Domestic Violence: Face to Face with the Devil

You see it every day on the news, in the newspapers, on the internet, and maybe even in your own neighborhood - domestic violence. It is not just limited to the male population. In my area, after reviewing recent and past arrests, I was very surprised to see that a lot of women have been incarcerated for domestic violence. Unfortunately it seems like a growing trend to have a physical fight rather than work out differences in a rational manner. In this article, I hope to reach out not only to women, but to men who also face the reality of domestic violence in their lives.

In my own experiences as a victim of domestic violence, my self-esteem was lost as the emotional and physical abuse had taken its toll. I felt as though I was in a world of my own as there was no other place in society for me. It seemed as though I must have done something wrong to deserve the abuses I had encountered from someone that was supposed to love me! I could write an entire book on what I have gone through, up until I broke the cycle.

"Broke the cycle?" you ask. Yes, it took two divorces and some advice from a friend that I had finally opened up to. By the time I talked to her, I had already divorced an abuser but had gotten into another marriage with the same violence. In this situation, my spouse was a serious manipulator who could get into your head and you didn't even know it. I didn't realize upon marriage that he had so many mental issues. He would make up stories. After telling them so many times he would believe them. He had made up so many untruths that I could not even keep up with them. This was another marriage that I rushed into.

Between the two marriages I had been beaten, had knives thrown at me, received death threats, and suffered many accounts of emotional abuse. I isolated myself from family and friends and never spoke a word about the abuse. I never placed a 911 call to report it. The only time 911 was dialed was when I was beaten and had to jump out of a bathroom window. He was the one that dialed the sheriff's department! He was acting like he was the victim! Fortunately, the sheriff's department reviewed all of the evidence and he was arrested immediately. It was very embarrassing to have to visit the forensics department, to strip, so they could take photos of the many bruises all over my body. To this day, I believe that if I had not jumped out of that window, I would be dead. I had never seen so much rage in somebody. It was like standing face to face with the devil.

I went from one abusive relationship into another, following the same pattern and cycle. Nobody deserves to be hit for any reason. No one needs to put up with the emotional abuse. We all have a place in society. You have done nothing wrong and you do not deserve to be abused for any reason.

Talking to someone really helped. I used local resources to get the help that I needed to get out of the really bad situation that I was in. After talking with local abuse organizations, I made the decision to run and run fast.

Talk about a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I wasn't under this huge vise that kept me pinned to the house, unable to talk to friends and family, having to lie to everyone about where all of the scratches and bruises came from. I could finally, for once, find myself! I didn't have to look over my shoulders or wonder what his next scheme was. About four days after leaving, he called me at work and said, "Don't try to come crawling back to me because it is over." That was his last effort to try to control me. I couldn't believe that he would think I would come crawling back to him to begin with. The relationship was over because I said it was over, I walked out the door and I never looked back! There he was again trying to take control. I never heard from him again. When I filed for divorce, he chose not to show up to court. It was a relief to not have to see his face again. What I put up with year after year in my relationships is far more than I'll ever admit to the general public

The next move was to break the cycle. My cycle was going from one abuser and controller to another. There are red flags to watch out for and until you learn them and understand them, I would advise to avoid getting into another relationship. One of the red flags I was advised of was to really pay attention to my date's comments. On a blind date, I stepped out of my vehicle and the man came walking over to introduce himself. As he was introducing himself, I reached over to my dash to grab my pack of cigarettes. The first words out of his mouth were, "Oh, you smoke? I guess that's okay." I couldn't believe it! Already he was telling me what was okay and what was not! That was an instant red flag. I continued on with the date that night, ate dinner and left! I didn't call him or see him anymore after that.

There should be many resources available to you in your local community to help you, or try to seek counseling for you and your mate. It really helped to clear my head from all of the harsh words that were said to me and about me from my former marriages. I was told that I would never amount to anything. Oh, and I can't forget that nobody would want me because I had kids. Well, you probably get the point. I hope, if you are in a violent relationship, that you will take a step forward and get help. You first have to admit that there is a problem.

There are good men and women out there. Take the time to find yourself first before jumping into any new relationships. Give yourself time to recover and heal from all that you have been through. Do not make the same mistake over and over. Break the cycle, watch for red flags and take the time to enjoy your life. There were men and women out there that did not get another chance to. Don't make yourself the next victim.

I am not a professional counselor, but I have been there. I know what you are going through. I hope that some of my advice will help victims to take the next step forward.