Domestic Violence and the Reasons Partners Endure It

Domestic violence is hereditary. True, it may not be actually passed down in your genes, but it is definitely passed on from generation to generation. Boys who witness their mothers being abused may very well grow up to abuse their wives or partners. The same is true with girls. The girls who have grown up watching their mothers be abused will often seem to find themselves in the same type of abusive relationship. I, myself, grew up watching my father get drunk and beat my mother. Many years later, I found myself in the same situation as my mother.

What exactly is domestic violence? It is acts of physical or mental abuse against a spouse or partner in a relationship. The abuse often begins with an argument and ends with one person becoming verbally or physically abusive toward the other. Over time the acts increase in frequency and intensity, sometimes resulting in the ultimate act of domestic violence, murder.

But why would someone stay with someone who abuses them? The reasons given by the victims of domestic violence as to why they stay in the relationship are as complex as the reasons behind the abuse in the first place. These reasons may be difficult for some people to understand. Law enforcement agencies, friends, and even families are often bewildered by the reasoning behind the unwillingness to leave.

Usually there are signs of what lies ahead if a person will only look. Fierce or unwarranted jealousy is often the first clue. However, in the beginning of a relationship, the spouse or partner may write this off as an expression of how much the person loves them. They will make excuses for them. They may even be a little pleased with the jealousy. Believe me, that will pass.

The violence will gradually increase until it is obvious to everyone what is going on. Still, many spouses will continue hoping that things will get better. The first time he slaps her, she will take the blame for it. She shouldn't have made him mad. He was tired; he had a bad day at the office. It's never his fault. But why?

At first, the main reason for staying in an abusive relationship is the unwillingness to give up on your love. It's hard to admit you made a mistake. And there are still more good times than bad. Maybe you can change him. So you stay.

Over time you realize that the abuse is getting worse. But by now, you may have children, so you rationalize that they need both parents. As long as he doesn't touch them, you can handle it. There may very well be issues concerning how you would financially survive if you left him now. And the abusive spouse or partner will make sure this is a constant threat in your life.

Many people wrongly believe that child support will compensate for a parent's actual income in a household. But child support is based on a percentage of the parent's income. A percentage, meaning only a fraction of the amount that was formerly being brought into the household. This can mean a drastic lifestyle change for the children and spouse. They might very well lose their home. So quite honestly, money may be a major reason many spouses stay in an abusive relationship.

The last reason is fear. The abusive partner may often threaten his or her spouse with dire consequences such as taking the children or even killing the partner. And all too often, this is a very real threat. The cases of domestic violence ending in murder are all too common. Even with Emergency Protection Orders (EPOs) and Domestic Violence Order (DVOs), many spouses or partners live in constant fear for their lives. The orders are not shields of armor against the violence. In truth, the EPOs and DVOs are only pieces of paper instructing the abuser to stay a certain distance away from his victim. They are only as good as the police and courts who enforce them. And that's if the victim survives the violation of the orders.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, it's hard to understand why someone would stay with someone who hurts them. But to the person in the situation, sometimes it's hard to see any way out.

Information sources:

WomensLaw.org
Shelia West