abuse. The victim, on the other hand, does not always see it. Sometimes, not until it is too late.

As the friend or relative of a domestic violence victim, it hurts to stand by while the victim continues to be abused. We fear that if we involve the law, we may lose our loved one because of our actions, but we also fear that if our loved one stays in the relationship, we will lose them because of violence. We listen to what the victim says and beg them to leave the abuser. We offer help to escape and start a new life. Many times, we do not get through to them.

Unfortunately, the victim has to make the ultimate choice to leave the abuser. We can encourage and offer all of the help in the world, but we cannot force them to leave. When we are lucky, they find the courage to leave their abuser; when we are not, we may find ourselves at the victim's funeral.

Domestic violence is a serious matter. By helping both men and women to understand what domestic abuse really is and the cycle of abuse as well as the progression, lives may be saved.

As a friend or relative, we need to know the signs of domestic abuse. We may notice things such as the victim wearing log-sleeved shirts and long pants when they would normally wear shorts or short-sleeved shirts, the victim may speak of the abuser as keeping track of what the victim does each day and how long they are gone. The victim may have unusually low self-esteem and talk about being called names by the abuser. The victim may take unexplained time off of work, have personality changes, seem to be afraid of conflict, seem isolated and introverted, or may express a constant fear of making their partner angry. Knowing what to look for can help us begin the process of helping the victim, and hopefully, the process of saving their life.