Domestic Violence, Stalking, and Me: Mother, Sister, Neighbor, Stranger, or Friend?

A long while back I had a bully in my life and I thought everything that was done to me was my fault. I hate to say it but, a girl I went to college with (I don't recall her name, but I thank God, for her daily!) pulled me aside, and asked how I was doing. She could tell something was terribly wrong. She handed me a card from the Center for Battered Women and she stated that they could help me. All I had to do was ask.

I'll give you bit of a back history so you can get an idea of my previous situation. In high school I started dating this guy who I was head over heels for. He always showed up in places I did not expect. I thought, "Wow, he really wants to be around me, how wonderful!" After we had dated for about one year, he became very moody. At times he would just blow up. Other times it was as though he was the nicest person on earth. He also didn't like any of my friends and was annoyed with me spending time with them. I just figured it was his personality and blew it off.

We moved in together when I was 19 and that is when things really changed dramatically. He started being suspicious and jealous of everyone I spent time with. I was working and going to college full-time at this point. All I could think was he was used to my undivided attention. He'd just have to get used to it! He continued to nag at me and question where and who I was with. He also started getting forceful in his requests for attention. I acted out and stayed out late after work with friends at a local haunt, knowing that I would be interrogated and accused of any possible scenario. Eventually, he wore me down with his accusations. Looking back, I should of broke up with him then and there. No, I had it ingrained into me that I was a "cheater", so I made it true. How illogical was I? I did this only once and I still wish to this day I hadn't. It certainly didn't make things any better!

I came home and he was bantering at me and I said "yep, I did cheat on you, are you satisfied?" So, of course he was livid. He proceeded to throw me against the wall, kick me in the stomach and pound at my face. He had shouted at me in the past in his little tantrums, but this was the first of many beatings I had received. The crazy thing was, this was my chance to escape. He said "Leave", I wouldn't. I thought I could plead my case. Again, where was my logic? Eventually, I reached him with apologies and promises. We worked different shifts and it was easy to just ignore each other, he also had moved into the 2^nd bedroom of our apartment. We were basically roommates for the next few months. It was peace for the most part, except for silly things that all roommates seem to face.

We were starting to get along again and went out on dates often. I felt we actually built a friendship that we didn't have before. We moved to another city to be closer to his work, 4 months later. At this point things started to get weird. He would either be on top of the world asking me to marry him or he would be accusing me of sleeping with the building manager. He would turn around with flowers the next day, filled with apologies. He started to visit me at work almost on a daily basis and wanted me to call him at every break because he "missed" me so much. He continued to get angry with me for things that were not happening. He started hitting me again when he was so frustrated that he couldn't yell any more. I was feeling stuck. I had alienated myself from my friends, because he was horrible every time I even mentioned anyone. He even took the scissors to my whole closet, because he didn't like what I wore to work.

We again moved, this time in with his mother. Where she had come pounding on the door, begging him to leave me alone, on more than one occasion. One day she said with a look of sad understanding, "please just leave, you can't change him." She had called my mother, who came and loaded me up with what I could grab of my belongings. This was the end of our relationship. I lived in an adjoining small town so it was hard to not be seen by him, occasionally. He made it so I would see him. He showed up at my work, broke into my car to leave me notes or take things that belonged to me. He would sit nightly in his truck at the highway to provide me an unwanted escort home. He would visit family members pleading with them, to tell me how he was so sorry. It's pretty intimidating having someone watching your every move.

I sat in class and every window I looked out of he was peering into. I was waiting to leave when he was gone but he would not leave. I spent the day trying to stay amongst the crowd. This is when "my personal angel" came to me with an out. She walked me to the counselor's office where I could feel safe momentarily. He hadn't touched me he was just showing up everywhere, watching. I thought I am just being silly. "He just wants me to feel bad, he'll get tired and leave me alone".

I started making new friends at work and was invited to go out to play darts. This sounded nice, something fun away from work, school and personal ordeals. I left my car in the parking lot at work and rode with my friend to the local pub. It was a fun evening just a bunch of us being silly until, I got back to my car. My friend dropped me off and left before I did. Apparently, my stalker decided to follow me that night. He came running up to me yelling the same old accusations, but, this time he grabbed my throat. I remember my feet leaving the ground and gasping for air. I was seeing stars and could not get free. Clearly, he thought I had enough as he left me in a puddle on the ground still breathless and just left. I knew that I could no longer do this alone.

I met with a counselor for the Center for Battered Women, she helped me to see things clearly. She even went to court with me, that very day to get my temporary restraining order. I believe, they saved my life. I got some of my own power back. I now could report his actions to the police, because his presence was a threat, not just me being "dumb".

It's really strange if you've never been in this situation, to understand. You feel trapped, that everything is your fault, ugly and useless (and that is how the bully wants you to feel!). It was uplifting just to know that someone was there, who wasn't going to judge my actions, and really just listen and support me through a very trying time. They have the resources to help with any court proceedings, and if you need a safe haven they will take you in.

Please take the time to notice people around you and pass on caring words. Notice those who are hurting. This is an issue that you can make an impact on. I had my eyes opened by a stranger. I am forever thankful.